FIL diagnosed with terminal cancer

[Anonymous]

We just found out. My DH is a mess. Very close knit family and we haven't had any close relative deaths to deal with in the past. We are very close to my husbands parents (live a minute away, see every day) and we have two kids ages 3 and 5 and expecting a newborn in the fall. How do I support my DH and his family, take care of my kids and keep myself together to keep a healthy pregnancy? It is going to be a long road and we need to know where to turn, still waiting for more answers from the doctors and emotions are very raw at the moment. Just wanting to know how to stay strong and explain this to my kids and support DH and not loose it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just found out. My DH is a mess. Very close knit family and we haven't had any close relative deaths to deal with in the past. We are very close to my husbands parents (live a minute away, see every day) and we have two kids ages 3 and 5 and expecting a newborn in the fall. How do I support my DH and his family, take care of my kids and keep myself together to keep a healthy pregnancy? It is going to be a long road and we need to know where to turn, still waiting for more answers from the doctors and emotions are very raw at the moment. Just wanting to know how to stay strong and explain this to my kids and support DH and not loose it myself.

Find an online support group for his particular cancer. It's very helpful to "talk" with people who have been there/done that. These communities are a huge help for family members.

[Anonymous]

I don't have much advice, but I'm so, so sorry. Try to stay healthy with food and sleep. Let the kids see you sad. Let your husband lean on you. Find someone outside the situation for you to lean on, whether it's a friend or therapist or clergy person.

[Anonymous]

Don't be surprised or shocked that each family member may deal with this differently. And most likely all approaches are reasonable and respectful. Assume the best of people.

FIL has the final say re: treatments - how much - and end of life issues.

I would encourage, when the time is right, to make sure that end-of-life instructions are written down. No one should create drama (which certainly FIL would not want that)

[Anonymous]

I am going through something similar. I carved out a niche in handling administrative issues with insurance, etc so DH and his siblings didn't need to worry as much about details. I also did some research about end of life planning, etc that DH could share with MIL. It seems like the way I can be the most helpful.

[Anonymous]

Do your best to make sure that the family doesn't cling to unrealistic "hope" and by doing so, take away dad's opportunity to tie up his life and live his last days without the agony of useless treatment.

I'm sorry for your bad news.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. This is going to sound trivial now, but book a family photographer to come to their house & take photos of everyone in their natural environment asap. My mom was diagnosed w/ terminal cancer (and only lived 8 wks), and I got a photographer to come out that weekend. The rest of my family thought it was morbid & nuts, but we all treasure those photos. My kids are now 6, 5 & 2, and the kids love looking at these photos of themselves with grandma, and it's an easy way to keep her memory alive and chat about her with them

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. My only advice is to try not to think too far in the future with the "what ifs". Take it one day, one week at a time.

Wishing your family, and your DH, peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. This is going to sound trivial now, but book a family photographer to come to their house & take photos of everyone in their natural environment asap. My mom was diagnosed w/ terminal cancer (and only lived 8 wks), and I got a photographer to come out that weekend. The rest of my family thought it was morbid & nuts, but we all treasure those photos. My kids are now 6, 5 & 2, and the kids love looking at these photos of themselves with grandma, and it's an easy way to keep her memory alive and chat about her with them

As my mother progressed through her terminal cancer we had chances to visit over those months. Pictures of those visits are cherished and helps bring those memories to the fore. The fact that we had that time was also important as it gave all of us a chance to share with her, and each other, the memories of the past, the laughter and tears and also the future plans. I have seen many in great angst over not having that time when someone dies suddenly. Hence the importance of treating each time we visit as the last.