Do you have anything in common with your family? Help with nephew who needs help.

[Anonymous]

I feel close to cousins, but not so much to nephew and siblings. We don't have much in common anymore, sadly. Nephew is older, and I want to embrace him, but he has a drinking problem, and I don't know how to handle it with him visiting around my children. His parents are gone. He has an okay job, no car, and he is looking for a new apartment. I think he needs money, but if I ask him, and he does, it might not be the end of it. Any ideas? He disappears (stays out of touch) more often than not. I want to support and be there for him.

[Anonymous]

I would take him out to breakfast on days when my kids were not around.

The alcoholism is a huge red light to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take him out to breakfast on days when my kids were not around.

The alcoholism is a huge red light to me.

OP here. I would love to. He is long distance, as is the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

The fact that his parents are gone might mean that he's very lonely and thus the drinking. Since he is long distance, maybe you could start by establishing more frequent contact with him. Maybe start calling him weekly or biweekly just to check in; then maybe he will feel more comfortable staying in touch with you.

Once you have a more comfortable relationship going, then you could find out if there are ways to provide job or relationship guidance or even a little financial help or small furnishings for his apartment, etc. (without him becoming a financial burden and yes this is tricky). You are right to care. Some people feel alone and just need someone to care and motivate them a little.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for the response! I fell lost, and I more importantly, he does, too. He obviously needs someone to care for him. He is able to do holidays with some local family close to him, thankfully. But they are not in the position to look after him.

He has asked me for money for rent before, and I have refused, because I think his choices are terrible. He has not had any guidance or inclination to figure out money himself, and his priorities are terrible. For example, in college, he was living in a pristine address, while he could not afford his tuition.

He does have a job, but rent has always been a challenge to him. Right now, he lives within walking distance to work, and the absence of a car payment or expense works for him, so we need to keep that situation. I need to help him without enabling him, given the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for the response! I fell lost, and I more importantly, he does, too. He obviously needs someone to care for him. He is able to do holidays with some local family close to him, thankfully. But they are not in the position to look after him.

He has asked me for money for rent before, and I have refused, because I think his choices are terrible. He has not had any guidance or inclination to figure out money himself, and his priorities are terrible. For example, in college, he was living in a pristine address, while he could not afford his tuition.

He does have a job, but rent has always been a challenge to him. Right now, he lives within walking distance to work, and the absence of a car payment or expense works for him, so we need to keep that situation. I need to help him without enabling him, given the circumstances.

10:43 here. You are on the right track about helping vs. enabling. You realize his shortcomings.

Maybe if you help from a perspective of focusing on guidance/mentoring vs. mostly providing financial support, that will help you find your way. Sure, people like your nephew could use the financial help, but in all likelihood, he probably really needs a relative who will be there for him long term.

His knowing that you are someone that he can depend on for emotional support and motivation (and occasional financial help if necessary) might be the most fruitful way to aid him.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound well intentioned. Is there a way to help financially without giving him money? Meaning, send a check to the landlord, buy a gift card to his local grocery store?