IVF humor...please add your humor and/or funny ivf moments

[Anonymous]

How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
. . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .


80-year-old Sperm Sample

An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldn’t get the lid off the jar.

[Anonymous]

Funny IF moments:

Ok, so I had done 11 IUI cycles at a clinic & I realized it had become too much part of my life when I started taking my pants off for a monitoring appointment ultrasound and the nurse said...uh, you might want to wait until I close the door...

When my DP did my first shot I was so tense that the needle literally bounced off of me without going in

I had brought donor sperm from the sperm bank to my re's office because it was cheaper than having it delivered. So I had a big sperm tank (think helium tank) in my trunk when I had to enter an army base for work & I had colleagues in the car in front of me & behind me--none of whom knew I was doing fertility treatments. Suddenly I realized that they were searching each car & trunk & I panicked, wondering what the inspector and/or my colleagues would think I was doing with this giant tank with weird markings...(would they think I was transporting Osama bin Laden's sperm???)

the all day squishiness of the suppositories for weeks that noone else knows about

walking around work with a line of clear jelly on the top of my pants from that morning's first OB ultrasound..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny IF moments:

Ok, so I had done 11 IUI cycles at a clinic & I realized it had become too much part of my life when I started taking my pants off for a monitoring appointment ultrasound and the nurse said...uh, you might want to wait until I close the door...

There was the time I took my dog to the vet, and the minute we were shown to the exam room and left alone, I found myself unbuttoning my pants. Fortunately, I recovered before the vet walked in.

[Anonymous]

I was very bloated from OHSS and I told the very straight-laced RE examining me that it felt like I was carrying around 2 bowling balls in my pants.

He awkwardly cleared his throat and responded, "Um, well that is certainly....descriptive."


I had some bleeding while pregnant and ended up in the ER. The sonographer was trying to be very calming and was explaining everything and she said, I don't want you to worry but I am going to need use this wand to do an internal ultrasound. I said, no biggie, I have had so many, that I call it by its official fertility patient nickname. She asked me what that was and I told her, "oh you know the dildo cam."

I accidentally used "dildo cam" in a phone conversation with my mom.

[Anonymous]

When a friend told me that she, too, had done ivf that resulted in her son I asked, rather insensitively, if he was a "totsicle" (from frozen embryo). She looked upset & her now 5 year old son (who I hadn't seen was in the room) asked, "Mom, what's a totsicle?"

[Anonymous]

I met another lesbian woman at a party & after talking a long time we both realized that we had used the same donor (sperm) to conceive our children. We went from casual party acquaintances to two mothers of half-siblings in a matter of minutes. Freaky.

[Anonymous]

OK, not too funny, just surreal...I'm now on endometrim suppositories 3 times a day...which means a midday insertion at work in the common bathroom...yuck.