Girlfriend Doesn’t Want Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a high earner? Would she SAH? I would never agree to 3-4 kids without both SAH AND money for outsourcing. We stopped at 2 for this reason. And DH and I both wanted 4 until we had 1. Then we decided to stop at 2.

OP here. She doesn’t want to SAH. We both earn a good income ( HHi together is 300k). I’m an only child and always wanted a big family because it gets lonely. I’ve always wished I had sibilinga to share my childhood experiences with and a built-in best friend. We did talk last night and she said the thought of having that many kids ina shirt time worries her, and makes her feel like I won’t be happy if she/we can’t do that. She does want kids, but max of 2, and I’ve decided to compromise. Hearing your stories made me realize I may not want 4 when I have 1-2 and realize how hard it is. All is good.

You sound like you've idealized a lot of siblings. Having a sibling isn't always "a built-in best friend." I have two siblings, but we were never best friends growing up. We shared some experiences, but we also shared other things - such as parental attention and physical space - that made those relationships tense at times. Your kids may not have anything in common with each other and may actually not get along. That is just as likely as being built-in best friends.

Two kids is a good number of kids, particularly when you are living in a very high COL area such as DC. If you have 3 kids in daycare, you will likely be paying at least $3000/mo in childcare costs, possibly closer to $5000/mo. You may have a good income, but that's a lot of money, and even $1000 less would be significant for most people on a monthly basis.

I'm glad you worked this out. Not marrying someone you love because they don't want to "commit" to 3-4 kids when they are already in their early 30s and haven't even experienced one yet (and you haven't either!) would be... insane. And I say that as someone who had her first kid at a few weeks shy of 33 and is currently pregnant with her third having never wanted more than 2.

[Anonymous]

^^ I should add happily and intentionally pregnant with #3. Desires change.

[Anonymous]

You're not looking for a wife. You're looking for a womb so you can procreate. Do her a favor and break up with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a high earner? Would she SAH? I would never agree to 3-4 kids without both SAH AND money for outsourcing. We stopped at 2 for this reason. And DH and I both wanted 4 until we had 1. Then we decided to stop at 2.

OP here. She doesn’t want to SAH. We both earn a good income ( HHi together is 300k). I’m an only child and always wanted a big family because it gets lonely. I’ve always wished I had sibilinga to share my childhood experiences with and a built-in best friend. We did talk last night and she said the thought of having that many kids ina shirt time worries her, and makes her feel like I won’t be happy if she/we can’t do that. She does want kids, but max of 2, and I’ve decided to compromise. Hearing your stories made me realize I may not want 4 when I have 1-2 and realize how hard it is. All is good.

Thanks for reporting back, OP.

One of my favorite lines from a friend who got engaged and was asked "how many kids do you want?" was "one at a time" - this sounds like your GF.

And you definitely have idealized the concept that a sibling = best friend. Might I suggest sleepaway camp for your future kid(s)? That's a great way to build "family" for life!