Divorce Proceedings questions
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Anonymous
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First, my husband - with two small children - are getting a divorce... we've done what we can to try and work things out and for multiple reasons this is what the results are...
Question 1 - have any of you used a mediator? Waste of money? Good results? I am hopeful we'll be amiacable and open to trying it... if that's our attitude, do we have a chance using one? Question 2 - Do any of you stay in the house with the kids while the father/other parent comes over to care for kids (all but sleep) in the house? Is that unreaslistic to hope for? Question 3 - If you don't care if your soon to be x is having an affair - maybe he'll truly be happier, maybe he's in denial b/c he can't be happy anyway - do you hire a private investigator to find out? Is there any value in me knowing? i really don't care, i truly wish he'd just be honest and tell me.. but i know that won't happen.. any other advice for kids etc is appreciated.. and i really appreciate the sensitivity everyone will have in responses as hopefully you can understand how hard this situation is... thank you for your feedback |
Anonymous
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OP, this is a rough road, but you can all be OK.
1.) When my son's dad and I went through this ten years ago, we used a mediator. It was a good idea. Generally speaking, the more you can agree to outside of a courtroom, the better. If it goes before a judge, you may both wind up with something you are unhappy with. The nice thing about using a mediator is that it forces both of you to do this will your hands above the table. A mediator is a neutral third party. Bonus in our case: we both found the guy irritating and it gave us some common ground. 2.) Nope, we didn't do that. One of the issues that lead to our split had to do with boundaries, or lack of them. While we recognized that we were each good parents, this isn't something we were able to get comfortable with. I wanted out more than I wanted to stay in the house, so I moved. We have 50/50 custody. I busted my butt to find a place in the same neighborhood that I could afford. 3.)If you don't care, no. It's a waste of money and energy. And it has just about zero bearing on any custody or support decisions. Distance and time will help you with this one. Hopefully this thread will stay constructive. If it doesn't, come repost it in Special Concerns. The saddest singular moment in my divorce journey was standing in the Barns & Noble looking at books with titles like "It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear." And then buying them. I hear the Sandcastles books are good. We loved Two Homes by Clair Masurel. It's a great book for preschoolers, and conveys the love a kid has in two houses in a simple way without being melancholy. |
Anonymous
| PP here. Another book I found helpful was Crazy Time. It's dated, but I found it useful and comforting. |
Anonymous
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[Crazy Time has been updated in the latest edition. I enjoyed it but none of the many scenarios seemed anything like mine.]
1. It was my understanding that the mediator route requires that all professionals be in the same place, so: lawyers, financial planners, parenting coordinator. Am I wrong about that? The logistics of that seemed daunting which is why we didn't do it. Much of the agreement depends on wording, not so much the broad terms, so letting each lawyer have a lengthy crack at the document seems good. My lawyer wanted the financial analyst to run scenarios for alimony, which seems like it would be difficult on the fly. 2. I tried that but we got in terrible fights just by being in the same place while I was helping the kid with his homework. You would both have to be pretty level-headed and unemotional for that to work. 3. It makes no difference. My ex started dating the minute he moved out. |
Anonymous
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you all are awesome with your experiences and none rude replies.. i am inspired by how many people go through this ..
thank you all very much.. and you both answered #2.. .we are absolutely NOT reasonable and have territory issues so I guess there goes that! Sounds like even if we try the mediator, we need to have a fincial analysis done to figure out how and where we live and get that stuff split up and in place.. thank you all very much! |
Anonymous
First PP here. This wasn't my experience, but we were in Maryland. We just had to bring the info to the table. In our case we had attorneys look over drafts of what we came up with in mediation, and Maryland has an online support calculator. The calculator's nice because it takes the emotion out of it. |
Anonymous
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Couild some share the link to the calculator? I assume that is to help with alimony/child support items? how to split finances etc?
Did you all sell your primary house and both move to different places? I am trying to see how realistic/whether it's a waste of our money to try and have the kids stay in the houes and be near friends etc.. though i know it will be OK whereever we go.. just wondering how high people ranked that ... |
Anonymous
Anonymous
| First PP again. XH kept the house and eventually bought me out when he refied. I moved into an apartment nearby. We didn't have a ton of money to begin with, and wanted to keep things as stable as possible for our child. |
Anonymous
My situation is not much further along but here's what we're doing: my husband moved out and I supervised a major renovation for a better sale price. That's done but I'm staying in the house until we sell because I want to buy a place with the proceeds from the sale rather than rent. I want to buy in same neighborhood my ex is renting in, near my son's school. There aren't any neighborhood friends where we currently live so didn't have that issue. |
Anonymous
| I kept my house because I wanted to provide stability for the kids. Ex-husband eventually moved far away and stopped seeing them. Here's the thing about staying in the house: a part of you stays in that marriage. In our case, it was the house we bought to raise the kids. It was the first house either of us had owned. It held our dreams and, eventually, was the house where we spent some very difficult moments. I wish now I had sold it soon after the split. |