Dad and drinking and family dynamics

[Anonymous]

So I think my father has a drinking problem and I'm puzzled by our family dynamics and not sure what, if anything, I should do. He clearly drinks to excess frequently, and sometimes to the point that he can't keep his commitments the following day. It effects his health and our family. My family also has a culture of social drinking - beer with lunch, a toddy in the afternoon, wine with dinner, an after dinner drink - not all of these things every day when we're together, but more than one of them most days. Dad recently had a scare related to a bad interaction between excess drinking and some new medication, realized he needed to stop, and declared that he would no longer drink. Yet while we were all together over Easter, everyone drank in front of him, and my mom actually put alcohol in his easter basket "because she had already bought it." (I asked her about it later. she agrees he has a problem, but feels it's his problem to solve.) I'm disturbed and upset, but not sure if there's anything I should do. My parents aren't local. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your mom is in some very deep denial. I would focus on getting through to her.

Also consider that she may have an alcohol problem herself, but hide it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I think my father has a drinking problem and I'm puzzled by our family dynamics and not sure what, if anything, I should do. He clearly drinks to excess frequently, and sometimes to the point that he can't keep his commitments the following day. It effects his health and our family. My family also has a culture of social drinking - beer with lunch, a toddy in the afternoon, wine with dinner, an after dinner drink - not all of these things every day when we're together, but more than one of them most days. Dad recently had a scare related to a bad interaction between excess drinking and some new medication, realized he needed to stop, and declared that he would no longer drink. Yet while we were all together over Easter, everyone drank in front of him, and my mom actually put alcohol in his easter basket "because she had already bought it." (I asked her about it later. she agrees he has a problem, but feels it's his problem to solve.) I'm disturbed and upset, but not sure if there's anything I should do. My parents aren't local. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Because you state you are disturbed and upset I recommend Al Anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mom is in some very deep denial. I would focus on getting through to her.

Also consider that she may have an alcohol problem herself, but hide it better.

Good point as there are spouses that drink who don't have the problem to the extent their other half has but they don't want to give it up. She could be one of those.

[Anonymous]

This is a very typical pattern, OP, particularly the part about your mother putting booze in his easter basket because "she had already bought it." (sad and ridiculous). Alcoholism is part of a family system. The family functions with it and because of it, although it functions badly and it dysfunctions. Take away the drinking and the systems would disorganize itself. So your mother is fighting that, although she would deny it.

I also recommend Alanon. My husband has over 20 years of sobriety. I don't drink either and there is no alcohol in our home. Ever.

[Anonymous]

OP, another vote here for you to get to Al-Anon. If you are not familiar with it - it's not the same as AA, which is for alcoholics themselves; Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics and if you get to meetings you can learn how other adult children of alcoholics cope, and can get some ideas about what you might or might not want to do next. It is VERY telling that your mother sees drinking as your dad's "problem to solve" and nothing to do with her -- she is an enabler as well as being simply blind. All the more reason for you to go to Al-Anon where you will find others whose family stories will sounds a lot like your own.

You are right to be concerned here, and right that having everyone drinking around your dad over the holiday was an extremely poor choice at this point in time.

Even if you are, in the end, never able to get your dad and mom to recognize and admit to these issues, you, yourself, need to learn how to cope with them, which is why Al-Anon may be very useful. There are meetings all the time, all over the place -- look online.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you so much for all of your responses. I have thought about Al-Anon, but wasn't sure if I was over-reacting by thinking about going. My family is not the type to address these kinds of issues openly, and I could definitely use a broader perspective - and some more tools in my toolbox - to help me sort this all out and figure out a good role to play. I will look around for a meeting to attend.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not over-reacting by going to Al-Anon. What could it possibly harm by going to a meeting and seeing if it is helpful to you. You need and deserve some support as you go through this situation. If Al-Anon isn't for you, try a therapist with addiction experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very typical pattern, OP, particularly the part about your mother putting booze in his easter basket because "she had already bought it." (sad and ridiculous). Alcoholism is part of a family system. The family functions with it and because of it, although it functions badly and it dysfunctions. Take away the drinking and the systems would disorganize itself. So your mother is fighting that, although she would deny it.

I also recommend Alanon. My husband has over 20 years of sobriety. I don't drink either and there is no alcohol in our home. Ever.

+1. The drinking is there for a reason-- it may be helping your parents to cope with something. Take away the drinking, and family relationships will change. Difficult things may have to be confronted. It's understandable that your mother would struggle with this change.