grandparent (in-law) etiquette question

[Anonymous]

I get along well with my in-laws, who live locally. Probably once a month, husband will do something one-on-one with his dad in the evening (dinner and drinks, ballgame, that kind of thing). I am happy that he does this and glad to stay home with our kids (who go to bed around 8pm). My etiquette question involves my mother-in-law. She usually wants to come over on these evenings when my husband and his dad have their "guy time". I like her and am fine to have her over and get that she wants to see the kids. BUT the guys nights typically start around 6pm. So that means about 2 hours of time with the grandkids, and then... she and I are just hanging out.... I am fine sucking it up and making idle chit chat (we like each other, like I said), but there are a ton of things I'd rather be doing on those rare evenings at home by myself.

Is it rude to turn her down when she wants to come over when her husband goes out with my husband? Usually the requests come through my husband, and she and I don't communicate directly about these plans. Husband understands, but feels awkward telling her no. Help!

[Anonymous]

I would have no problem turning her down every once in awhile and I have the same relationship with my MIL that you have with yours. Sometimes I just want an evening to myself and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to tell her you are sorry, but you have other plans. Nothing rude about that, and it's not a lie. Husband has to get over the awkward if he's willing to be the messenger.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing she won't go home at 8? She drives over with FIL, so is hanging out with you until they get home?

What if they stay out late, or you want to put on PJs and go to bed?

I would try to get your husband to talk through that scenario with your mom - Larla loves having you there when the kids are awake, but what she really likes to do is curl up with a book or watch TV in bed - would you want to bring over your own book? How should we work this so Larla gets a free night, too?

If he won't do it, or doesn't have that kind of relationship with his mom, I think you have to suck it up about half the time and have him say no the other half - that you have plans. Are you a SAHM, or do you have outside work? If you have outside work, it's always a good excuse to say you have to catch up on work after the kids go to bed.

OR, wait, outside the box thinking - could you use those nights to go out yourself? Put kids to bed, then go see a movie or something?

[Anonymous]

It's not rude to decline sometimes. Say you have other plans (not a lie--the plans could be to sit on the couch and read that new mystery you've been looking forward to), or a bunch of chores you'd like to catch up on. Say yes sometimes, but you don't have to say yes every time.

[Anonymous]

"You know Mom, Jane actually uses those evenings when I'm out to catch up on stuff like chatting with her mother/bestfriend/family. Once the kids are in bed it's a treat for her to actually have a quiet house to herself for a couple of hours. "

But the idea of asking her to babysit so you can get out of the house for a couple of hours is a great one also!

[Anonymous]

OP here again... thank you! Especially to the "outside the box thinker" -- why didn't I think of asking her to stay home while the kids are in bed so I can go out and do something! Awesome suggestion. Lots of strategies -- and I know, in the scheme of things, it's a good/small problem to have.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others, suck it up sometimes and say no sometimes. DH can say you need to scour the bathrooms or planned to do a workout video or something else along those lines. Maybe occassionally see if she'll stay with the kids after bedtime while you meet a girlfriend for a couple hours! My ILs live out of town and I face a similar issue when DS is napping. MIL wants to sit and chat but I need to fold laundry, clean, maybe take a nap myself!

[Anonymous]

My Wife bowls once a week, I love having that night to myself. I would say no but see if she wants to come on a different evening instead.

[Anonymous]

Ask to go to dinner with her another night and DH can stay with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You know Mom, Jane actually uses those evenings when I'm out to catch up on stuff like chatting with her mother/bestfriend/family. Once the kids are in bed it's a treat for her to actually have a quiet house to herself for a couple of hours. "

But the idea of asking her to babysit so you can get out of the house for a couple of hours is a great one also!

Good language for DH to use here.