Silently stressing over teen and young adult children -- when will it stop?

[Anonymous]

When my kids were small I dreamed of the time they'd be grown and independent. I fantasized that once they were out of the house DH and I would be carefree. I thought maybe it would be like before we had kids -- where they only things we worried about was ourselves.

But I was clearly wrong. Kids are in their late teens/ealy 20s now and I still worry about them. I'm not a helicopter parent so I mostly worry silently. But I worry all the same -- about their romantic relationships, their job prospect, their grades, and whether they are leading happy, healthy lives. The worst part it standing by and being mostly an observer or supporter from the sidelines. It's tough -- much tougher than I thought it would be!

Older and wiser parents, do you deal with this kind of worry? Does it ever get better? [sigh]

[Anonymous]

My two oldest are 20 and 23. I don't really worry. They've proven I don't need to worry about their grades or their ability to juggle school and life. Sometimes something slips through the cracks (DD wears the same jeans every day of finals week) but it's nothing that's a huge deal.

I worried about their romantic relationships until I felt sure they were protecting themselves from pregnancy and STDs. I can't control if they wind up marrying someone I don't like so I let that go.

When I can, I help - DS got walking pneumonia the week before midterms and I flew out to help and wound up typing up a couple of papers he'd done the work on, and making him soup and doing his laundry.

But really, you have to let these things go. You need to have confidence that you did a good job parenting and your time is kind of over and it's time for your kids to take what you've taught them and apply it to their lives.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you. I do try to let stuff go. For instance, my 22 year old's girlfriend is lovely but has some issues -- I worry about how things will go for them if they stay together. WHen this happens I try to recall how many issues I had (and still have) when DH and I got together, yet my MIL was wonderful towards us and never let on (though I'm sure she had misgivings). When I worry about my 19 year old and alcohol use I remember some of the stupid stuff I did at that age, and how I grew out of it and learned moderation. I do still worry about him being safe, but I try to trust that he's a smart kid with basically good values and priorities. When I worry about my DD (16) who struggles with school academics I tell myself she's got a long life ahead and who know when she'll blossom and what she'll become. That helps a little.

It sounds like you have a healthy balanced attitude about your kids. I'm working on it. I think outwardly my kids can't usually tell that I worry. I don't want to burden them with that. I just need to stop burdening myself so much.

[Anonymous]

I have a college student with health issues, so I worry about her all the time. It never ends. I've been trying to let things go, but when I do, small crises pop up. So now I'm using the strategy I used when my children were small: describe, describe, describe. "You haven't vacuumed your room in three weeks. That must be aggravating your dust allergies." Well, she can decide to vacuum or not, but I've done the best I can. "Your medicines work best when you take them on a regular schedule." She can skip them, but she's going to feel like shit if she does. At least I'm doing something, but don't feel I'm nagging. Her adolescent brain won't mature until she's 25. I'm keeping a distant eye on her at least until then.

OP, it depends on your kids. I don't think you should suffer in silence. See a therapist if it's bothering you. Your kids know more than you think they do, and they can sense your anxiety. If you won't want them to see it, find ways to deal with it, or do what I do, express it in a neutral, non-judgmental way. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The worst part it standing by and being mostly an observer or supporter from the sidelines. It's tough -- much tougher than I thought it would be!

Does it ever get better? [sigh]

It gets a lot better when you accept these feelings as perfectly normal and practice this:

"...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Good parents are parents for life. Giving up the control IS hard.

[Anonymous]

Do you work? Have any hobbies? This is a great time to learn a new skill, do some traveling, and enjoy the company of your spouse again. That might help take your mind off stuff you can't control anyway. Maybe yoga?