How to work on social skills with ADHD/anxious son

[Anonymous]

I have an almost nine-year-old boy with severe ADHD and generalized anxiety. We have gone through some very, very rough times in the past but have been in a great place for the last six months after making some positive changes (leaving a school that was a bad fit, trying new interventions, etc). Now that he is so much happier and less anxious and, very relevantly, more interested in socializing than he has ever been, I really want to work on his social skills and am hoping for some advice, maybe book recommendations?

His social skills have always been weak--it is not that I hadn't noticed before!--but when he was paralyzed with anxiety there was really no way to work constructively on the skills themselves. We were entirely focused on helping him manage the anxiety. Now that he seems more resilient and interested, though, I would like to get him thinking more about how he interacts with others. Some specific different issues are: not being aware of his tone of voice and how it might be perceived; bossiness/inflexibility; trying to bond with other kids by being silly and even dishonest, ie making things up to impress them.

How have others handled this sort of thing?

In the past we have had to tread very lightly because any suggestion that he might be doing something to make people dislike him or have any negative feelings toward him would send my son into a place of devastating social anxiety. He still rejects any specific criticism of his behavior in the moment and becomes extremely defensive. But I think we could read some books and talk about other people in similar situations. I am hopeful that something like might help him.

Any advice is welcome! Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't critique him at this point unless he does something really off.

Try to arrange some one one one play dates and let him practice his social skills. This is a good reference:
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Much-Work-Your-Friend/dp/0743254651/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1433639599&sr=1-1&keywords=it%27s+so+much+work+to+be+your+friend

Also, you might want to look into social skills groups.

[Anonymous]

I have a son with severe ADHD and social problems as well.

We see a child psychologist once a month and she gives him projects like 'invite 3 people to play at recess'. My DS can make friends quite easily. He's an interesting and likable kid. However he can't maintain the friendships he makes. It seems like he gets burned out in the company of other people and wants to be alone. In working with him and his doctor my first project was to figure out if he was an introvert or an extrovert. Putting an introvert into a group situation where there's much competition is a recipe for disaster. Lessons and extra curricular activities had to be one on one or I was wasting my time and money. He also seems to relate to older kids and adults better. Kids his own age tend to be too taxing emotionally for him. But if he can learn something from an older child his enthusiasm and attention is higher. Consider Big Brother/Big Sister program. It helped my son greatly.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for the replies.

21:27 my son actually has a lot of friends even very good ones. He is definitely better, more comfortable and more considerate, with his close friends and the few people with whom he feels comfortable. There is a lot of room for improvement even there, though. And with everyone else he is much, much worse. We have play dates pretty much every day. I was hoping he would pick up the skills on his own, but now I am thinking I have to do someone more explicit.

Thank you for the book rec! Do you have any aimed at the child?

21:35 my son is definitely an introvert and does better with one or two kids. He is more himself. Big brother is a great idea. Is that something you do through school?

As for social skills groups, we tried once and it didn't work. My son just didn't like the set up. It is too bad, I wanted it to work. So I put more energy into play dates. He also plays a couple of sports and has team friends., but ... Well, this doesn't seem to be quite enough!

[Anonymous]

OP, your son sounds in good shape overall. You may also want to try slightly younger kids too for get togethers.

If he seems anxious in large groups, it might be helpful to practice social strategies like how to keep his anxiety in check.

There are summer camp like Lab that do the social thinking curriculum. Something like that might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

My DD has the same issues. Some things to keep in mind

- kids like this do better with older kids and adults because the older kids/adults are more mature and tolerant of your child. This doesn't teach your child anything really in terms of social skills and relating to peers. It has nothing to do with your child and everything to do with the other older kids/adults and their maturity level.

- social skills groups can be tricky. they have to be of sufficient duration for a child to get comfortable with the group and then be able to actually use the skills discussed. You are asking a kid who already has anxiety in a group situation to go into a group with kids he doesn't know , be comfortably instantly and work on socializing. In reality, it takes kids a much longer time to get to know each other and until they do the social skills part isn't really going to work or help. Just being directed an adult won't help the kids feel more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for the replies.

21:27 my son actually has a lot of friends even very good ones. He is definitely better, more comfortable and more considerate, with his close friends and the few people with whom he feels comfortable. There is a lot of room for improvement even there, though. And with everyone else he is much, much worse. We have play dates pretty much every day. I was hoping he would pick up the skills on his own, but now I am thinking I have to do someone more explicit.

Thank you for the book rec! Do you have any aimed at the child?

21:35 my son is definitely an introvert and does better with one or two kids. He is more himself. Big brother is a great idea. Is that something you do through school?

As for social skills groups, we tried once and it didn't work. My son just didn't like the set up. It is too bad, I wanted it to work. So I put more energy into play dates. He also plays a couple of sports and has team friends., but ... Well, this doesn't seem to be quite enough!

http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16/Home.htm

[Anonymous]

Acting classes may help. Imagination stage runs some that are very good and inclusive.