Asking adoptive families questions

[Anonymous]

I am not an adoptive parent, but have run into a situation that leaves me a bit perplexed. I'd love advice on how to handle it

My son has been asking about a friend whom he knows is adopted. He wants to know why the parents chose this adopted friend. Perhaps "chose" is not the correct terminology to use, but I am at a loss as to how to explain this to him. How can I best explain this to my very curious boy?

Also, is it appropriate to ask the parents why they've adopted? Not only in this case, but any adoptive family. I don't mean to get into anyone's business, but there is genuine curiosity as to why families go the adoption route.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

As an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I appreciate that you're asking these questions here. Honestly, I don't have a good answer to your first issue of explaining your son's friend's adoption. I'll have to keep thinking on that!

As for your second question, I personally would find being asked that rude. I know others may disagree, so I guess you could always ask with the full knowledge that the family might not want to answer. The reason I've adopted is the same reason that you had biological children: I wanted kids. I know people assume many things about why we adopted- most likely that we're infertile- but I feel like confirming or denying my fertility is no one's business but my own.

So, like I said, I'm sure there are others out there who don't mind being asked why they've adopted. There are definitely people who do mind. Maybe the best course is to err on the side of caution and not say anything?

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive mom and have a very large network of friends who are also adoptive parents. We all agree on this one thing. It is ok to ask who, when, and how but NEVER ask why. It is personal. If someone wants to tell, they will volunteer it.

[Anonymous]

I adopted because I wanted to be a parent. I guess i could have gotten pregnant, but I never tried. But that isn't really anyone's business. I have been asked why i adopted, and I usually respond by asking why the person asking chose to give birth. It usually stops them in their tracks and makes them see what a personal and irrelevant question it is. Being curious is not a good enough reason to get into someone else's personal business. Would you ask a family with 5 kids why they didn't stop at 3? Or a family with 2 why they don't have 6? We all make our own decisions about how to build our families.

[Anonymous]

"My son has been asking about a friend whom he knows is adopted. He wants to know why the parents chose this adopted friend. Perhaps "chose" is not the correct terminology to use, but I am at a loss as to how to explain this to him. How can I best explain this to my very curious boy?"


One thing I would suggest is that adoption is not like shopping. You don't pick your kids. Adoption really isn't like seeing a Wednesday's Child and welcoming them into your home. In some instances, you don't even meet the child until the adoption is complete or until you are about to go into the adoption ceremony to complete the adoption.

With adoption, you are chooing the means by which you will form your family - just as every other family does. Some people choose to have biological kids. Some that choose to have bio kids go through fertility treatments to form their family. Some people form their families using a surrogate, donor eggs or donor sperm. Some people form their families by marrying into families with kids. Some people parent a child because a relative cannot. Some people do a variety of these things to form their families.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with the PP. I think an explanation that would work for most children is that families are formed in many different ways. You could read some simple children's books about adoption with him. There are so many good ones out there. A great resource is tapestry.com

[Anonymous]

OP here: thank you for the insight and answers. I will not ask why to any adoptive families (or any families, really!). I know it really is none of my business and will stick to that.

As for my son...I didn't want to go with the idea that his friend was "chosen" because he is adopted. I will also look into tapestry.com and other resources for how families are formed.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest looking for books on adoption to share with your child. He is curious about his friend-as I teacher I go the route of explaining that all children are chosen to become a part of the family they are in(I'm in a religious school-which helps with this part) and that all families are different. I explain that some mommies can't take care of their babies/children so sometimes that baby/child goes to live with a family who can love them and take care of them. This may prompt questions about a lot of whys-you don't have to know specifics and can answer as best you can. It's just importnat to be open and give kids as much information as you can-you don't need all the answers.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive parent. I think rather than "chose" you could say that the family and child were matched together. All the wonderful people involved in the process (social workers, caretakers, all parents etc, you could be as specific or vague as you like depending on age of your child) thought that they would be a perfect match and would make a loving family.

Agree with pps about asking 'why' someone adopted. But I have been asked a number of times how we came to choose the country we adopted from and I welcome that curiosity and don't find it the least bit rude. I understand that people have a lot of questions about the process and adopted children and I'm happy to share our experiences. This type of question feels very appropriate and can lead to a conversation that raises understanding about adoption.

A woman at a pool a few weeks ago asked if my son (2 years old) gets really tan in the summer. I was a bit thrown off but had to answer "I don't know, this is the first summer we've had him!" Which led to a very nice 20 minute conversation about adoption from Korea. Turns out she and her husband have been considering adoption and she was happy to meet someone to talk casually about the process.

[Anonymous]

My mom is adopted and she taught me that her biological mom didn't have the means to raise her so the nice family from another town came over to help. They offered to raise her since they had the means and her biological mom said Yes. So the nice family took her to their home and gave her the beautiful life she always dreamed of.
There was never a pick and chose concept involved in that. It was all about reality and problem solving skills.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say to the OP that, as an adoptive parent, I really appreciate the fact that you are giving this some thought and taking the time to solicit suggestions about how to address this with your child. I'm not sure how old your son is but assume fairly young? So maybe just a simple-to-understand "families are formed in different ways but in every case it involves people who want to be together to take care of each other, share family experiences, and share their love?"