My mom...hoarding edition

[Anonymous]

I'm spending 3 weeks with my parents while on maternity leave. My mom is a mid grade hoarder. What I mean is that she goes shopping at places like Marshalls, sees things on sale that she might need, and buys them. So under her sink are ten jumbo bottles of hand soap, a luggage scale, 7 pairs of gloves, and 4 candlesticks. Just an example. I'm trying to help her get rid of stuff and having the worst time. Today we got in a screaming match over a chip clip and a sunglasses case she found in the donate bag. I spend the day combing through bags of stuff and dividing it into what can be returned and what can be donated. I separated it all now she's like "I have to go through each bag and double check." She's going to root out all the stuff I decluttered and fill up her cabinets and closets again. I know she is unhappy with how the clutter is taking over her life, and her excuse is that she doesn't have time. But the reality is she cannot stand to give stuff away or return it or throw it away. She thinks she just needs to "get organized" with the result that half the clutter is storage baskets and bins and filing systems. Who has some advice on how to approach this before we kill each other?

[Anonymous]

Call a counselor?

[Anonymous]

You can't turn this around in three weeks. Figure out a way you can stay sane without fighting with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Firstly, you are supposed to be relaxing and bonding with your baby and healing from the gaping vagina procedure. So do that.

Secondly, your mother is a hoarder. You can not clean out her shit. That is simply not the solution here. She has mental issues surrounding why she buys, why she keeps. She needs professional help with that.

Go gaze at your newborn. Stop cleaning out the cabinets.

[Anonymous]

Your mother has control issues and so do you. It's not your place to remove any of her things. You are being disrespectful, not helpful. You are not throwing away bottles of urine or bags of feces but rather new items you decided she doesn't need. While this may be true it does not appear to be at a level requiring your intervention. If you really want to free up space go back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother has control issues and so do you. It's not your place to remove any of her things. You are being disrespectful, not helpful. You are not throwing away bottles of urine or bags of feces but rather new items you decided she doesn't need. While this may be true it does not appear to be at a level requiring your intervention. If you really want to free up space go back home.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

I tried to help my mom clean out a closet once and I will NEVER make that mistake again. I read in her AARP magazine that older people tend to hold on to things and it may not actually be hoarding. It all drives me crazy though and in her case I think there are some hoarding tendencies, as in being extremely emotionally attached to a lot of things. Every closet in the house stuffed with clothes she will never wear again, continuous shopping, wasted, WASTED money, and a basement that is basically one big storage room. I hate it but trying to help her has not helped.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. That was harsher than I meant to be. I just could not imagine someone coming into my home to sort my belongings and deciding what I get to keep. I thought as a new mother you were there to have them help you not to burden yourself at this time with objects that can be taken care of later. Again, I apologize.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in this situation myself and the only advice I can give you is that there is nothing you can do. Intervening and attempting to get your mother to "see reason" is a pointless exercise in frustration.

I have to proctor my mother in my own home because she sadly will take things from our basement storage and even trash to add to her hoard upon claiming that she needs them.

OP, accepting that there is nothing you can do is the best thing you can do for yourself. Especially having just had a baby. Your responsibility here is to yourself and your infant.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding is a mental disorder. If you clean out your mom's house,she'll just fill it up again. She needs a therapist and medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to help my mom clean out a closet once and I will NEVER make that mistake again. I read in her AARP magazine that older people tend to hold on to things and it may not actually be hoarding. It all drives me crazy though and in her case I think there are some hoarding tendencies, as in being extremely emotionally attached to a lot of things. Every closet in the house stuffed with clothes she will never wear again, continuous shopping, wasted, WASTED money, and a basement that is basically one big storage room. I hate it but trying to help her has not helped.

This is OP. Yes, THIS exactly is my mom. I don't know if it's a hoarding problem or a shopping problem. It is mostly nice stuff or housewares and also some "trash" items, mostly bags (empty shopping bags and grocery bags). When she was visiting my home she used to take clean bags out of my trash can. Everything is clean and dusted and vacuumed in her house. Her basement though is still full of boxes from when she moved 20 years ago and didn't unpack certain items, and as such it is unuseable space and prone to mice and termites (they recently had issues with both).

I really want to help bc it's unlikely that I will ever be at her home for this long in the foreseeable future. Normally a trip home is just a long weekend for a holiday. If I don't help her no one will and I hate seeing her living like this. I have also noticed these tendencies in myself. I have a hard time throwing away bags and boxes etc so I can relate to her issue. We both hate the idea of contributing to landfill waste, and we hate getting rid of stuff that we have spent money on, even if the item has never been used. I also have a tendency to "stock up" on a bargain in case I need an item and I think it is a good deal. I once bought like 15 body washes from Nordstrom Rack. They took up all my bathroom space and I realized what I was doing and returned them. Of the many items I have found unused with tags (gloves, candles, coasters etc) she says they are "in case I need to give a gift to someone".

[Anonymous]

It's not a shopping problem, it's a hoarding problem.

Hoarding disorder is a persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them. A person with hoarding disorder experiences distress at the thought of getting rid of the items. Excessive accumulation of items, regardless of actual value, occurs.

[Anonymous]

OP--here is the transcript from a live chat the Wash Post did a few years ago. It's a starting point for you to learn ways you can support your mom with this illness.

http://live.washingtonpost.com/how-to-identify-hoarders-and-get-them-the-help-they-need.html

[Anonymous]

OP, see a counselor yourself.

I did recently due to a hoarding crisis in my extended family. It helped a lot. We went through a week long clean up with a company, and the house is essentially condemned. Very bad situation, and we couldn't have done it without help.

Check out the book "Stuff: the hidden meaning of things" (I think I have the tag line right--but it is relatively recent. Check out the Children of Hoarders website too.

Hoardinfg is hard to treat unless the sufferer agrees to it. You will probably be dealing with this to a degree for the rest of your mom's life--getting help setting expectations and boundaries is a good idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a shopping problem, it's a hoarding problem.

Hoarding disorder is a persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them. A person with hoarding disorder experiences distress at the thought of getting rid of the items. Excessive accumulation of items, regardless of actual value, occurs.

Yes. Also, OP confronting hoarders doesn't help and can make the habit more ingrained. Consider yourself lucky. I grew up with a hoarder. I have no memory of an uncluttered house. Anyone coming to the door gave me panic attacks. And I haven't been to my parents home in over 20 years. My kids have never seen where they live b/c of the clutter.

So butt out with your mom's collection of shampoos.