Would you stay with your DH for the financial stability?

[Anonymous]

My sister whom I am very close to, is in marriage of convenience. Her husband is not abusive or alcoholic, or anything blaringly wrong ( he is emotionally closed off--therapists words), but she has admitted to me on numerous occasions she just is not in love with him. She has had an emotional affair in the past, and I wouldn't be surprised if she had another one--as that is what is mainly lacking in her union. The have two beautiful children, and a very comfortable lifestyle. My sister works, but in a non-profit ( still makes decent money by most standards), but her husband has one of those "big DC jobs" and his salary affords them the lifestyle she is accustomed. She is not flashy, this is not about designer clothes---more a nice house in a great area of town, family vacations ..etc. She asked me yesterday "would it be so wrong to stay in this marriage, knowing its not true happiness, but that it's comfortable and stable"....I honestly don't know? I have never been in this situation and my gut is people stay married for worse reasons--has anybody ever been in this situation and in retrospect regretted it?

[Anonymous]

It's historically a valid reason to marry and stay in a marriage, particularly if you want to provide a stable situation for the kids. That's why it's important to try and figure out your priorities and needs before you marry.

[Anonymous]

I personally would prefer my own happiness over anything materialistic, however she has two children to think about here.

Perhaps she is not "over the moon" in love w/her spouse, yet isn't miserable either so she feels that it is a decent trade-off for her.

I can see how some people can become conflicted in a situation such as this. It's not so easy to walk away from a certain lifestyle, most especially if you have young children.

[Anonymous]

Your sister cared enough about her husband to make two babies with him. She needs to grow up and be a good wife and stop acting like it's all about her.

What she doesn't know is the next fling she has could very well get those nice life goodies taken away THEN she'll have something to cry about. Instead of feeling sorry for her, you should be encouraging her to work on her marriage. That's what a good sister does.

[Anonymous]

Love in marriage is something we all work on. Do they do regular date nights? Do they talk, have fun, and just “play” together? It’s easy to let the ups and downs in everyday life bog us down, but love can be rekindled with some effort. Do they both want this? Are they willing to do the work?

~Candie~ with an -IE

[Anonymous]

Why did she marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister cared enough about her husband to make two babies with him. She needs to grow up and be a good wife and stop acting like it's all about her.

What she doesn't know is the next fling she has could very well get those nice life goodies taken away THEN she'll have something to cry about. Instead of feeling sorry for her, you should be encouraging her to work on her marriage. That's what a good sister does.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Under the circumstances you described, if it were me, I would stick it out for the kids.

[Anonymous]

She has dragged two children into this marriage. It is no longer just about her and her nebulous feelings of not being fulfilled. She owes it to them to hold their family together.

[Anonymous]

I've never stayed in my marriage long-term for the financial stability, but the overall stability, financial and otherwise, has encouraged me to try harder to improve things when we've gone through rough patches than I might have otherwise.

[Anonymous]

As a single parent with 2 school-age children...YES!

[Anonymous]

This is kind of me, minus affairs emotional or otherwise. My husband doesn't do anything horrible to me to warrant a divorce, but is emotionally closed off so there's no passion. But we have a very comfortable lifestyle and I don't want to give that up. We earn roughly the same salary, but combined they provide a lot more for our kids. We have a lovely home in a good school district, nice vacations, can help out family members who aren't as well off (including completely supporting my elderly mother), enroll our kids in whatever classes/lessons they want and will be able to easily pay for their college education. So I just suck up my hurt feelings over the lack of affection and realize this marriage is about a lot more than that. I agree with the PP who says it's about stability overall, financial and otherwise.

However, in hindsight I wish I didn't marry him.

[Anonymous]

No. It was important to me to pick a career that would allow me to support myself. Now that I have a kid, if lord forbid something happened to my husband or I ever found myself on my own with our lo I make enough to support the both of us. I never wanted to feel financially dependent on another person if possible. And no, I didn't put my career first per se. I still got married and finished law school all before 25.

[Anonymous]

Yep tell her to go find happiness. It will have no impact on the childern. LOL Once there are children involved you have to put your little ego trips and middle life crisis on hold.

[Anonymous]

Well, that WAS me. I felt very blah, nothing major, but really not feeling the love and just stayed, thinking, "whatever, this is it, this is how my marriage is going to be."

And then it wasn't. It was better. We turned some major corners, started talking more about US and things have vastly improved. I love him again, and he loves me again, and I'm pretty certain we both fell out of love. It's possible. Some of it is the ebb and flow of marriage, and some of it was because we both decided we mattered, not just our kids.