Apologizing for our kids

[Anonymous]

Hello,
I wanted to reach out to see if there are any other parents going through a similiar situation. Before I start explaining my issue I want to preface this by saying that I have the type of personality where I am always apoligizing even when it is uncalled for. My husband jokes that if someone cuts me in line I quiclky say "sorry" Which is ridcuous; why should I apologize for someone else cutting me in line.

That being said currently I have a lovely 2 and a half year old daughter. She is totally sweet and adorable. She is by no means fat (what an ugly word), but she is very tall and healthy - as our dr. tells us that she totally proportioned and there is nothing to be concerned about. Currently most of our frends have younger children (new borns/ one year olds) or no children at all yet. I always find my self teaching a lesson to my daugher while I am around friends. Saying things like "Gently" , "there are no babies here so we can't touch that", "no running", "lower your voice", "be careful". I end up feeling badly; and think I just want to let my daughter be a toddler. I know that all those examples I gave are obviously good lessons and good parenting, but when I am around certain situations they are constant and my daughter isn't at all acting up, she is just being a toddler. It is almost like I feel like my friends expect me to say this things. Of course all of these lectures don't phase her and the only thing that upsets her is when I tell her to say I am sorry (because she is so sweet that the thought of her doing something incorrect makes her cry). Part of me also feels like thsi will be a constant thing because she is taller than most kids her age.

I just told my husband that I don't want to hang out in certain of our friends homes because I hate constantly feeling like I have to apologize for our daughter. A lot of this goes back to this trait of my personality and I think that it is awful that it trickles down to my sweet little girl. Does anyone else ever have feelings like this? If so have you found away to deal with it? My friends are all nice caring people and I recignize that part of this is a me thing, but it makes me feel horrible.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I'm a big "I'm sorry" person. Horrible habit, ugh, so I empathize.

But I don't see anything wrong with teaching your child manners and empathy. She has to be gentle with little babies, and she has to learn to be kind to everyone (I might be projecting there, because my 2yo is going through a serious hitting phase for no apparent reason). I'd probably be letting my kid run in others' homes if he's not a danger, though. And I'm a big fan of having my son say he's sorry if he's hit someone or even pushed them down by accident. He's good at giving hugs, though, after these things. They won't "get it" immediately, but they will eventually.

It'll be OK, Mom. Focus on the values you want to instill and gently guide. You aren't apologizing for your child, you are teaching her how to be social, polite, and compassionate.

[Anonymous]

Original poster here. Thanks for the post and I understand what you are saying. My daughter does not have a hitting problem or any behavior problem at all. It is me being self conscious of how others view her. She is very into hugging as well and that is actually a good example when she is hugging a smaller kid I perceive that it comes off as "uh oh, she is crushing a smaller child". I will then tell her "be careful" and for her all she is doing is giving a hug.

[Anonymous]

Previous poster here, who also apologizes. Do you have any clue why you feel so self conscious? I mean really, what’s going to happen? I’m not saying that lightly, either, as someone with low self-esteem issues for years. I have found having children to be freeing, actually. Their best interests come before any embarrassment, etc. I could feel. Try looking at it like that for a bit, see if it helps

[Anonymous]

There are two issues here. One is more important than the other.

1) You are in a transitionary place with your kid and your friends where traveling to non-proofed, non child friendly homes is, well, difficult. Of course, you should teach your child manners and etiquette and blah blah blah, but you admit is exhausting and do not even want to attend friends homes. I would have them to YOUR house. Explain why, they will get it.

2) You MUST break yourself of this apologizing nonsense, if not for yourself, for the sake of your sweet child. Reread your e-mail, you are aware it is unhealthy and it needs to stop. It is upsetting to your child. You can stop this, you need to be bold. I have coached some of my friends to make friendly proclamations about their children. "She is healthy and tall for her age, and everything she is doing is normal" and then smile. Keep repeating. Get in the mirror and keep practicing until it feels normal. Get your DH in on it and make sure he does not let you "sorry."

Surely, your child will do regrettable things, but that is not your issue. You are obviously a good mom, so kudos to you for spotting this early on in your mothering!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. Thanks for the post and I understand what you are saying. My daughter does not have a hitting problem or any behavior problem at all. It is me being self conscious of how others view her. She is very into hugging as well and that is actually a good example when she is hugging a smaller kid I perceive that it comes off as "uh oh, she is crushing a smaller child". I will then tell her "be careful" and for her all she is doing is giving a hug.

OP--we sound a lot alike. I do the same thing with my son. He is also on the tall and "solid" size for his age (3 this summer). And he LOVES hugging and babies and it extremely sweet and sensitive.

And I am an "apologizer" and also someone who is concerned with how DS is viewed. It has only been very recently that I have been able to minimize doing this. What changed it for me is realizing several things--he is a toddler and my having unrealistic expectations for his behavior will set him up to fail. And the idea that he would lose some of that aggressive sweetness makes me so sad! I also wondered if I was worried that people would be judging me as well as him and maybe that was one of my concerns?

So now I only say something if he is about to really so some damage. Which actually hasn't happened.

What I also do is I let my mom friends with babies and "little-er" kids know, "Hey, my kid likes to hug! He's affectionate and has no sense of personal space. Do you mind if he sticks his face inches from your baby and smiles, or kisses her/him, etc?" That way, if they say no, baby is too young or something, I can distract DS in advance and not have to pick at him every time he does. I have found my voice as a mom in the sense that I am much more direct and upfront because, frankly, I don't have the time or energy to address things indirectly anymore!!

Good luck! It sounds like your DD and my DS would be buds.

[Anonymous]

Thank you previous poster. I agree we seem to be in very similar situations. My daughter is such a cuddler and is so affectionate and I wouldn't want to pass that up for anything. I like your idea of putting out there that she loves babies and hugging right away. I feel the same way; that I am setting her up to fail by being nervous about how she and I are preceived. Your words really helped me out.