phone calls with Dad
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Anonymous
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Dad never calls me. Since I'd like to maintain a relationship, I call him usually once a week. I should also note that if more than a week or so passes where I don't call him, then the next time I talk to him he'll ask me why I didn't call the previous week, so I do think he wants me to call. However, this is often unclear from our conversations. When I call him, he talks about himself for about 10 minutes or so (he's retired and his entire monologue is just about what chores he is doing around the house, what errands he has to run, what he and my mom had for dinner, what tv show/movie they watched) Once he has run through all of this, he just will say something like 'well, that's about it' or 'I'm through.' And then either there will be a long awkward pause, he'll say he has to go do xyz or else I will just start telling him about myself/my family unprompted (he never asks me any questions about myself or my family) but whenever I do this, as I'm talking I just feel like what's the point of this if he doesn't even care about me/my life enough to make any effort to ask me any questions/seem the least bit interested in me. I usually get off the phone w/ him feeling annoyed.
I have tried to express the way I feel to him about this many times. I have said I'd like for him to call me sometimes but he just says that he never knows when a good time for me would be (I work-part-time- and also have a young infant who naps/eats often so this is somewhat legitimate) so it's better for me to call him. My dad is extremely sensitive and he's been really defensive whenever I've brought up anything about him not asking me questions during our "conversations"...he seems really offended by this for some reason...I guess he just is offended at the implication that by not asking me questions, he's showing he doesn't really care much about my life. Why he won't just change his behavior rather than getting defensive, I don't know. I know I should probably just get over it but I do love him and want to talk to him, I especially want to maintain a relationship w/ him for the sake of my son, who is also my dad's only grandchild. I guess I just wanted to vent, mostly. But if anyone here has any suggestions for how I could improve this situation, that'd be great too. |
Anonymous
| Do you talk to your mom? I assume your parents are still married? |
Anonymous
Yeah, they're still married. I talk to my mom but not at the same time as my dad. My mom is still working so I talk to her on the weekends and talk to my dad, who is retired, usually on weekdays. |
Anonymous
| What are your conversations like when you are in person? Is it just the phone that is throwing him off. Maybe you could try Skype as well (he might be able to read your body language better and you could have better conversations)? It's going to be hard for your dad to change his communication style after all of these years though. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, just adjust your expectations. He's not going to change. Maybe he's just really bad at talking on the phone. Call him, ask how he is, volunteer one or two pieces of your most interesting news, say goodbye. He likes to talk to you, and it's ten minutes out of your week to make him happy. |
Anonymous
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This sounds like a classic form of old man behavior--expecting the younger generation to call, not participating equally in conversation.
Out of curiosity, how's your dad's hearing? That might be affecting his willingness to listen. |
Anonymous
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"Hey Dad, if you call any weeknight after 8:30 I'd love to talk to you then!"
"Blah blah blah did laundry, ate a sandwich, well I guess that's about it." "Now you ask me about MY life, Dad!" said with a smile. |
Anonymous
+1 Keep calling. He enjoys hearing from you but is not a talker. My dad is just like this and I have accepted it. |
Anonymous
Yeah, in person is not that much better, really. And Skype is the worst because he just sits there and hangs his head so he's not even looking into the camera. He says he doesn't like Skype (except he does like to see the baby on the video so sometimes I just let him watch the baby and there's no talking, which is kind of weird but OK) He has said in the past that he feels like asking me any questions about myself would be intrusive so he just lets me bring things up on my own. You're right that he's not going to change. I just find this very frustrating but oh well, it is what it is! |
Anonymous
You're right that I do just need to adjust my expectations and get over it. I know he won't change! And I will keep calling and try not to worry about it. thanks! |
Anonymous
Yeah, I guess I was just looking for someone to commiserate with about this since it bothers me, so it's good to hear it is common behavior 
I am pretty sure his hearing is fine but maybe I'm wrong so that's a good point you raise. |
Anonymous
You are right and I need to just accept it too. I will keep calling! |
Anonymous
"Blah blah blah did laundry, ate a sandwich, well I guess that's about it." "Now you ask me about MY life, Dad!" said with a smile.--I definitely have done/will prob continue to do a variation of this, although it's a little trickier over the phone. "Hey Dad, if you call any weeknight after 8:30 I'd love to talk to you then!" --This one is a good idea too but won't work for him because he has a very strict routine that is not to be disrupted by a phone call: ) and he is always watching a movie or a tv show at that time of night. |
Anonymous
If I didn't know better, I'd say we had the same dad. Does yours give you a weather report? 
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Anonymous
| Doesn't sound like you're asking questions either. Let him deliver his monologue and then deliver yours. The important thing is to maintain the connection. |