DW suffering from burnout

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone! Busy day so now able to answer questions. The cuts were at daycare due to limited CDC regulations. We are not able to afford $20 nanny, searches for daycares/ childcare but have not been successful for twins. I fear husband will become angry if I stop catering to his needs. Want a solution to this madness but honestly don’t know where to start. My company does not offer Covid leave, I work for a small contracting company. I’ll take the advice for takeout (costly) but great advice. Paper plates! Thank you for that one, it will save time. Really value your advice during these dark times. Feel as though everyone is struggling.

Honestly, whatever you were spending on day are needs to go to childcare even if it is more costly and ends up not being full-time. It is completely unreasonable to expect you to take care of twins and work at the same time. That is non-negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone! Busy day so now able to answer questions. The cuts were at daycare due to limited CDC regulations. We are not able to afford $20 nanny, searches for daycares/ childcare but have not been successful for twins. I fear husband will become angry if I stop catering to his needs. Want a solution to this madness but honestly don’t know where to start. My company does not offer Covid leave, I work for a small contracting company. I’ll take the advice for takeout (costly) but great advice. Paper plates! Thank you for that one, it will save time. Really value your advice during these dark times. Feel as though everyone is struggling.

Honestly, whatever you were spending on day are needs to go to childcare even if it is more costly and ends up not being full-time. It is completely unreasonable to expect you to take care of twins and work at the same time. That is non-negotiable.

Two things: 1) Big yes to the above regarding whatever $ were going to daycare. Or evaluate what WOULD help that might be less than a sitter - like someone to help with cleaning, laundry, and food prep?

2) the bolded statement that you fear his anger is heartbreaking. I'm not telling you to go get a divorce but I really do recommend that you think about the life you want to have. I am sure there are a lot of women on here that can speak to this, but in general, my experience and that of my friends is that this early dynamic doesn't change. I was lucky that we lived overseas and I had staff for a lot of years when my kids were little. My husband might have pitched in more if we had not and had both been working FT with kids in daycare. My marriage definitely has its problems, but I have never, ever felt afraid to stop doing things for my husband if he's being a lazy bum. About 14 years ago he was a complete jerk after I packed a suitcase for him for a trip. I told him I would never pack a suitcase for him again and I never have. I know that's oddly specific, but you should be able to stand up to him.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a lazy man-child and treating you like you're his mother who needs to take care of him. Take charge. Don't wash his dishes, do his laundry, clean his messes. Let them pile up, because his messes are not yours. If he complains that the house is never clean, tell him to clean up after himself, because he is an adult. Do not enable his laziness. He needs to take responsibility.

Np. Lazy, selfish ManChild would be more than happy to play this game of chicken with you. Enjoy the mess and paying for take out orders.

This. Exactly this. People who are giving this advice have never dealt with someone like this. My husband is like this and I’ve watched it play out with my FIL who is as well. MIL finally left and his house is DISGUSTING.

If you are going to stay married, you have to change your mind set. Pick one thing that he realistically can agree too AND follow through with. After that, outsource what you can, decide what’s most important to you, and let the rest go. You have to choose to be happy and try not to focus on the “fairness” of it all. Otherwise you will remain overwhelmed and miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a lazy man-child and treating you like you're his mother who needs to take care of him. Take charge. Don't wash his dishes, do his laundry, clean his messes. Let them pile up, because his messes are not yours. If he complains that the house is never clean, tell him to clean up after himself, because he is an adult. Do not enable his laziness. He needs to take responsibility.

Np. Lazy, selfish ManChild would be more than happy to play this game of chicken with you. Enjoy the mess and paying for take out orders.

This. Exactly this. People who are giving this advice have never dealt with someone like this. My husband is like this and I’ve watched it play out with my FIL who is as well. MIL finally left and his house is DISGUSTING.

If you are going to stay married, you have to change your mind set. Pick one thing that he realistically can agree too AND follow through with. After that, outsource what you can, decide what’s most important to you, and let the rest go. You have to choose to be happy and try not to focus on the “fairness” of it all. Otherwise you will remain overwhelmed and miserable.

I think the "choose to be happy" advice can have merit in some situations, but OP is stretched beyond any reasonable breaking point (twins under 2 and a FT job, my God).

I sympathize with you, OP. We're very lucky in that we had a nanny before COVID hit. I have several friends whose daycares have closed who have been searching desperately for care. It is hard to find right now because everyone is looking, and it's expensive where you can get it. If you can find someone to help with childcare, I do think now is the time to throw money at them even if it means cutting back elsewhere. Certainly college funding and I'd even say retirement contributions at this stage. The pandemic will be a time-limited event, and you have to get through your days now however you can.

I really feel for you, too, saying you don't want your husband to get angry with you. Most normal humans don't like to be around angry people. I think an earlier PP who said sometimes your losing it is a possible answer is not wrong. DH has a shorter temper than I (mostly due to anxiety issues, but some of it's just plain old entitlement) and after putting up with it for awhile I eventually started letting my own anger show when I thought he was really going too far. After a couple of times where I really let him have it, he learned my anger can be as ferocious and unpleasant as his and it's not worth getting to that point. Negative reinforcement has a place. (I realize this might sound like we go round shouting at each other all the time which couldn't be further from the truth. We love each other and have a happy marriage - but yeah, sometimes it's happy because he's just a little bit afraid of upsetting ME.)

[Anonymous]

Two under two and full time job. Need to hire a sitter who will come to you. In addition to watching kids will also feed kids, wash their clothes and dishes. This will be expensive, was when we did it with twins, but will save your sanity. Find someone who is cautious about the virus and is socially distancing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask for his support and don't be emotional about it. Just give the facts and say that you are burned out. If he is not willing to help then tell him that you will hire others to take some of the load off of your shoulders. If he still doesn't budge you are married to the wrong person.

That was my approach. I stifled all my resentment and saved that for other people. Just said, " I need you to handle dinner every night, laundry 3X a week and grocery shopping once a week." My H was working 6 or 7 hours a day and i was working 10-12, but he didn't see it.