Appropriate response needed in dealing with an insensitive grandmother

[Anonymous]

My husband and I live in a very small condo with our 7 month old daughter. We are all happy, but realize that it is TIGHT, and we think about how much nicer it would be if she had a bit more space to live and play.

My mother has a huge house, with a nursery for our daughter that is lovely. Beautiful crib, toys, etc. I have to admit I am jealous.

We are headed down to see them in May, and my mom told me tonight how fortunate it will be for her grandchild to have lots of space, be able to sit on a porch, etc. The kicker was, she ended it with, "You know, she can't do those things at her house. I am glad she can come here."

I was speechless out of anger, and decided to get off the phone as quickly as possible, lest I say something REALLY mean. My feelings were hurt. We are doing the best we can. My mother inherited a small fortune from my grandmother (her mother), and lives very comfortably. We have never asked for anything from her, and I am not about to start.

My mother doesn't deal with conflict very well. When I tell her the impact her words had on me, it will be tough. I am looking for ways to address this in a positive way.

[Anonymous]

A very simple "You hurt my feelings when you said that" would get your point across and is not likely to start a war.

No need to go on and on.

[Anonymous]

OP here-

I appreciate your response. I have been very honest in the past with, "I was hurt when you said. . ." Historically my mom has responded with, "This is not about you! Don't introduce drama into this, I am thinking about my grandchild. . ."

*sigh*

[Anonymous]

Oh, then you can't win (and shouldn't try). But I do think it's important to put down your marker and speak up in these instances. I guess just keep it short.

[Anonymous]

My mother pulls stuff like this all the time. I was on the phone venting about trying to balance the decisions of buying a place in the best school district that I can afford, instead of a cheaper, larger place with less desirable schools. Then she goes into a rant about how I am now seeing the kinds of sacrifices we make for children, like it is some fucking cross to bear. Making sacrifices is part of parenting and one that I will happily accept because I love being a parent. I'm 32, it is not like I started out as a teen parent or anything. I think she would only be happy if I waited until I hit the lottery or the age of 60 before considering kids.

My mother freaks out on me when I try to talk to her about how her words upset me. Seriously, it involves screaming and calling me names.

Sorry if I hijacked your post. I guess I am just trying to say that I feel you and I wish I had some advice to give. I'm still working on accepting that perhaps my mother is doing the best she can, which in reality is pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

Really, I wouldn't say a thing. And if she ever says a similar thing--and you feel a need to respond--I would make it only about yourself. "Yes, well it's expensive to live in D.C. But we love our life (and job/jobs?) here." The end.

[Anonymous]

What I learned in the first year of my son's life is to develop a very very thick skin. There are so many people willing to tell you - either outright or subtly - what they think you are doing wrong as a mother. My MIL was the worst, but my mother was close behind. For the worst offenses, I've had to speak out (insulting me in front of my son). But I try to let most of it roll off.

Try to focus on this. Your mother is probably trying to find reasons why she is a GREAT grandmother. So in her head, she may not have been implying that what you have is bad, she is trying to get you to say "how wonderful of a grandmother you are that you have this to offer." And in fact, it will be fun for your child to have lots of space. Just as it would be fun for your child to visit ANY new place that is different from home.

And if it makes you feel better, after our first vacation as a family, I was depressed when we came home. Because I actually LOVED being in a tiny little condo during vacation. I felt like I could let my child "roam free" more since I could be anywhere and still keep an eye on him. Sometimes smaller is better!

[Anonymous]

I would not bring it up. If she mentions it just say you're not living in DC for the large homes If you're living in Falls Church City their schools are in the top 5 nationally. You clearly have reasons you are living in DC, and don't be afraid to voice them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother pulls stuff like this all the time. I was on the phone venting about trying to balance the decisions of buying a place in the best school district that I can afford, instead of a cheaper, larger place with less desirable schools. Then she goes into a rant about how I am now seeing the kinds of sacrifices we make for children, like it is some fucking cross to bear. Making sacrifices is part of parenting and one that I will happily accept because I love being a parent. I'm 32, it is not like I started out as a teen parent or anything. I think she would only be happy if I waited until I hit the lottery or the age of 60 before considering kids.

When my mother says things like this I think she is hinting that I should now appreciate everything SHE has done. She actually gets mad at my dad if my dad says something like "you work so hard as a mom." My mom gets mad because he never appreciated her. And I do think for my mom it was a cross to bear. I think in her time, you got married and had kids, sacrificed your career, and that was your only choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I learned in the first year of my son's life is to develop a very very thick skin. There are so many people willing to tell you - either outright or subtly - what they think you are doing wrong as a mother. My MIL was the worst, but my mother was close behind. For the worst offenses, I've had to speak out (insulting me in front of my son). But I try to let most of it roll off.

Try to focus on this. Your mother is probably trying to find reasons why she is a GREAT grandmother. So in her head, she may not have been implying that what you have is bad, she is trying to get you to say "how wonderful of a grandmother you are that you have this to offer." And in fact, it will be fun for your child to have lots of space. Just as it would be fun for your child to visit ANY new place that is different from home.

And if it makes you feel better, after our first vacation as a family, I was depressed when we came home. Because I actually LOVED being in a tiny little condo during vacation. I felt like I could let my child "roam free" more since I could be anywhere and still keep an eye on him. Sometimes smaller is better!

OP here,

Thank you. This is actually how I feel. And thanks to others who weighed in on the subject. We all do the best we can with what we have, and should shut out "noise" from people, even grandparents, that get in the way of focusing on what is important.

[Anonymous]

Its really odd but my mom and I never had any issues until I became a mom. Even when I was a teenager, it wasn't difficult between us. She was always sweet and understanding and I felt that I could tell her *most* things (certainly not all, she is very prudish in some areas and I wouldnt be comfortable talking to my mom about some things anyway...). I never thought she was perfect but I never disliked her, even as a teen. Well, once I became a mother I started to received passive aggressive commnets from her that really stung. At first I think I was too shocked to say anything. Eventually though I would look at her directly say "why are you being so passive-aggresive with me?" It just infuriated her. Our relationship has deteriorated ever since and I am also now, admittedly very critical of her. It makes me very sad and I have thought about it a lot over the past 8 years (my oldest child will be 8 next month). I do not want to be mean to her but the way she picks at and critisizes me and others these days brings out my mean side. I have never put up well with mean people and rarely take it or watch it from anyone without firing back but now that its my mom I hate that I do this (it served me well in highschool and college). Anyway, I just think that sometimes, once a daughter has moved into the role of "center" (bewteen children and parents) some women ahve a had time relinquishing that role to merely become the elder, or the grandmother. It also doesn't help that many of these women (like my mom) are stuck with crotchety, retired old MEN who expect their wives to wait on them hand and foot. It seems pretty miserable all around. Maybe that is all it is... Your mom, OP, is just unhappy and taking swipes at you is less about you and more about how she is feeling about her life? I think that is my mom anyway.

[SMcCartney]

The first response made me smile knowingly. "Not likely to start a war" has no clue. It is all a question of how you define it. For my mom, it would not be a "war" in the traditional sense between mother and daughter, there'd be no "going on and on". But there would be upset, none the less. She wouldn't make a comment about introducing myself into things, she would just purse her mouth and shut down, get all obvious and sad and say not one flippin' word. Nothing that will hurt my mother's feelings is "easy" and truth invariably hurts my mom's feelings. Your mom sounds similar to my mom in law in her direct responses. She criticized our driveway, more than once, as a disgrace- this is a direct quote. The state of the American public school system is a disgrace, the lack of outrage and action over Darfur is a disgrace. The term is ridiculous in this context. It is a really long drive and would be several thousands to pave with blacktop- which we did not have. I told her, with a big smile, that we accept checks. It was the last time she mentioned it, at least to me.

I do believe they mean well and have love in their hearts. They do not hear themselves and, my ten cents, are from an era of near zero promotion of introspection and self-awareness. They just do not get it.

[Anonymous]

SMcCartney wrote:

I do believe they mean well and have love in their hearts. They do not hear themselves and, my ten cents, are from an era of near zero promotion of introspection and self-awareness. They just do not get it.

Amen. I think this is hugely responsible. My parents are the same way (mostly) and just do not see themselves for what their doing (and one is even a psychiatrist!). We have to choose our battles but I've often found it does better to let it go.

[Anonymous]

As I get older, I am learning to ignore a lot of the things my mom does that get under my skin. Comments, observations, etc. etc.

Mothers often have no inner monologue when it comes to their children, esp. their daughters.

I just grin and bear it.

[Anonymous]

OP, were you the poster from the thread last fall about the mom who's playing some delusional game of dress-up with her new granddaughter? If not, the two of you need to get together and commiserate about coping with nutty relatives: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/30960.page#197161

It sounds like deep down, you know that this isn't a simple question of finding the right words to communicate your hurt, at which point your mom will slap herself on the forehead and exclaim at how thoughtless she was. People like this thrive on weird power trips, and the only thing you can do is refuse to engage. Next time Mom says something rude, pause a moment, say "Wow" in your most dead-pan voice and then change the subject. And the next time you're invited over, you're perfectly within your rights to say "You know, Mom, I didn't have all that much fun last time. I think we're going to pass on this visit."