Letting it go....

[Anonymous]

Making a long story short-- I come from a family with 5 kids. We are all adults and all have our own families now. Our mother died a number of years ago. Since then my father has spent most of his time pitting each of us against each other. He has also choosen a clear favorite child who receives extra support with money, his time, etc. Needless to say the chosen one isn't me. Most of the time I just ignore him because it is very annoying and destructive. As his grandkids have gotten older he treats the kids of the chosen sibling much better then the rest of his grandkids. He sends them to privates school, receive funds to travel abroad and the oldest has received a car. It really didn't bother me but now it is really upsetting me as I see him actively choosing to not spend time or money in my own kids. That really hurts. As my kids have gotten older they are beginning to notice this. I have been thinking about this a lot since we spent time with him over spring break. My kids love him but I am wondering if I need to protect them a bit more from him. When I try to bring up this subject with him he begins yelling-- not worth it. I (along with a brother) have almost completely stopped interacting with the choosen sibling because it is really hard to interact with all the baggage my father has injected into the situation.

How do I just let it go?

[Anonymous]

This is a crappy situation. If it were me (and I'm not saying this is right) I would tell him - Dad, the kids are starting to notice that you enjoy spending time with sister's kids more than them. It hurts them and it hurts me. So we will not be spending time with you. If he can recognize the inequity in the situation and takes steps to fix it, then you can reconsider.

[Anonymous]

I think it's totally unfair that you've essentially cut off the favored sibling but not your father. He is the toxic one in this situation. I'd be totally clear, in writing if he won't listen--"Your decision to blatantly play favorites is a problem. My kids are starting to notice. I don't care about the material things, but I do care about how damaging it is to our family relationships." Then just stop spending so much time with him. No spring break trips, no making the effort to visit him, nothing but the most minimal contact, unless he gets it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's totally unfair that you've essentially cut off the favored sibling but not your father. He is the toxic one in this situation. I'd be totally clear, in writing if he won't listen--"Your decision to blatantly play favorites is a problem. My kids are starting to notice. I don't care about the material things, but I do care about how damaging it is to our family relationships." Then just stop spending so much time with him. No spring break trips, no making the effort to visit him, nothing but the most minimal contact, unless he gets it together.

+1 Your father can only pit you against each other if you let him.

[Anonymous]

What does the favored sibling have to say? I don't think you can change your father, so no use talking to him or interacting with him.

Is this all about money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a crappy situation. If it were me (and I'm not saying this is right) I would tell him - Dad, the kids are starting to notice that you enjoy spending time with sister's kids more than them. It hurts them and it hurts me. So we will not be spending time with you. If he can recognize the inequity in the situation and takes steps to fix it, then you can reconsider.

+1. To let this relationship go you in a way need to grieve the idea of the relationship that you will never have with him and that should help you move on, but you will always feel a sense of loss. Just a heads up - Fathers Day will be hard for you.