One and Done - Family doesn't get it
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Anonymous
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We chose to be one and done for a few reasons, but my mother in particular seems to have a difficult time with this decision. Whenever it is brought up (we never do, my brother is expecting his second this year so it happened to come up) she says things like "you can't do that to DD", "it's not fair to her", "she'll be a spoiled rotten brat", etc. I ignore it at this point, but as DD is getting older (she's 3), she's hearing what my mom is saying and I don't want it to effect her.
Course my SIL (brother's wife) is also an only and the sweetest kindest person, I'm curious what she thinks about my mothers comments... Any ideas of what I can say to stop the snide comments? |
Anonymous
| Say goodbye. Seriously. Just get up and walk out. You'll only have to do it once. |
Anonymous
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As soon as she brings it up, just shut it down. "Mom, we did not ask for your opinion and will not discuss this topic."
If she insists on raising it again at the same event I would pack up and leave. For a while I attempted to shut this down by deflecting with a snide comment "When H gets another wife." or "When you offer to pay for everything associated with the child." It got old, so I got more direct and rude about it. People stopped asking. |
Anonymous
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I would be very direct with your mother, and say that you have both decided you are not planning on more children and that she is being very disrespectful to you and DH by harping on it constantly. Also that you do not want DD hearing her and feeling insecure about it.
Be very firm. Then stop engaging. |
Anonymous
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This is not your mother's decision. While she may be disappointed, she needs to rein in those feelings and not impose them on anyone else, especially your daughter.
I tend to be very direct so I would just set some boundaries with her and call her attention to it every time she steps over them. I would be polite but firm and I would not engage with her on this topic at all. Perhaps you could enlist your husband, SIL and brother to help you do this. |
Anonymous
| My only is now 8, so we've lived through it. With someone close to you, like your mom, I think you can say, in a quiet time "Mom, you've said a number of times that you are distressed by my having only one child. It is very hurtful to me to have you make comments. I want to talk this through with you, and help you understand, but then we aren't ever going to talk about it again, and you aren't ever going to make hurtful comments about it. Okay?" Then talk about it for an hour. Next time she says something after that you say "mom, remember?" The second time you walk out. |
Anonymous
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OP Here - thanks for the suggestions! She and my father without question stretched (overly so) to have 3. I know first hand what we couldn't do/have because we didn't have enough money. But my grandparents, my wonderful sweet grandparents were there to make up the difference, paying for vacations, new clothes, summer pool passes, college, etc. Obviously my parents are in no where near the position to do that for us (nor would I want them to frankly). They are counting on my grandfather's inheritance for their retirement.
I plan on having a sit down discussion with her about this, unfortunately since they are out of state we only see them for holiday/event type things, and I'd hate to "ruin" it by bringing this up, so perhaps it'll have to be a phone call. |
Anonymous
They're counting on an inheritance for their retirement? Geez. But finances aren't the only reason you want just one child, right? |
Anonymous
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My MIL used to say this to me - I would just smile and say "we stopped at one because we had a perfect child and don't need to try again"
She kept pushing and pushing - (with the "she will be spoiled) "I hope so!" and walk away. Just use little catch phrases...if you make it a "thing" - they will keep making it a thing. |
Anonymous
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People will be unhappy no matter what you chose (on any choice too!). If you have 1, 2, 3, or more, there will always be someone there to criticize your decision. They will move on and then criticize your choices as a parent. Seriously, OP, everyone's a critic. Just ignore them.
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Anonymous
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OP again - We're actually very financially stable, which I think is part of the issue. We're responsible with money, almost have my student loan debt gone, have a decent chunk in retirement, DD has a 529 with a few grand, and a 6 month emergency fund. I'm sure if someone else saw our numbers they would say we could have a litter of kids, however for each additional kid we have we then need to take things off the list for the family. Can no longer pay for their college, go on vacation, pay for wedding, etc.
Finances are not the only deciding factor, neither DH nor I feel another pull to have anymore. We're VERY happy with our little family of 3. |
Anonymous
You could tell her there are plenty of assholes who have siblings - having more is no guarantee they will reap all the supposed benefits
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Anonymous
+1 Not just disrespectful but hurtful. Tell her that you have made your decision, she has made her opinion perfectly clear, and now she needs to STOP. |
Anonymous
PS--good for you, OP! Nice to hear you're hsppy with your decision. Us, too. 
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Anonymous
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There are plenty of only children that aren't spoiled, selfish assholes. The parents can control this how they raise their kid. On the other hand, I know lots of people who have less than stellar relationships with their siblings. Just having a second kid does not guarantee that they will be great friends in adulthood.
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