S/o worst thing about divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult child of a very, very well handled divorce here. Parents did joint custody, my brother and I grew up in two loving homes. I think divorce was the best choice for everyone involved - my parents are both happy, and have been for 30 years, and that's wonderful. Everyone got along, sat next to each other at school events, etc. I never felt like I was put in the middle, parents never said anything bad about each other, the stepparents who entered the picture were/are wonderful (and extra loving grandparents for my kids! Lucky!)

I wanted to weigh in on something I've seen mentioned here though, that I think is real - and that's the half time with the grandchildren.

I'm sure things were very, very difficult for my parents during the divorce and the immediate aftermath, though I was very little and have no memory of that. But certainly, by the time my memory kicks in, they were in a good groove, and had adjusted. And I feel like for my childhood and early adulthood, things were fairly easy for them, divorce wise. Again, we're talking best case scenario here, but they were happy, we had a good groove, we did the custody swap thing without any major issues, etc. They had worked out a fair division of holidays. Everything was pretty cool.

However - I think there was a newfound struggle that popped up as my brother and I established careers, got married, and especially, had children. We only have so many vacation days. There are only so many holidays. We only have so much budget for travel - but there are three sets of grandparents (now that we're both married). The bottom line is - my parents don't get nearly as much time with us as they would like, and not nearly as many holidays. I live far away. My in-laws live in yet another area of the country. There's just a major limit to how much time we can spend with each of my parents. And I think that can be really, really hard on them, especially my mom. My dad was never close with his parents, so when my mom and dad were married, they spent nearly every holiday with my mother's parents, and I think it's really hard for my mom to see herself get a third of the time with her adult children that her parents got. I think she can often feel rejected, or even like we're not close, or on particularly bad days, that we don't love her. When the reality is - we get 15 vacation days a year, live six states away, and the math just doesn't work out. We have even started doing some holidays with her and dad together, and I think that helps. But 30 years out from a healthy divorce - that's the part that still sucks. It's also the first time in my life that I've felt guilty or responsible for a reality of life that is, essentially, my parents fault for getting divorced (or at least, it's half their fault - I did move away). I'm 35, so I can deal, but it's there.

I feel for your mom. The ones who care the most are the most affected by this. You seem like a good daughter as well since you have noticed and care. Not sure there's a solution. I find men in general can move on quicker and so it's easier for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.

This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!

That sounds miserable.

1. That's what divorced people tell themselves. Being a child of divorce is a lifelong state and problems can arise later even if you believe the kids are fine now.

4. Not yet, you mean.

PP here.

1. My kids are financially set. The divorce did not impact them at all. They have an extra house. They still have too much. No setback for them.
4. I will never remarry. There is a 1% chance my ex will. Highly unlikely. IF it ever happens, kids will be almost or fully adults. No interest in marriage for either me or my ex. It is not something either of us ever want to do again.

The men ALWAYS eventually remarry. I can’t even find one divorced man that did not eventually remarry—-even the old ones!!! I find it not to be true with the women though-many never re-marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.

This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!

That sounds miserable.

1. That's what divorced people tell themselves. Being a child of divorce is a lifelong state and problems can arise later even if you believe the kids are fine now.

4. Not yet, you mean.

PP here.

1. My kids are financially set. The divorce did not impact them at all. They have an extra house. They still have too much. No setback for them.
4. I will never remarry. There is a 1% chance my ex will. Highly unlikely. IF it ever happens, kids will be almost or fully adults. No interest in marriage for either me or my ex. It is not something either of us ever want to do again.

The men ALWAYS eventually remarry. I can’t even find one divorced man that did not eventually remarry—-even the old ones!!! I find it not to be true with the women though-many never re-marry.

My ex did not share money with me when we were married. He will not share money with any woman ever. He won't remarry.

[Anonymous]

Why are you confused? Neither of us see the point of remarriage. Highly unlikely either of us would ever do it. Probable boyfriend/girlfriend in the future but neither of us want to cohabitate or remarry. No legal or financial entanglements. No other family entanglements. No thanks. He and I feel the same on this issue.

Because you’re claiming lockstep agreement about significant life choices with someone you disagreed with enough to divorce.

Because speaking with an odd, possessive confidence about your ex’s personal life or lack thereof is unhealthy. His romantic goals are no longer your goals, by definition.

Because you sound angry to be challenged on this issue.