Friends upset with my HFA

[Anonymous]

DS is 7 with a very mild HFA. You would not guess there is anything special about him, he plays with friends, has a best friend, laughs, interacts , has sense of humor, etc.
However his lacking social aspect manifests in certain occasions, like meeting a very good friend on the street and ignoring him completely.
We have had some occasions where his friends got really upset and offended with him, their parents understand the issue and tried to intervene/explain.

But, at my end, I never feel I am getting through.
I say to him he has to be polite and say hi to people he knows, That some friends get sad because they think he doesn't like them etc. but it has no effect.
Any ideas?
Is there a kids book or something like that? A video?

He has sense of humor so perhaps if he saw how silly it is to be playing animatedly and happily with a friend one day, and ignore him completely the day after, he would make more of an effort.
I don't know.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Do you do social stories with him? About meeting people on the street, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Weekly social skills group.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have done and still do all that. Not much improvement.

[Anonymous]

You know, I have a coworker who does that. She told me upfront that she can't recognize faces. If that's the case with your child, you might need to find an accommodation that works, i.e his friends know to come up and say something, or he learns to tell people this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have done and still do all that. Not much improvement.

Progess is slow- think years not weeks. It is not a quick fix and he may need it though HS- as different issues arise. Kids with HFA have the most social issues with their peers. It doesn't necessarily appear with their relationships with adults, because adults pick up the conversation. At this age the relationships with peers are fostered and guided by parents on both sides (hence your description of parents of his friends intervening too). They need to practice and your DC is at an age where he will get fewer and fewer chances to practice with peers on his own because they will not play with your child in school- at lunch or on the playground- he will be out of sync. The gap will get wider before it gets smaller. You will have to create social situations for him from here on out. In addition to a social skills group, he needs to be in groups like scouts, a congregational RE class..- things that last years. If he alienates everyone in his school or group you may have to change schools or groups so he can grow more. Kids will put him at the bottom of the social ladder and it is very difficult to get out of that position- even if the child progresses. - (That is what we had to do so that our DC could have a fresh start) You may have to change scout troops.

How long has your DC been attending a weekly social skills group?

[Anonymous]

Have you had a vision screening recently?

[Anonymous]

OP again.
Actually it is the opposite, he is much worse with adults. But adults are more understanding. He does have friends and plays a lot and is social, but he will often get frozen and not say hi to somebody.
Anyway, we'll keep working. I just got quite upset yesterday because the mom of a very nice friend who we have not seen for a few months (ins spite of me trying) told me it was because her son (whom she admits is a bit oversensitive) got extremely upset after we met last times. I had no idea.
If I tell my son X got upset because Y, he looks at me like I am talking a foreign language. So I was looking for different words, stories, etc. But possibly there is nothing different I can do. I don't know.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like social anxiety. Has that come up in the course of your social skills group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
Actually it is the opposite, he is much worse with adults. But adults are more understanding. He does have friends and plays a lot and is social, but he will often get frozen and not say hi to somebody.
Anyway, we'll keep working. I just got quite upset yesterday because the mom of a very nice friend who we have not seen for a few months (ins spite of me trying) told me it was because her son (whom she admits is a bit oversensitive) got extremely upset after we met last times. I had no idea.
If I tell my son X got upset because Y, he looks at me like I am talking a foreign language. So I was looking for different words, stories, etc. But possibly there is nothing different I can do. I don't know.

Since it was a one time event with one kid, I wouldn't worry about it.

I have an HFA/ADHD 7 yr old and ignoring people is still common even when I nag him about being polite. DS isn't ignoring them on purpose so it's hard to correct something you do not realize you are doing.

Does your child's friends and/or their parents know about the ASD? If they know, the parent can explain the situation and tell their child that your son isn't being rude on purpose.

[Anonymous]

My DC is usually hyper focused on one person, thing or thought at a time. Sometimes it appears as if DC is ignoring friends while DC's mind is fully occupied with something else. It's hard for DC to disengage from what DC is doing/thinking.
Try to contrive scenarios / practice at home over and over again.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
i don't mean to find a magic wand or a super solution for this, but it wasn't a one off. And yes, it is the social anxiety that comes with his HFA package :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I have a coworker who does that. She told me upfront that she can't recognize faces. If that's the case with your child, you might need to find an accommodation that works, i.e his friends know to come up and say something, or he learns to tell people this.

That was my first thought. I don't think it occurs to most NT people that there are people out there who literally can not recognize people out of context or if the person changes anything significant about themselves (manner of dress, hair cut, growing a beard ...). Affected people usually arrive at compensating strategies as adults, but kids don't have those yet. There is some indication of correlation between face blindness and ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I have a coworker who does that. She told me upfront that she can't recognize faces. If that's the case with your child, you might need to find an accommodation that works, i.e his friends know to come up and say something, or he learns to tell people this.

That was my first thought. I don't think it occurs to most NT people that there are people out there who literally can not recognize people out of context or if the person changes anything significant about themselves (manner of dress, hair cut, growing a beard ...). Affected people usually arrive at compensating strategies as adults, but kids don't have those yet. There is some indication of correlation between face blindness and ASD.

Wouldn't be surprised if this is true. I'm an adult with ADHD, have a son with ASD/ADHD, my mother most likely had ASD, etc. It's really hard for me and afflicted family memeber, to recognize people out of context like if I'm passing them on the street. I use to think everyone was like this but obviously it's not true... if this is the way you have always perceived the world, it's hard to realize you have this problem.

My BFF once described my husband (who probably has ASD/ADHD) and I as the "most oblivious" couple she's ever known. At the time I did not realize what she was talking about but as I get older, I realize how astute that observation is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
i don't mean to find a magic wand or a super solution for this, but it wasn't a one off. And yes, it is the social anxiety that comes with his HFA package :/

My kid with HFA doesn't learn social skills without explicit instruction and he frequently doesn't generalize a social skill from one scenario to the next. He never improvises if he doesn't know what to do. He just sort of freezes up and does nothing.

With my kid with HFA, we prompted the appropriate behaviors when we are with him. "Oh, hey, there's your friend Jack. Go say "hi" to Jack. Ask him what he did last weekend. Ask him if he wants to __________________(play on the slide, come over this weekend, play on the swings, whatever)."

If we missed it, we talk about it afterwards and rehearse what he could have done. "Oh, hey, Jack was at the playground. Did you say "hi?"" "No." "The next time you see Jack at the playground, you should say "Hi" and ask him to play with you on the _________________."

After many years of rehearsing and talking about it, starting at about age 5, it finally clicked in at age 12. He isn't socially graceful at age 12, but he is socially functional.