S/o advice for kind words

[Anonymous]

For someone who does not have experience with kids with SN, but often encounters them in classes, play groups, and school--what is your advice on the best types of kind words to offer? So often, i see a parent struggling with a kid and I want to offer some encouragement and empathy, but I say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing. What helps you? What to avoid?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything that you wouldn't say to a parent of an NT kid. A friendly smile is always appreciated. (Thank you for thinking of us b/c we need someone rooting in our corner.)

[Anonymous]

Nothing.

[Anonymous]

I think you are coming from a place of good will and kindness but parents of SN kids do not need "sympathy" or "encouragement" We are not dealing with a tragedy. Nor are we at risk of losing heart over some minor kerfuffle. I am not going to fall apart because my kid doesn't want to eat his Cheetos any more than a mom of a non special needs kid would fall apart in the same situation.

If you want to be helpful, just plain helpful, than say so. Ask if you can help in any way. Ask "Can I get the door for you?"

[Anonymous]

I agree--be helpful in a natural unobtrusive way. Hold a door open, offer to hold a package while a mother gathers up kids. I've had older women smile kindly and say something like "I've been there with that age." These are all things you'd do for a mother with an NT kids who is having a difficult moment.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the kids and the parents the same way you'd talk to any of your typical peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree--be helpful in a natural unobtrusive way. Hold a door open, offer to hold a package while a mother gathers up kids. I've had older women smile kindly and say something like "I've been there with that age." These are all things you'd do for a mother with an NT kids who is having a difficult moment.

Agree with this and a lot of the other advice given. We've all seen parents struggle with their kids, and we've all struggled with our kids, whether NT or SN. Bonding over that common experience is great; the thing to be avoided is to make the other parent feel that their child must only be a source of negative emotions.

Which leads me to the thought that it's important to remember that parents of SN kids are just as proud of them, and often more so, than parents of other kids. Most everyone likes to be complimented about their children, even if they modestly shrug it off. But if you can find an occasion to compliment them for something their child does that they should be proud of, that's great as it is for everyone.

[Anonymous]

A friendly smile really does help me feel more comfortable in those situations when my child is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks all, this is helpful. I often want to say something along the lines of "I've been there" because every kid, NT or not, has rough days, but I also don't want to negate the special challenge that others face. A friendly smile, subtle helpful hand and compliment if possible are all great suggestions.

[Anonymous]

A few more thoughts:

Make it possible for your kids (if you have them) to approach special needs kids. Don't yank them away if they wander over, even if they stare. Let an interaction begin, even if it begins awkwardly. Don't be one of those moms who pulls her child away out of excessive fear of rudeness. It feels very isolating. We can handle a toddler or young child asking "Why does he do that?" or "Why is she using that chair/chew thing/other" Don't be embarrassed if your child asks natural questions. Make it possible for your kids to be introduced. Don't yank your kids away like they've done something shameful, because they haven't. When you do that, you are teaching them that approaching SN kids is wrong.

Being invisible hurts just as much as being bullied.