Are kids better off with divorced parents if the parents simply can not agree on how to raise them?

[Anonymous]

I am in a funny situation. Did not check with DH about child rearing before marrying him. We knew we wanted kids.
I am from a more traditional family where kids were expected to listen to their parents. Very strict.
DH comes from a home where no one ever told a child that they had to do anything. Very relaxed.
Now we have tweens. One is driving me nuts. That child argues, fights, defies, opposes, until we are worn out. DH gives in early and often takes his side. I fight until DC listens, at that point, we are both worn out.
Everything ends in a fight. Try asking DC to brush his teeth, there will be a fight. Get off the computer? Fight.

Thinking of asking DH to leave with DC!

[Anonymous]

This is a great idea! Keep your favorite, send the other away. Good going, mom!

[Anonymous]

Um, no, kids are not better off if their parents divorce because one parent thinks that the kids are poorly behaved.

Frankly, if everything is a fight, that tells me that you need to change your approach. Yes, it's bad if your husband is openly undercutting your parenting, and that needs to change, but he might be more open to working on that if you admit that your approach isn't working, either.

[Anonymous]

Wait, you want your DH to leave and take your DC with him? If you are willing to let him raise your child how he sees fit out of your sight, why not just give in and let him call the shots in the same house as you?

Seriously I think your kid would be better off if you and your husband got some counseling and maybe attended a parenting class (check out the Parent Encouragement Program). The fighting between the two of you is probably more destructive than either of your parenting styles would be. You seem to realize this but are not willing to bend. Winning is not everything, especially if it leaves you divorced and without your child.

[Anonymous]

No, it isn't better. The child still has to deal with two parenting styles and with your fighting even if you get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a funny situation. Did not check with DH about child rearing before marrying him. We knew we wanted kids.
I am from a more traditional family where kids were expected to listen to their parents. Very strict.
DH comes from a home where no one ever told a child that they had to do anything. Very relaxed.
Now we have tweens. One is driving me nuts. That child argues, fights, defies, opposes, until we are worn out. DH gives in early and often takes his side. I fight until DC listens, at that point, we are both worn out.
Everything ends in a fight. Try asking DC to brush his teeth, there will be a fight. Get off the computer? Fight.

Thinking of asking DH to leave with DC!

I don't find either of your parenting styles impressive, frankly. You should neither give in and always take the kid's side nor should you fight every battle to the death.

Seriously, parenting classes. Forget about what sorts of families you are from. Talk about what sort of family you want to create, together, and where you can bend. Figure out the parenting style that works for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Get a parenting specialist to help.

[Anonymous]

I recommend you read "Children, The Challenge" together. It is a middle ground that makes good sense. Also you could try getting a CD from www.CelebrateCalm.com and watch that together. You're lucky to have a calm husband. Mine was a hothead and it doesn't get easier by divorcing, believe me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a funny situation. Did not check with DH about child rearing before marrying him. We knew we wanted kids.
I am from a more traditional family where kids were expected to listen to their parents. Very strict.
DH comes from a home where no one ever told a child that they had to do anything. Very relaxed.
Now we have tweens. One is driving me nuts. That child argues, fights, defies, opposes, until we are worn out. DH gives in early and often takes his side. I fight until DC listens, at that point, we are both worn out.
Everything ends in a fight. Try asking DC to brush his teeth, there will be a fight. Get off the computer? Fight.

Thinking of asking DH to leave with DC!

I think you both need to find a middle ground. You clearly need external help to do that. You getting divorced won't help, unless you plan to wash your hands of both of them - which creates another set of emotional problems for you kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a funny situation. Did not check with DH about child rearing before marrying him. We knew we wanted kids.
I am from a more traditional family where kids were expected to listen to their parents. Very strict.
DH comes from a home where no one ever told a child that they had to do anything. Very relaxed.
Now we have tweens. One is driving me nuts. That child argues, fights, defies, opposes, until we are worn out. DH gives in early and often takes his side. I fight until DC listens, at that point, we are both worn out.
Everything ends in a fight. Try asking DC to brush his teeth, there will be a fight. Get off the computer? Fight.

Thinking of asking DH to leave with DC!

I don't find either of your parenting styles impressive, frankly. You should neither give in and always take the kid's side nor should you fight every battle to the death.

Seriously, parenting classes. Forget about what sorts of families you are from. Talk about what sort of family you want to create, together, and where you can bend. Figure out the parenting style that works for your kid.

Totally agree with this advice. You guys really need help before you mess up the poor kid. It's not too late to change your approaches. And I don't think you should abandon a kid because he argues about tooth brushing. You need a much deeper understanding of child development and behavior.

[Anonymous]

Parenting classes ASAP