Elderly FIL can't hear

[Anonymous]

My FIL is 81. His health is declining, but whatever he's 81. He has been hard of hearing for a few years but he's gotten to the point where if you are not in from of him, speaking loudly, he doesn't even know you're talking. I've talked to him in the past about a hearing aid, but he says it's too expensive. He has a nice pension so it's certainly not unaffordable, he just doesn't want to pay that much. Anyway, it's breaking my heart to see my 4 year old trying to interact with him, and have him just say "oh" to whatever she says. I'm sure her high pitched voice is even less audible than ours but what's even worse is the way he pretends. Ugh. Has anyone had luck convincing a crotchety old man in their lives to get a hearing aid and if your child was in this situation how much did it end up bothering them?

[Anonymous]

My dad is like this. It's not really about the money, it's about him being in denial, feeling stigmatized, and not wanting to deal with it, and feeling unable to cope with the technology. It really makes me sad, he used to love music so much. And it is partially his own fault for using power tools with no ear protection for his entire career, and he knows that, so it's a very difficult topic for him.

Anyway, no real advice, just sympathy. My experience is he will not consider it until he finds a peer who has a hearing aid that they're happy with. Honestly, the sound quality is so bad that it's still pretty hard to hear and unpleasant even with a hearing aid. That's another reason people don't get them-- they help, but they don't really sound that great.

[Anonymous]

My grandma went through this too. She needed a hearing aid for years before she got one. I'm not sure what my mom said to convince her, but she finally gave in and got one. It was life changing for her. Don't give up. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If he uses money as an excuse, can you offer to pay?

[Anonymous]

There's a book called Shouting won't help, by Katherine Bouton, that you should read. Bouton is a New York Times editor who was hard of hearing for most of her life, then became deaf. Among other things, the book has a list of things you can do to help a person who is hard of hearing to understand you. Most of them you could explain to your daughter -- for instance, when she speaks to her grandfather she should make sure that she is facing him. I don't remember all of them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the sympathy. I did discuss offering to pay with my dh. It would be a significant chunk of change for us, but I'm 100% sure they would write us a check to pay us back if we did it. DH doesn't want to interfere though. His family is much bothersome and nosy than I am Honestly it feels like they're all (FIL included) just waiting for him to die. Ugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the sympathy. I did discuss offering to pay with my dh. It would be a significant chunk of change for us, but I'm 100% sure they would write us a check to pay us back if we did it. DH doesn't want to interfere though. His family is much bothersome and nosy than I am Honestly it feels like they're all (FIL included) just waiting for him to die. Ugh!

^^ much less

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a book called Shouting won't help, by Katherine Bouton, that you should read. Bouton is a New York Times editor who was hard of hearing for most of her life, then became deaf. Among other things, the book has a list of things you can do to help a person who is hard of hearing to understand you. Most of them you could explain to your daughter -- for instance, when she speaks to her grandfather she should make sure that she is facing him. I don't remember all of them.

Does the book address elderly people who have "checked out"? At 81, sometimes resisting a hearing aid is about avoiding younger people's demands for constant conversation/interaction.

[Anonymous]

I kind of think it's funny that you are heartbroken that your poor 4 year old is not being properly conversed with by this guy. Really? That's the core of this problem? He's old and doesn't want a hearing aid. Let him be.

It's actually a great teaching situation for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of think it's funny that you are heartbroken that your poor 4 year old is not being properly conversed with by this guy. Really? That's the core of this problem? He's old and doesn't want a hearing aid. Let him be.

It's actually a great teaching situation for your daughter.

No this couldn't be more wrong. It's a burden on family around. My uncle is this way and you have to constantly interpret what the waiter said, what the person said in the other room, that the microwave is done, the phone is ringing....and the whole time your voice is hoarse because you have to shout to be heard. You want to look like the crazy person in the restaurant? Shout the entire conversation.

The choice is heartbreaking. Because you love this person and want them involved while they're still on this Earth. To stop shouting and leave them out is watching them withdraw from life.

My uncle doesn't like hearing aids because he buys cheaper ones that have feedback. He won't buy a really nice one because he's already run several of them through the washing machine by accident. So OP, even if you buy the top-of-the-line hearing device, it's still up to your FIL to take care of it and commit to it.