Feeling depressed about ADHD 8 year old

[Anonymous]

My DD has never been officially diagnosed, but has ADHD. Her sibling has it, and I'm very familiar with the symptoms and diagnostic criteria, which is why I'm pretty confident about it. We've never bothered paying for the assessment because I don't think it will add anything to what I already know about her and she hasn't needed accommodations. We just got her test results for the highly gifted center and they are pretty far below what I expected, given what her academic career to date and her MSA test results would suggest. I actually didn't want her to go to the hgc, but she was rather excited about the possibility as she's been pretty bored at the neighborhood school. Now I feel guilty for not getting her diagnosed and maybe getting her accommodations or medications. Plus, she quit the soccer team this year because she found it too boring to wait for the ball to come to her position, and her father is insisting we stop piano lessons because she doesn't practice regularly. I personally don't care of she does any of these things, but now I'm questioning whether it's that she doesn't WANT to do them, or that the ADHD is making it so difficult that she gives up on them. Is the only way to tease it out to put her on meds and see what happens?
Add to all of this that her sibling with ADHD occupies an inordinate amount of my mental and physical energy, and I just feel kind of awash when it comes to her.

[Anonymous]

Well, just to put it into perspective, the vast majority of 8 year olds wouldn't practice piano without being told to. At that age, you need to sit with the kid while they practice and make it a non-negotiable in the nicest possible way (i.e. "when do you want to do your practice - before or after dinner?"). And a lot of 8 year olds don't quite get what they need to do in soccer, or would rather play video games. So I would rule those two things out as being perfectly normal.

[Anonymous]

I am with you...we just got a report card that dinged my child for attentiveness. I have an older ADHD kid as well who has been able to overcome without meds or accommodations so I am not sure if I should be pushing harder for those for this kid. Just commiserating...

[Anonymous]

OP, my DS8 is being assessed for ADHD now.

He wouldn't know what to do if the soccer ball *did* come to him-- and is currently improvising his two piano pieces for an end of March recital. Apparently, reading the music and playing it as written is "boring." In the past, he has tested as EG (we'll see what this new round of tests comes back as).

Like the PP said, I'm not sure if the things you describe are ADHD or gifted/bored or maybe both-- they get bored because they're easily distracted and because their intellect is ahead making it even easier to get bored and distracted.

I'm commiserating- we knew for awhile that ADHD was a distinct possibility and put off testing because it felt overwhelming. Now, I'm glad we're going through the testing- I need some more patience and better strategies.

As for meds...I would do the testing then make the decision based on the results. I don't think a doctor is just going to say "it's ADHD, here are some meds." I expect a more complete strengths and weaknesses profile- and will work with strengths until/unless it's clear that meds are needed for functioning and growth.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes. most 8 year olds will prefer not to practice, but children with ADHD will have a particularly difficult time with it. It was explained to me that since they create less dopamine, their "reward" mechanism is subdued, making them less likely to be self-motivated. You can take this information in a number of directions.

- You can give up and hope that the tunnel-vision hyper-focus that is also part of ADHD will kick in when something important is on the line; been there, done that -- problem with ADHD is that you can't control attention and focus. It's the very definiton of ADHD!

- You can hover and helicoter, bribing and cajoling them into doing the right thing; Been there, done that -- it's frustrating Sisyphus work. If you are in a supportive school, teachers will be all over this mode, but it will soon turn to frustration as the child becomes even MORE dependent on them, to the point where they feel manipulated. It's an extremely unpleasant position to be in.

- You can find some rewarding activities your child will be able to excel at, something with built-in rewards for real work. We picked swimming, but I've heard ballet, skating, soccer, running, gymnastics. Piano or Mindcraft programming? Not as a primary activity. Get the energy out while learning to work hard for tangible improvements that provide positive feedback. They may have an easier time settling in for piano after getting their "wiggles" out. This is where we're at. It gives me a way to relate school effort to coachable moments. Find the coach that is NOT BORING, establish friendships with other children in the sport, make that as positive as you know how -- playdates, movies with the team, the works.

When things get hard, we're back to cajoling and bribing. Until she gets to the next step, when it goes smoothly again. But in the process, we hope she is learning about the feeling of success that she controls.

We did do the testing, because without real difficulties in school, there was nothing to go by. Our main reasons to test were emotional melt-downs, and the realization that she never retained anything of what was new at school. She was just coasting from knowledge she had acquired earlier on, and during the summer, through 1:1 sessions with us. Since she's relatively well behaved, and did ok on all subjects, nobody noticed at school. But once we tested, we still had to find a doctor to prescribe medication, and she had her own different procedures for confirming a diagnostic. So looking back, I'm not sure the test was really all that worth it. We had to repeat some of the testing (IQ and achievement parts) *after* she was on medication, because she did not have the patience to properly attend to the test before. The results were very different in our case, but the tests themselves were different as well.

My take is -- run the tests if you feel your child needs accommodations. If you are interested in medication, work with the procedures your doctor recommends, but certainly I would put that in place after the school accommodations. Forego the "extensive" testing for now, and only do that after medication has been established -- especially if the AAP program is something you're interested in. And definitely find some physical activity your child *really* enjoys, with a great coach that communicates well with you and your child. Build positive experiences wherever you are able!

[Anonymous]

OP, when we were 8 we did not do all of the things we expect of our children today. DH was city-wide accomplished musician and didn't start an instrument until 4th grade. I danced because I loved it, but it was only a one weekend day commitment. School sport teams didn't start until 4th grade and all other rec. sports were summer only. In high school, we did it all and created the resume.

Give your daughter a chance to focus on getting a foundation in school, build friendships, have time to sleep and daydream. When her brain begins to mature in late elementary, let her choose an outside activity that interests her. Nothing she does at age 8 will add to her future "resume" unless she is a prodigy - but too much pressure now can do harm. And putting her on meds so she can do piano and soccer at age 8 is probably not necessary. If she needed them to do school work, that would be different story.

My 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

You can use motivators to help face tasks that are not inherently motivating, like piano practice. Let her earn rewards. I would do this before using medication.