1st summer home after college ?

[Anonymous]

DS is a good kid and was always very respectful of rules and boundaries. And we experienced a little of the "dance" when he was home for Christmas and spring break. Now that he's home for the summer what are our expectations with respect to curfew and chores etc. He does have an internship for the summer. But this staying up or staying out LATE?!? And then sleeping late!?! How do you deal? The only rule I've always been nonnegotiable about is drinking and driving. And I think he does respect that. But otherwise I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Advice??

[Anonymous]

What time would you like him home when he has work the next day? And weekends?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you sit down and ask him what he expects and wants? You should be able to reach a compromise that is agreeable to everyone. You realize he is not a child and has a responsible job (internship) to maintain. He realizes that he is part of a larger living situation where his interactions have an affect on others. The usual problem areas are hours and food. He is used to late nights and a free buffet. If you tell him exactly what impact he is having on you he may try to be more considerate. You will have to give him a bit more freedom and privacy than last summer. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If he's getting to his job, why do you care if he stays up late and sleeps in when he can?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you sit down and ask him what he expects and wants? You should be able to reach a compromise that is agreeable to everyone. You realize he is not a child and has a responsible job (internship) to maintain. He realizes that he is part of a larger living situation where his interactions have an affect on others. The usual problem areas are hours and food. He is used to late nights and a free buffet. If you tell him exactly what impact he is having on you he may try to be more considerate. You will have to give him a bit more freedom and privacy than last summer. Good luck.

You think his food should be restricted?

[Anonymous]

I always think its odd when parents get annoyed at teenagers sleeping in late. Coming in late I can see because it can be a distraction to those sleeping/cause anxiety for waiting parents but how on earth would sleeping in be annoying?

[Anonymous]

Two of mine are 20 and 23. Each went to college when they were 16. Here are the rules they had:

1. If you're home for a month or more, you must be doing something that equals full time, whether that's a quickie course at the local college to bang out a requirement combined with a job, or just a full time job.
2. You are to contain your mess to your bedroom, and not do anything to attract animals.
3. You are absolutely welcome to do laundry, but may not leave clothes in either machine any longer than eight hours.
4. You are to let me know by 4pm if you will be home for dinner or not, and are to ask by 4pm if you want to invite friends to our dinner. If you want to have friends over after family dinner time and THEN go making food or ordering in, you are cooking, paying and cleaning up from it.
5. If you're staying out later than I am staying awake, you are to close my bedroom door completely once you're home (that's the kids signal they're home without waking me). You are to lock the door and not to wake other people up.
6. You are to ask if you can have friends over. As in high school, you are responsible for either getting them to clean up any messes or cleaning them up yourself, and getting your friends to follow house rules. If you can not get a friend to follow the rules and need me to play Mean Mommy, let me know.

I don't really bother saying no drinking and driving. That's like saying "Don't murder people." Of course the kids know to follow all the laws. I don't mind if they sleep late as long as they meet their obligations (job, college course). They know they can always call if they don't have a sober way of getting home. Some of these are basic and about respecting a home. If you eat the dinner someone else prepared you are helping to clean up from it. They know if they want to have a friend over for dinner they need to tell the friend to contribute. "Help me set the table," or "We have to empty the dishwasher," or something. I try to treat them like adult roommates they want to be, with a bit of extra mom-help.

[Anonymous]

My DD is coming home and we've pretty much followed PP's rules over break. They should already know not to drink and drive. That was a rule we hit on over and over again in high school. Beyond that, I ask for common consideration. be quiet at night. Clean up after yourself. The letting us know your plans is a potential issue because DD likes to keep her options open until the last minute, so we have to really enforce that one. Beyond that, there's really no sense in having curfews and such when they can do what they want when they're at school. I focus on safety and consideration.

[Anonymous]

1951 Reads like a lot of rules, but they are all good ones. Sounds like a nice home!

[Anonymous]

No curfew - this is ridiculous for someone who goes and does what he wants at school. He can be respectful coming and going, but I thought a curfew was ridiculous when I came home from college 20 years ago (I was 1000 miles from home) and I think it is ridiculous now.

I like the idea of closing mom's door to signal they are home, without waking anyone up.

[Anonymous]

I do understand setting an expectation of what time you will be home at night. I wouldn't call it curfew. More like, if you plan to spend the night out, text by midnight to let me know. Or, if you aren't going to be home by midnight, text and let me know ETA. I just don't sleep well knowing they are out.
As for getting annoyed at them sleeping late? I so don't understand that one. If there is nothing that needs to be done, who cares when they sleep.

[Anonymous]

These kids aren't children anymore. They work hard and have been essentially independent and successful for the past year. Many have jobs, classes, or studying to do over the summer. What they don't have is their own residence. This is the deciding factor. It should not be about controlling them but rather about mutual respect. If you get up at 5am to commute they cannot expect to entertain friends until 2am. If you cook dinner but they don't like the selection they should not be offered something else. On the other hand you should not be trying to force them into the role of a minor. They should not have to tell you where they are and who they are with constantly. Your expectation that your child is coming home to cuddle in your open arms is not really realistic. A basement room with a separate entrance is the best compromise lol.

[Anonymous]

You people are wimps. Hell, sounds like the kids ran over you during high school might as well let them do the same now.

[Anonymous]

PP's rule seem like simple courtesy to me and a good way to treat adult child who is, in effect, getting free room and board for school break. I don't think parents should interfere with late bedtime/late getting up so long as it doesn't affect a potential job/internship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are wimps. Hell, sounds like the kids ran over you during high school might as well let them do the same now.

Please tell us what you would do differently, especially since you seem to think everyone posting here is doing it wrong.