How to avoid the grandparents "offer" to take the kid on vacation?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are on the same page that we don't trust the grandparents to take the 4 year old to the beach for 4 days.

There are concerns about not being responsible about things like sunscreen (our kid couldn't be any whiter).

They would be sharing one hotel room - grandma, grandpa, our 4 year old, and an 8 year old cousin) and our kid is a terror if he's up much past 8pm and they aren't quiet or accommodating to that.

They in general have expressed that they don't need to be hand on as grandparents, which makes me feel uncomfortable when they want to lounge and there's a great big body of water.

They often talk about things in front of the kids that we ask them not to talk about (body image stuff, adult language...generally just inappropriate).

The fact is that the kids will absolutely have fun. But we have massive concerns about boundaries and safety. There have been other very recent MAJOR head butting over family values, and we are uncomfortable with the idea. How do we get out of it without looking like a-holes, other than just claiming we are busy every single weekend with things that we can't cancel?

[Anonymous]

This seems like a no-brainer. Be honest-ish.

"We really appreciate the offer, but DH and I are just not ready to let DS go away for that long without us. We wouldn't be comfortable with it until he is a bit older and more mature. We'd like to hold off on that type of adventure until after kindergarten (or whatever distant date.) Maybe we can all get together on XXX at the pool/amusement park/your house so the cousins can have some fun."

You don't need to get into those reasons. The reasons could be very hurtful. But you are adults, don't lie or evade. Just say you are not comfortable with it. If, however, you have let him go away with, say, the other set of grandparents, then you have a problem and should probably think about some way to let this set have alone time with your sone. Maybe just a night or two? Maybe not at the beach?

[Anonymous]

"That's just not going to work for us."

[Anonymous]

We go through this every year as DH's parents (who are quite frail) keep coming up with outrageous vacation plans (Alaska Cruise, Disney trip, road trip across the US). They always want to take our kids (but not us) with them and we've always had serious safety concerns. We just say, "no, thanks, we don't think the kids are ready for that kind of trip" and leave it at that.

It's insane. They're lovely people, but they just don't seem to realize that they aren't (physically or mentally) capable of taking care of three (or more if they take my SILs kids too) small kids for an extended period of time. Bonkers

[Anonymous]

I would say that we aren't comfortable with the idea of Johnny going on vacation without us. Maybe it is something we would consider when he is older.
It is honest, direct but not harsh and primarily puts the blame back on you as parents and not them as grandparents (because to then it sounds more like it is your over protective/helicopter/unreasonable parenting that does now allow him to go rather than the fact that you don't trust them). And it buts you some time when they offer next year because you still aren't comfortable with it.
If they are the type of people that will try to get more information out of you about why or argue with you that you should let him go just keep repeating that you don't feel comfortable with it.

Trying to dodge dates will becomes obvious and lead to hurt feelings. Telling them that you don't trust them because of X, Y and Z would be even more hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: We just say, "no, thanks, we don't think the kids are ready for that kind of trip" and leave it at that.

Yes, just use common sense and graciously decline.

[Anonymous]

Just say that 4 is too young, and you'll think about it at 8. (BTW I would think 4 was too young to be away from me for 4 days no matter how trustworthy the grandparents.)

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other posters that you should just say you and your DH are not comfortable with the idea. I wouldn't even make false promises that it might be okay when he is older because you still might not feel comfortable. I wouldn't go into much explanation. I would be more blunt so they can't try to persuade you. If your kid can't even swim (or even if he can) I think they are overly confident about taking care of him and another kid. Two kids together without parents would probably run wild and if they aren't hands on, it could be a disaster and alot of worry for you. They are your kids and you get to decide. Just because they ask doesn't mean you have to meet their expectations and go along with it. They need to change their expectations because they are trying to push your boundaries which is not cool.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for making me not feel like a total jerk and telling me I'm depriving the grandparents of their grandchild.

DH and I have discussed possible alternatives that we would feel ok with - shorter time period, no beach, familiar location... and will consider if there's a way to work that in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for making me not feel like a total jerk and telling me I'm depriving the grandparents of their grandchild.

DH and I have discussed possible alternatives that we would feel ok with - shorter time period, no beach, familiar location... and will consider if there's a way to work that in.

You're not being a jerk at all. My parents are pretty active and capable and would love to take my 3yo on vacation. I don't think he's ready and I am definitely not ready. Maybe in a few years. But you're certainly not alone, and based on your description of the grandparents, you may never feel comfortable with that kind of trip. That's ok too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: We just say, "no, thanks, we don't think the kids are ready for that kind of trip" and leave it at that.

Yes, just use common sense and graciously decline.

This. OP, I could have written your post. It's a nice offer but no way would we feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous posters - saying, "No thanks, we don't think Larlo is ready for that just yet" is helpful. Or suck it up, rent the hotel room next door and have your son stay with you. He would still get the vacation with the grandparents and cousin, but you will be there - best of both worlds!

FWIW, my husband and I both have older parents and we pre-empted this when I was pregnant. We let them know that we would welcome any time they wanted to spend with our son, but solo vacations were not in the card. If they had an interest - we could potentially do something together. Luckily, I work from home and daycare is 5 minutes away. MIL has expressed interest in watching him for the full day- and I always suggest starting at a half day first - and going from there. I pick him up at lunch - he comes home naps and then plays with her for a couple of hours. She is so wiped out- that she always tells me- I am soooo glad we didn't do a full day.

[Anonymous]

Op here - well, they took back their offer anyway when they realized the trip was too expensive. Goes to show how thoughtful and prepared they are. (insert sarcastic eye rolly thing here). They still want the kid to spend a weekend with them at home, and we're considering that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say that 4 is too young, and you'll think about it at 8. (BTW I would think 4 was too young to be away from me for 4 days no matter how trustworthy the grandparents.)

Your poor DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say that 4 is too young, and you'll think about it at 8. (BTW I would think 4 was too young to be away from me for 4 days no matter how trustworthy the grandparents.)

Your poor DH.

New poster here but my husband feels the same way.
Poor your KIDS.