How do you keep yourself from feeling hopeless at times?

[Anonymous]

Our child was diagnosed with ADHD and slow processing speed about six years ago. He/she was more of the inattentive type and is very bright, so it went unnoticed by us (we didn't really even know what ADHD was) or by his/her school until late elementary school. Since then, it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. We have been through different changes in medications, several psychatrists, a talk therapist to help him/her learning coping strategies, and have enrolled him/her in a school that (while it is mainstream) is known to be good at dealing with ADHD students. As he/she has progressed to high school, we have had some "normal" years where he/she does fairly well, is relatively happy, and is excited about at least a few of his/her classes. Then, we have the "nightmare" years with C's, D's, and F's even in classes where his/her strangths lie, a seeming inability to manage the workload, and an unwillingness to go to the teachers for help. It is overwhelming for our child, and we at times feel that nothing has truly helped. Our child is unhappy, and dealing with the constant stress of his/her emotional outbursts, reports from teachers, etc. has begun to take its toll on our own mental health at times. We have other children as well, and I hate to see the effect that this has at times on them. We have to keep plugging along to try to find something that works for him/her, but I sometimes want to just curl up into a ball and wish all these issue would just disappear. How do you keep plugging along, even with it seems that there is so little success for all your efforts?

[Anonymous]

I don't have any answers. But just wanted to say that I feel the same way--a whole lot of times. Going back home from work, I sometimes just want to keep driving aimlessly. Or go to sleep and never wake up.

[Anonymous]

All my sympathy, OP.
DS has the same diagnosis, but he is still in elementary school. Failing his grade, in fact, while his standardized test scores are through the roof. We will do a full neuropsych eval and will try meds.

Have you noticed whether your child's periods of under achievement coincide with something else? Change in meds or schedule? Bad fit with a teacher or students in his class? Change in his interests? What are you/ what is he doing to manage his anxiety?

Best of luck to your son, OP, and to you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for responding. I wish I had answers as well. If this were a bad job, I'd quit it; a bad apartment or home, I'd move; a bad marriage, I'd divorce. There is no "out" on this one, and I feel that almost nothing that I/we have tried has worked in the long run or that if I finally find a "solution" to one issue, a new one or a variation crops up. I keep hoping that things will get better as my child matures, but college is around the corner, and I don't know what I can do differently in a just a few years that will make a difference. I've been told that I can't take these issues to heart and that I need to let it all roll off me, but I'm finding it so hard to do when it's my own child.

[Anonymous]

To the poster with the elementary school child, I'm very glad that you were able to have this diagnosed early and have time to get supports for your child. We were lulled into relative inaction other than medication for several years because he/she was doing well in school. But then middle school hit, with its greatly increasing demands and need for independence. It hit us like a ton of bricks, and he/she has yet to be able to develop the coping strategies needed for greater demands. Best of luck to you, and i hope that you find something that works for your child!

[Anonymous]

My younger brother had terrible ADHD, worked basic jobs for a few years after high school, slowwwwly made his way through community college and got his bachelors around age 28? 29?. He now works as a park ranger out west and us happy and successful.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad things worked out for your brother. I have heard other stories about ADHD kids finally getting on track in their mid-to-late twenties. I hope this is true, although I'm not sure how i'm going to make it through an entire decade of hoping for the best...

[Anonymous]

I'm grateful when I look at my child and while there are many struggles and challenges for him, it all could be a lot worse. I'm just grateful my child can finally talk and say "I love you" or "mom, mom, mom." I worried if he'd ever even talk. Look at the positive and keep looking for ways to help your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, not to diminish what you are going through at all, but all of parenting is just hoping for the best. You can't guarantee good outcomes for any child. All you can do is do the best you can to try to get them the tools they need to eventually be able to stand on their own two feet. Even if that involves working out of HS and not going to college at least right away.

You also do need to take time for yourself so you have the opportunity to spend time curled up in a ball, if that's what you need to do, or to exercise or read a book for pleasure.

Best wishes to you.

(My child with SN is still very young and I get very nervous when I think about middle school and high school, so I am also sending best wishes to my future self.)

[Anonymous]

What school system are you in? We are FCPS. They have great academy classes. I think every kid across all abilities should learn a "trade." Most school systems offer something similar to what used to be called "Vo Tech." Your kid graduates already certified in auto mechanics, nursing assistant, dental assistant, etc. etc. My oldest is not special needs, and is going off to a 4 year college, but she still learned a "trade" through FCPS. It really does wonders for confidence. She is out working in the real world and has blossomed. Best of luck to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful when I look at my child and while there are many struggles and challenges for him, it all could be a lot worse. I'm just grateful my child can finally talk and say "I love you" or "mom, mom, mom." I worried if he'd ever even talk. Look at the positive and keep looking for ways to help your child.

I think this is good advice. I have two kids with ADHD and while they have some challenges, I try to focus on the fact that they are happy and healthy children. They do not have physical or severe mental challenges. I feel blessed.

[Anonymous]

I so understand where you are coming from OP, and I think you have to internalize that there is no "end zone" in most of parenting - you (and I) may have to adjust our ideas of what is a "good outcome." Your child may not succeed traditionally, and that may be fine and even possibly motivating - they could be a chef or artist or who knows? Or it could be something that changes. As long as your child is happy and able to support themselves, and I understand the worry about not even getting there! - the rest is just gravy. I do think it is so hard in this area, where traditional success is so important.

What helps me a little is really internalizing that ADHD is really a disability. As in, your child really is disabled. It is so common people write it off as "minor" but clearly, it is not. It impacts every part of life for the kids' who have it. The fact that your child is doing well in anything is honestly awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our child was diagnosed with ADHD and slow processing speed about six years ago. He/she was more of the inattentive type and is very bright, so it went unnoticed by us (we didn't really even know what ADHD was) or by his/her school until late elementary school. Since then, it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. We have been through different changes in medications, several psychatrists, a talk therapist to help him/her learning coping strategies, and have enrolled him/her in a school that (while it is mainstream) is known to be good at dealing with ADHD students. As he/she has progressed to high school, we have had some "normal" years where he/she does fairly well, is relatively happy, and is excited about at least a few of his/her classes. Then, we have the "nightmare" years with C's, D's, and F's even in classes where his/her strangths lie, a seeming inability to manage the workload, and an unwillingness to go to the teachers for help. It is overwhelming for our child, and we at times feel that nothing has truly helped. Our child is unhappy, and dealing with the constant stress of his/her emotional outbursts, reports from teachers, etc. has begun to take its toll on our own mental health at times. We have other children as well, and I hate to see the effect that this has at times on them. We have to keep plugging along to try to find something that works for him/her, but I sometimes want to just curl up into a ball and wish all these issue would just disappear. How do you keep plugging along, even with it seems that there is so little success for all your efforts?

Does anybody in your family have these issues? How did they turn out?

If you don't know anyone in the family with these issues, what about friends and co-workers? You probably know someone who went through this and became a successful adult.

If you can't look to people you know, look to famous people. There are a ton of people with ADHD and slow processing speed who have great lives. They were often late bloomers. Here's one list: http://www.addadult.com/add-education-center/famous-people-with-adhd/

What are your child's strengths and talents? Start focusing on those and thinking about ways for him to rely more on his strengths. What does he like to do? ADHD people can be very, very focused on a special interest. Let him have at it. One of the worst suggestions that I EVER got from a teacher was that we should restrict my son's robotics club activity until he improved his behavior and his grades. It was the only thing making school bearable for him. He loves robotics. Taking that away would take a struggling kid and make him even more miserable than he already was.

[Anonymous]

I pray.

[Anonymous]

I have an SN kid who has never been on meds. I was told by her school that she needed meds, but I said no. I changed her diet, went to alternative/integrative doctors, tried various unconventional therapies. She's much better. We've been through the roller coaster, OP, but never the way you describe. Our trajectory has been basically, two steps forward, one step back. Now, DD is about to graduate and go to college. She's doing extremely well. I credit the alternative therapies. My pediatrician calls them "untested medicine" but whatever. It's not her kid. Food and supplements aren't exactly dangerous, and in the case of my DD, have almost cured her. Sure she has some issues, but she's an exceptional student now.

So, perhaps you should open your mind to alternative therapies, OP, if the meds are working only intermittently. I do not trust ADHD medicines, which is why I never gave them to my kid. But every family and every child is different. We've adjusted our entire family around the needs of DD, who is one of four children. I decided early on that I couldn't adjust DD, so our family would have to adjust, ie eat the same diet she does, keep allergens out of the house, etc. We no longer have a fresh Christmas tree becasue of DD's allergies, we no longer eat gluten because of DD's inolerance to gluten, we no longer have carpeting because of DD's allergies, no chemical cleaners because of DD, etc. etc. I stopped wearing perfume because of DD's sensitivies to chemicals. It's hard, but not that hard. And DD is doing fine now.

Best of luck to you, OP. I've despaired over and over again, when DD is taking a step back, but she's always rallied (without drugs), and has taken two steps forward again and again. She still requires a lot of support, but I'm proud she's done so well, and pray she will continue to progress in college next fall when I won't be there to support her.