Guilt when talking with mom

[Anonymous]

I'm pregnant now with my first. When talking with my mom today, she was SHOCKED when I mentioned we were visiting day cares, that I would consider going back to work so soon. Our plan is that I will take 3 months off, then when I go back to work, my husband will take 3 months off, so our daughter would be needing day care or other child care around 6 months. I realize that things may change once she's born, but anyway, that's our tentative plan.

My mom was a great stay-at-home mom, and still has gender stereotypes (man should work and the woman stay home). I didn't even mention to her that if our plan changed and one of us decided to stay home, it would most likely be my husband staying at home for financial reasons.

I believe that our tentative plan is a reasonable one for our situation, so why do I feel so bad and guilty when I think about my mom's reaction????

[Anonymous]

You know they say: Our parents know how to push our buttons because they're the ones that installed them.

Good luck, OP. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Because it is only natural to feel guilty about going to work instead of staying home. Working moms (including me) feel guilt about this even without other people putting it on us. You just have to remember that you are working to provide the best life you can for your child, not because you don't care about that child's upbringing.

[Anonymous]

My advice to you is don't talk too much to your mom about your plans. Mothers are difficult to deal with and the more you tell them, the more they find ways to make you feel guilty...When my mom asks me about my plans for when the baby will be born, what the name of the baby will be...etc, I simply reply "We haven't decided yet". That way, I am able to keep my mind at peace at least for a while. Our mothers don't have to know everything about our lives...

[Anonymous]

Times are so different now than they were when our Mother's were staying at home. Two income families were rare. It isn't the case now, especially with this crap economy!

Just remember, it is your life and your family. The three of you. As much as you love your Mom, the ONLY important thing is you do what you need to do for your family. Period!

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty rare for parents to be able to take six months off to stay home with their new baby, whether it's the mom taking the whole six months or both parents switching off, so you have nothing to feel guilty about putting your kid in day care at six months old. I also think it is really terrific that your husband can (and is willing to) take three months to be at home with the baby. So few dads are willing or able to make that kind of commitment to a new baby, and I think that shared experience will make you all stronger as a family. I'm sure your mother would have loved that kind of support from her husband, whether she will admit it or not.

[Anonymous]

This whole mom-daughter thing when you have a kid is weird. Not only have times changed, but you are a different person than her, with different circumstances. It sounds like she may see "your" choices as being a (negative) commentary on "her" choices 20-30 years ago.

But it's not.

Now, how to handle it? I'm still clueless about that one.

[Anonymous]

My mom did the same with me, and we were not in a position to not have my income. As she didn't volunteer to immediately move down and take care of ds, or start sending checks, I did my best to let it roll off my back like water off a duck. She got over it, mostly when she took a deep breath and looked at our reality.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for sharing. I feel better already, just needed to vent, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it is only natural to feel guilty about going to work instead of staying home. Working moms (including me) feel guilt about this even without other people putting it on us. You just have to remember that you are working to provide the best life you can for your child, not because you don't care about that child's upbringing.

I respectfully disagree with this post. I don't think it is always natural to feel guilty about going to work instead of staying home. I went back at 9 weeks with DD and plan to go back in about 4 weeks (will be 9wks total) with my new DS. I do not feel guilty at all. I am already teleworking a few hrs a week. I love my job and my DH and I have off-set and flexible schedules so our DC are not in daycare for really long days and we love our in home daycare. I know that we have found a situation (job hours, daycare, etc) that really works for us so that makes it so much easier to go back to work. My DH is also a 50/50 partner in the household and child rearing.

To answer OP - my mom also stayed home and feels that her biggest accomplishment was raising 3 kids that turned out well. I agree that she was a great mom. She also gave me some serious guilt trips when I was pregnant with DD, but now that I have #2 she sees that our family functions well. I never let her comments get to me and now it's a great feeling that she acknowledges we are doing a good job with balancing work/family life. My advice is to just hang in there and hopefully over time your mom will see that you are doing what works best for your family.

[Anonymous]

Though my mom is very supportive of me working, she did offer to help out if I wanted to quit after our first. My parents are not insanely rich, but definitely have enough to contribute to our income for a few years. My dad worked insane hours while I was growing up to provide a nice life for us, and my mom stayed at home.

I explained to her that in this economy, it wouldn't make good sense, even if my parents could match my current salary, to stay home for a variety of reasons: if my husband should lose his job, health insurance for a family, even a young healthy family, would cost thousands per month; and that in addition to my salary, I was contributing to our retirement, and am advancing my career so that in five years I can make even more, vs. staying home for that time and starting from scratch. Not to mention, that I really enjoy my job (and it helps that I work very reasonable hours and have flexibility).

I also told her that while she was happy staying at home her whole life, and it made sense as my dad traveled and worked so much, DH and I are must more "equal" in that we both have very reasonable jobs with flexibility, etc. and that we are true "co-parents" whereas my mom had to do most of the parenting due to my dad's hectic schedule. By me going back to work, my husband is very helpful with household chores etc. that I would likely be expected to do if I was home all day.

She totally understands and is supportive and even admires me for being a working mom. The fact is, times are different now. I think most SAHMs plan on going back to work eventually and that can be tough, especially if you are like me and hate "networking" which you may have to do if you want to get back in.

Also, my mom was 24 when she had her first, we started much later so I have a thriving career and advanced degree, certifications, etc. Times are just so different now.