Does SAHM make a difference during infant years?
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Anonymous
Or by SAMS that think that children will grow up to respect a choice to be paid nothing in the eyes of society. Just like DH and I have so much respect for our SAMs who we both think threw away careers they wished they had later in life. But hey, our moms were there to talk to us when we were 2, never mind I have nothing in common with my mom now bc she has no idea what it’s like to have a career. |
Anonymous
How old is your kid right now? I’m going to guess younger than 5, just from how idealistic you sound. Check in again when you have a school age child. |
Anonymous
You may find narrating for a baby or taking toddlers for walk boring, but those aren’t inherently boring activities. Hiring a nanny is a great choice, but you don’t have to talk about the work nannies (and SAHMs) do as though it’s dull and boring. I find child development fascinating and loved all that stuff. And I’m a lawyer with a “serious” career. Caring for small kids is challenging and fascinating and yes, requires a specialized skill set. But just because you don’t have that skill set does not mean it’s “as boring as anyone could imagine.” It’s boring to you. It’s entirely likely that whatever you do with your days would be boring to others. |
Anonymous
Why isn’t Dad or partner doing a paternity leave part of the equation? Are you a single parent? That was my transition back to work when it felt hard to leave baby. Leaving baby with Dad for several more months while you transition back to work is a whole different ballgame than immediately transitioning to professional care. Skip paternity and you’ll be on DCUM complaining about being a default parent in a few years, whether you SAM or WOH. |
Anonymous
She’s 4 (and I’m back at work full time) but how can my lives experience be “idealistic”? I took time off, it was the right choice for me, it seems to have been good for my kid, but I’m sure other options would have worked for her too. Not sure why any of that would change— no matter what the future holds, I can’t think of any reason I’d suddenly regret my very positive SAHM experience later. |
Anonymous
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I have teens and I just want to offer some reassurance. These kind of threads get outright mean sometimes, I think due to larger societal misogyny, but regardless the reason, it isn't great.
I'm around a lot of teens. Also, my own teens had a SAHM, a full time WOHM, a part time WOHM, and even a student mom. I've seen it all and done different things myself. And what I see is that while this is a choice that is important for individual mothers, in practice SAHM vs WOHM is just far, far down the list of things that matter. It's not that it's irrelevant, because it impacts mothers in a variety of ways, but mostly it's unimportant to the outcome of the kids. What matters to the outcome of kids? The state of the parental relationship, the mental health of the parents/siblings, the financial stability of the family (this is not the same thing as wealth), alcohol & drug use by parents, anger management (or lack thereof) of parents, addressing special needs of kids/parents, parental rigidity and expectations, etc. This stuff has lifelong impact. But SAH v WOH is just not that important to outcome. People also get thrown curveballs. Partners change, jobs are lost, kids go off track, etc. What is more important than a specific role is adaptability (IMO), both by kids and parents. Is someone rigidly clinging to a model that just isn't working? Is a SAHM refusing to work while her DH is destroying his health from stress? The selfishness of the SAHM is the problem, not the actual role of SAHM. Similarly, is a marriage getting destroyed because both spouses work long hours and won't compromise? The rigidity of both partners is the problem, not just WOH. People on these threads often show a real lack of imagination, thrown in with a touch of nastiness: "I couldn't possibly imagine - a thing that other people are doing- because -fill in the blank self-justifying reason-." Whatever. Ignore these people, they don't have the mental flexibility and humility to raise teens well, that's for sure. Many kids are raised in wildly different ways, and they do well. There isn't a formula to childrearing, thankfully. The reality is that your kids will almost certainly be great kids, and you'll change course if they aren't. You'll be okay, and so will they. Own your choices, and try to live your life such that you can make changes. It will all be okay! |
Anonymous
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One thing that I found is that as kids get older, there are a lot more value judgments you're conveying in parenting, and it's harder to find a nanny who is in sync with you - probably impossible, in fact, because you can't anticipate the questions you'll get from your kids, so you can't know what to ask the nanny about in an interview. When it's reading to a toddler or changing an infant's diaper, that's not really an issue.
I stepped back from my career with my oldest in elementary and my youngest as a baby - the way I thought of it was that the added time with DC1 was for her, and the time with DC3 was for me - he didn't need me, but I wanted those snuggles! |
Anonymous
+1 I’m only mom to a toddler and one on the way but I think you really nailed it. |
Anonymous
I’m not questioning your choices, good for you. I just noticed a couple phrases in there that are typical of a FTM with a young child. Wait until your child gets a little older and more complex. You’ll see that 0-5 is a golden period, regardless of whether you WOH or SAH. There’s a reason older women get misty eyed when they see a young child. It’s easy to be that child’s whole world and to feel like you’re doing everything right. Wait a bit, you’ll see what I mean. |
Anonymous
Oh, a “just you wait— you’ll see.” Moms of young kids never hear that. 
Yes, of course things will change as my child ages. Thank you for explaining *the effect of time on humans* to me. As a person in my 40s, that has never occurred to me before. |
Anonymous
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I stayed home for 2 years with my daughter and think it was one of the best decisions I ever made for our family. I wouldn't have traded that time for anything.
I know I was very privileged to be able to do that financially and also in terms of being in a career where I wouldn't suffer huge setbacks from taking a long leave. |
Anonymous
Here's a metaanalysis: https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-136-6-915.pdf "...moderator analyses indicated that early maternal employment was associated with beneficial child outcomes when families were at risk socioeconomically, particularly in the context of families with single parents and on welfare; these findings support the compensatory hypothesis of employment for these families (e.g., NICHD Early Child Care Research Network, 2003)….In contrast, other analyses indicated that employment was associated with negative child outcomes when families were not at risk financially (i.e., when families were middle or upper-middle class); these findings support the lost-resources hypothesis for these types of families (e.g., NICHD Early Child Care Research Network, 2003)….Timing of employment was also an important moderator, such that Year 1 employment was negatively associated with children’s achievement, whereas later employment (Years 2 and 3) was positively associated with achievement." There are really a number of studies out there. Really though, in the end, the difference is so minimal. What really matters: 1) maternal education 2) SES 3) parental stress 4) parental physical and mental health As far as why the wealthiest parents choose childcare from the word "go," I don't know. I don't really even know that they do. What I know about the wealthiest families is really mostly based on television. I have no idea how close that is to reality. |
Anonymous
| Wait until you have the baby to decide. I had a hard time with my first because it was absolutely draining to be needed 24/7. With my second, I had the nanny come over during my maternity leave to get a break. My kids never took the bottle and basically slept on me for the first 2 years, so I found mothering overwhelming and suffocating at times when they were little. My kids are older now and I wholeheartedly know my work did not impact them negatively, as we are very close and their teenage years have been a breeze. |
Anonymous
| I would encourage you to read extensively about the developmental psychology of infants and toddlers (Mary Ainsworth, Erik Erikson and Jean Piaget). I am a stay at home mom of five children and a former primary school teacher. It is incredibly important what I do with my children everyday and now more than ever I’m so grateful I am here to guide them both academically and emotionally during the pandemic. |
Anonymous
Honey, you’re the one who said this bond is going to help you make parenting decisions going forward and that you feel confident about this great groundwork you’ve laid. Sorry but only moms of young children say that kind of thing. That’s not a mindset that shows consciousness about how things change. You will be dealing with a completely different kid in a few years. It’s fine if you want to congratulate yourself about the lifelong effects of these few years, but just own that this isn’t really realistic given that it’s early in the marathon. The truth is you don’t know yet what your child or your relationship with your child is going to look like, and that’s ok. Embrace the fact that you had some good years. Don’t make it into an expectation for how things will go. |