Curiosity from bosses

[Anonymous]

I have been trying for 2.5 years. In that time I have left one job, and am in process of leaving another now (both times on to better things, promotions -- all good!). Anyway, both times when I gave notice, my boss alluded to me having kids. First time, my boss said "Well now that you are leaving I can ask you -- do you want kids?" and this time, my boss was more tactful, but said something like "...and you can pursue other personal things, for your family, in this job... if you want."

I am annoyed because it is obvious that people do not know what to make of an early-to-mid 30s woman who is getting promoted but seemingly is not interested in kids. Like I'm just not interested, and that's why I am not having any. Like it hasn't occurred to me to have kids. UGH mind your own business and keep it professional!! WTF. I love how IF does not even occur to them, even though it affects like 10% of women and I work in health care.

[Anonymous]

While I haven't experienced this from bosses it seems like I'm getting asked "do you have kids" by coworkers at least twice a week. It's really irritating.

[Anonymous]

I find if you ask a question right back to them, people are more interested in talking about themselves. Ask right back, "do you have/want kids"? I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but try this deflection tactic, sometimes it works like a charm. Of course, then you have to listen to them blabber but at least you can avoid the question about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find if you ask a question right back to them, people are more interested in talking about themselves. Ask right back, "do you have/want kids"? I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but try this deflection tactic, sometimes it works like a charm. Of course, then you have to listen to them blabber but at least you can avoid the question about you.

+1 I think the asking if you have kids Q is just people making conversation since if you have kids it's a common small talk topic. But your boss should not be asking about your family plans!

My dept hired a woman about a year and a half ago, fully expecting that she'd probably be having a baby since she was looking to move out of consulting to a job with more regular hours/little travel, is in her late 30s, had been married a couple years and she and her husband were buying a house. We certainly never asked but that sure looks like someone setting up their life to have a baby. Still not pg (as far as I know) and while we are very friendly I'd NEVER ask about her baby plans. Given her age, I wouldn't be surprised if she's having fertility problems but the details of her reproductive life are none of my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if you ask a question right back to them, people are more interested in talking about themselves. Ask right back, "do you have/want kids"? I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but try this deflection tactic, sometimes it works like a charm. Of course, then you have to listen to them blabber but at least you can avoid the question about you.

+1 I think the asking if you have kids Q is just people making conversation since if you have kids it's a common small talk topic. But your boss should not be asking about your family plans!

My dept hired a woman about a year and a half ago, fully expecting that she'd probably be having a baby since she was looking to move out of consulting to a job with more regular hours/little travel, is in her late 30s, had been married a couple years and she and her husband were buying a house. We certainly never asked but that sure looks like someone setting up their life to have a baby. Still not pg (as far as I know) and while we are very friendly I'd NEVER ask about her baby plans. Given her age, I wouldn't be surprised if she's having fertility problems but the details of her reproductive life are none of my business.

Well, you certainly seem to be spending a lot of time thinking about them!

[Anonymous]

My boss knows and thank God for it. We've had some terrible losses and I've had to take time off while hospitalized, etc. We're on to surrogacy now. Boss has been amazingly supportive. Has made it possible for me to keep my job and keep up through many years of crazy medical stuff.

[Anonymous]

You are being way too sensitive. Its just chit chat exit banter and means nothing. Not everything is more complicated then it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being way too sensitive. Its just chit chat exit banter and means nothing. Not everything is more complicated then it seems.

Wow. Ok then. OP you are not being "way too sensitive." These questions are hurtful, even if the person does not mean them to be. It's not that it's "complicated" - it's that people don't think. And it's hurtful, regardless of motive. So it's totally fine to be sensitive and just try to remember - people are truly oblivious when it comes to IF unless they have experienced it first hand. I know I was before it happened to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being way too sensitive. Its just chit chat exit banter and means nothing. Not everything is more complicated then it seems.

+1, and it is a very common reason for women to move on to a different job. It probably makes the old employer feel better to think you're leaving for personal reasons rather than because you could do better. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find if you ask a question right back to them, people are more interested in talking about themselves. Ask right back, "do you have/want kids"? I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but try this deflection tactic, sometimes it works like a charm. Of course, then you have to listen to them blabber but at least you can avoid the question about you.

+1 I think the asking if you have kids Q is just people making conversation since if you have kids it's a common small talk topic. But your boss should not be asking about your family plans!

My dept hired a woman about a year and a half ago, fully expecting that she'd probably be having a baby since she was looking to move out of consulting to a job with more regular hours/little travel, is in her late 30s, had been married a couple years and she and her husband were buying a house. We certainly never asked but that sure looks like someone setting up their life to have a baby. Still not pg (as far as I know) and while we are very friendly I'd NEVER ask about her baby plans. Given her age, I wouldn't be surprised if she's having fertility problems but the details of her reproductive life are none of my business.

Well, you certainly seem to be spending a lot of time thinking about them!

LOL, but at least I keep my nosiness in my own head Really, she's just a lovely person and I wish everyone who wants a baby can have one easily. I have many friends and family who've gone through fertility struggles and I know how miserable it is.

[Anonymous]

Reading DCUM, I appreciate how amaizingly professional my office is. At least, the management part.

[Anonymous]

Am I reading this wrong? It sounds like both bosses starting getting nosy AFTER she turned in her notice to quit. Not sure why is matters anymore, not like it was a frequent occurance while on the job. Personally, people think I don't have any interest in having kids, and I prefer it that way.

[Anonymous]

I find some co-workers can be terrible. A woman in my office was pregnant with her 5th child and we were at our holiday party. I was prepping for another FET which no one knew of course. Someone said something about a low grade fever and I asked some questions because my temp had been consistently over 99 that week. This woman went on and on about how I could be pregnant. It said something bland about being on bc pill (I wasn't going to tell them it was for an FET). Anyhow, she started making jokes about how she got pregnant on bc. I wanted to get up from the table and run. The thing is, fertile people say things like this all the time and they have no clue what they are talking about. One day I will figure out what to say to people like this, but until then I just smile and nod. That said, I think your bosses comments are super odd. I have always had very professional bosses who never said anything or asked me anything about having children.