Aging Parent: Signs and Symptoms

[Anonymous]

Just to give you a little history, I was born into a very bad marriage that eventually ended in divorce. Over the years, my Mom has hinted at the details and verbally and emotionally abused me. In the last few years, the verbal abuse has gotten much worse and inappropriate. I am wondering she is experiencing the beginning stages of Alzheimer's disease or some other degenerative condition [cue in stories of the ways she tried to abort me]. On her last visit, I had to leave my house and stay at a hotel for the night until she could get a flight out in the morning. I am not sure if she reliving and regretting her life or if it is something medically-related.

For those that have parents with Alzheimer's, did your relationship take a turn for the worse. How did the disease start and progress, did the bad just get much worse?

[Anonymous]

Does she try to rewrite history? Her life/marriage might not be as bad as she is telling you. She just might want the last word. I hang up on my mother when she does what you described, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Alzheimer's can take a lot of different forms. My family member was always kind before he got sick and largely stayed that way after the disease really took hold. However, his wife did start to suspect that something was going on in the earlier stages of the disease when he got far more argumentative and grumpy with her and with good friends in a way that seemed very new. There are usually also some telltale signs like forgetting directions to places they have been a million times and getting very lost in familiar places. Not being able to find their cars in parking lots (not having any clue where it is, as opposed to those of us who forget to note the row, etc.)

Has your mom had a thorough check up lately? Unfortunately, there is no foolproof test for Alzheimer's while someone is living, but they can do baseline memory tests. They should also rule out other things-- like blood vessel blockages. In my opinion, doctors don't always think to check all the things that can cause cognitive issues if someone is a certain age.

Good luck, OP. It sounds like a difficult relationship under the best of circumstances. I wish the best for you and your mom no matter what.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are going through this, OP.

[Anonymous]

It looks different in everyone as PP said. My MIL did get very difficult and her personality changed from very loving, sweet to saying some pretty shocking stuff that she would never say before. It is worth getting looked at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she try to rewrite history? Her life/marriage might not be as bad as she is telling you. She just might want the last word. I hang up on my mother when she does what you described, frankly.

This PP here. I don't intend to be flip about the situation, I am hopeful that either an abusive person can turn "good", or there is meds for it - as both my mother and Mil have always been extremely difficult. Does alzheimer's work in the reverse?

Have you tried getting your mother a checkup about the situation, OP?

[Anonymous]

My father got more pleasant, but also more anxious and paranoid too. My mother got more moody, but she is in the early stages and lucid and fine most of the time.

OP that really sucks. My MIL is verbally abusive. She has always been bad, but it gets more nasty with age. We point it out, give her a chance to self-correct and when she doesn't we walk out the door when she behaves that way. We tell her why it is unacceptable mostly because we want our kids to learn it is never OK to have someone be verbally abusive.

We have needed to take quote a few extended breaks from her as well. We tried to have various social worker check up on her, but she drove them away. We donated to a charity in her area that works with the elderly and asked if we could pay someone to check in, but they said they only accept donations. She seems to behave a little better with them because they aren't what she calls "shrinky dinks."When she gets nasty, they do the same thing we do, but usually she gets herself back together because she still is obsessed with "keeping up appearances."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father got more pleasant, but also more anxious and paranoid too. My mother got more moody, but she is in the early stages and lucid and fine most of the time.

OP that really sucks. My MIL is verbally abusive. She has always been bad, but it gets more nasty with age. We point it out, give her a chance to self-correct and when she doesn't we walk out the door when she behaves that way. We tell her why it is unacceptable mostly because we want our kids to learn it is never OK to have someone be verbally abusive.

We have needed to take quote a few extended breaks from her as well. We tried to have various social worker check up on her, but she drove them away. We donated to a charity in her area that works with the elderly and asked if we could pay someone to check in, but they said they only accept donations. She seems to behave a little better with them because they aren't what she calls "shrinky dinks."When she gets nasty, they do the same thing we do, but usually she gets herself back together because she still is obsessed with "keeping up appearances."

PP here. THIS. If "keeping up appearances" is your loved ones' concern, use it to your advantage!

[Anonymous]

My mother was always difficult. Now, a year after the official diagnosis, she is way more difficult. It's not the memory loss that is the major problem. It's her insistence of having things her way every time. She was always that way before, but now it includes insistence on irrational, wasteful, time consuming rituals. The first sign was confusion about directions to familiar places. Next came out of control hoarding. Problems with the checkbook. Inability to plan meals. Poor decision making. By the time I convinced her doctor to do a complete evaluation, it was obvious to everyone but her that there was a serious problem. Even after the diagnosis my parents refused to do any kind of planning. It took a health crisis to get them to move to a supported living arrangement.

[Anonymous]

As hard as it is and will be, you need to start separating your history and her illness and just focus on her condition and what you can do to support her unless there is someone else in the picture who will have that responsibility. Alzheimer's sucks and there is not a lot of dignity in many aging-related conditions. My father was always easily agitated and became moreso as his condition deteriorated. But for your own sake, let go of the past. Do what you can to help her if that's a choice you're making, and build the future you want for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you a little history, I was born into a very bad marriage that eventually ended in divorce. Over the years, my Mom has hinted at the details and verbally and emotionally abused me. In the last few years, the verbal abuse has gotten much worse and inappropriate. I am wondering she is experiencing the beginning stages of Alzheimer's disease or some other degenerative condition [cue in stories of the ways she tried to abort me]. On her last visit, I had to leave my house and stay at a hotel for the night until she could get a flight out in the morning. I am not sure if she reliving and regretting her life or if it is something medically-related.

For those that have parents with Alzheimer's, did your relationship take a turn for the worse. How did the disease start and progress, did the bad just get
much worse?

So sorry, OP. I have two parents with dementia. Mom (Alzheimer's diagnosis) went through a stage just like this but thankfully exited it pretty quickly and is now pleasant but with pretty much no memory. Dad (Alzheimer's or frontal lobe dementia) is totally inappropriate at odd times. Hoping he skips through this stage pretty quickly too because it's a real problem. Unfortunately, dementias affect everyone in different ways and it's impossible to predict behavior.
As for the relationship, it really helps if you don't personalize the hurtful words. Keep reminding yourself it's the disease (if she gets that diagnosis). Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

My mother rewrites history more and more these days. Suddenly everyone in the family-- aunts, cousins, etc-- who she used to badmouth 20 years ago is just wonderful. Not sure if it's a sign of aging or what.

Both parents are also increasingly paranoid (the world is going to hell in a handbasket and all they talk about is ISIS) and watch a lot of television rather than participate in activities. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. Both of his parents are retired and VERY involved in their communities and participate in all kinds of activities, including part time work. I'm very envious of him and wish my parents would do the same. Mine make up excuses all the time as to why they can't do this or that. The only thing they want to do that requires moving away from the TV is see their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for your helpful responses. I miss talking to my Mom but I am not sure if I am ready to open myself back up to her cutting words. I will repeat this over and over for the next few days:

it really helps if you don't personalize the hurtful words

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom?

[Anonymous]

OP here. My Mom is 73 but a very youthful 73. She exercised regularly and takes pretty good care of herself. Our relationship is a complex one, and on the outside it would look like things are fine. When I open up to people, they are very shocked, which makes it even harder.

She has often said that she loved me when "I got here" but I don't think she wants to face her other side. While I was driving one day, she accused me of propositioning her boyfriend when I was 11 or 12. She did not hear it directly but I was told this by the boyfriend. I think she blames me for a lot of things.