Tips for Helping Elderly Mother Adjust to a New Living Situation: Dementia Ward

[Anonymous]

Hi, I'd be grateful for any tips from "BTDT" folks re the best way to acclimate an elderly parent to a new living situation. I am moving my mother from another city to be closer to me. She is currently in an independent living place which she dislikes and has outgrown, but she has been there for many years and knows all the people. She will be downsizing from a one bedroom apartment to a bedroom, so I'm planning to bring lots of wall decorations, pictures, pillows, but not much else will fit. Maybe a chair or desk.

I'm sure the new community will make suggestions, but just thought I'd check with DCUM too. Right now my plan is to move her in, have lunch, and leave in mid-afternoon. Then I'm hoping to pop in at different times daily over next two weeks. Then I will be gone for a week - hopefully she will have adjusted a bit by then and have some "new friends" as the facility has lots of activities which they will take my mother to attend. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

From having moved our folks into an independent living unit a year ago, I think your having to be gone a week might actually be cause for concern to your Mom. If there anyway that you could ask a good friend or even two to go and visit her a couple of times while you are away during that week and introduce the friend to her a couple of days before you leave. Or could you even pay someone to do so and introduce her to your Mom ahead of time. I mean think of the sudden change from the place she has known and community to a brand new city, new setting and I take it just you as her lifeline to perhaps the reality she has left. Another thought is if she is religious at all, could you talk to the clergy person who might do visits to the nursing facility and see if he/she might drop by and introduce oneself to your Mom and visit with her while you are gone.

Also, if your Mom becomes very agitated with all the transition before you even mention your trip, I would consider hiring an agency to provide some direct sitters to her the week you must travel and let them know the kinds of things she might like to do - tv shows, walks, being read to, cards or other games. And also what activities you might like the sitter to be sure she gets to. Often late afternoon to early evening can be hard for the elderly so assess if someone should be around at that time till she is tucked in bed for evening. If she is on the edge of senility, a sudden move, new place and you not being there suddenly might push her over the edge. So do take time to discuss the best option open to you.

[Anonymous]

OP does your mom rember from day to day? How severe is her dementia? I know how hard this is! I cared for my mom with Alzheimer's. I think having lots of pictures and familiar items around is good, and music that she likes can be really helpful. The caregivers will know how to keep her busy and they will introduce her to people and provide activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP does your mom rember from day to day? How severe is her dementia? I know how hard this is! I cared for my mom with Alzheimer's. I think having lots of pictures and familiar items around is good, and music that she likes can be really helpful. The caregivers will know how to keep her busy and they will introduce her to people and provide activities.

Thank you. No, she forgets from day to day. You can hold a conversation with her and she will be very sharp, but she will not remember when she saw you last and will ask when that was. I just spoke to her by phone and she told me she was confused and didn't understand why she was in a certain room with other people. She said everyone is very nice and the place is beautiful, she is just confused (and she knows it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

From having moved our folks into an independent living unit a year ago, I think your having to be gone a week might actually be cause for concern to your Mom. If there anyway that you could ask a good friend or even two to go and visit her a couple of times while you are away during that week and introduce the friend to her a couple of days before you leave. Or could you even pay someone to do so and introduce her to your Mom ahead of time. I mean think of the sudden change from the place she has known and community to a brand new city, new setting and I take it just you as her lifeline to perhaps the reality she has left. Another thought is if she is religious at all, could you talk to the clergy person who might do visits to the nursing facility and see if he/she might drop by and introduce oneself to your Mom and visit with her while you are gone.

Also, if your Mom becomes very agitated with all the transition before you even mention your trip, I would consider hiring an agency to provide some direct sitters to her the week you must travel and let them know the kinds of things she might like to do - tv shows, walks, being read to, cards or other games. And also what activities you might like the sitter to be sure she gets to. Often late afternoon to early evening can be hard for the elderly so assess if someone should be around at that time till she is tucked in bed for evening. If she is on the edge of senility, a sudden move, new place and you not being there suddenly might push her over the edge. So do take time to discuss the best option open to you.

Thank you, PP, I was thinking the same thing, yes I will ask the clergy to visit with her. I will also give the staff a big heads-up of what is happening and ask them to give her some extra TLC.

[Anonymous]

My dad just made a similar move, albeit within the same (very large) complex and with an interceding lengthy hospital stay. He's now pretty advanced in terms of dementia so it's been less traumatic than it would have been otherwise. It's a really beautiful place and he's very happy.

I will mention one issue that has come up for us - my dad has been waking in the night and trying to get up because he doesn't know where he is. It's been an issue for weeks, and of course because he can't remember, there's little that can be done except some meds and better supervision. The first week meant tons of calls about stuff like this, so probably be prepared for that as well and make sure that the nurses' desk has all your numbers, even when you're travelling. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - From a friend who had two parents in an assisted living center and now just her Mom with a 24/7 provided private sitter. An time something happens to her such as a fall, they take her to the ER to be checked out and expect a family member or designated person to show up even though a sitter is there. So while you are gone whether for business or pleasure, you will do a lot better if you can find a friend or relative to be that designated person to go there and assess the situation if it came up. If you think while you are gone and she is confused that she might try to get out of bed etc., how about asking for an alarm system to be in place if she gets out of bed, just while you are gone.

[Anonymous]

When we did this with my aunt, the biggest problem adjusting was the TV channels. She was moved from NYC area to a western city where my mom and slster lived. Our Aunt could not get used to 2 not being CBS, etc...

[Anonymous]

Label everything with her name. The residents often take things from each other or forget things in different areas. They become very possessive and paranoid about stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Label everything with her name. The residents often take things from each other or forget things in different areas. They become very possessive and paranoid about stuff.

This. Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

I just moved my mom from independent living to a memory care unit in the same facility. We were lucky that a room with her exact floor plan became available so I took pictures and whip I was out with my mom had the movers (with help from a former nanny of ours to oversee) move everything exactly as it was before. I then spent about an hr with her when we got back and visited daily for the next week before I was gone for a week. What I would recommend is to try to surround her with as many familiar objects as possible. I have found that the memory care staff is much more hands on than they were in the independent living and that helped the transition. It's hard - just know you are doing your best and take care of yourself too!

Ps. The one thing that has been more difficult for us is keys. My mom can't remember to lock her room and other residents wander and sometimes walk in on her. I think it's ok (everyone is very nice and staff is around /aware as well) but I think this was/is disconcerting for her.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any other advice than what has been mentioned, but I just wanted to wish you and your mom well!
It will be great for you both to have her closer to your home.
You've gotten some wonderful advice here!

good luck to you.