Did anyone not have a wedding?

[Anonymous]

courthouse wedding and then eloped in Italy. It was the best wedding ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're very generous too, but would like to point out that you can certainly have a wedding for under 10k.

+1.

You are right. I have read about the cost of weddings in the US. "The average wedding cost in the United States is $25,764. Couples, on average, spend between $19,323 and $32,205 but, most couples spend less than $10,000. This does not include cost for a honeymoon."

However, this is not the reality in the Indian community. The reality is more along the lines of - http://www.lassiwithlavina.com/thebuzz/the-big-fat-indian-wedding-in-america/html

Their costs are off the roof and the wedding celebrations spans MONTHS, with multiple days of events, and each event has all the same costs - clothes, jewelry, hotel suites, makeup, hair, coordinated clothes for family, food, booze, servers, venue, photographer, videographer, guy doing the drone photography, elaborate invitations that are hand delivered, flowers, henna artist, ice-sculptures, hand crafted Indian desserts, hand crafted western desserts, caricature artist, picture booth, themed cocktails, drummer, wine specially blended for the wedding, scotch specially blended for the wedding, bollywood sets, dance choreographer who teaches everyone to dance to bollywood hits, music videos of groom and bride lip-synching their love to some bollywood song, karaoke artists, whatnot! Most of us are breaking the bank and running ragged trying to keep with the Joneses/Junejas.

The interesting thing is that Indian weddings now also include western traditions like having bridesmaids and groomsmen, father-daughter dance, mom-son dance, bridal shower, bachelorette and bachelor party, some kind of digital video and PowerPoint montage of the groom and the bride and multiple wedding coordinators. We are taking all celebrations from all cultures and adopting everything. All this fusion is just creating confusion.

[Anonymous]

No wedding. Married at the courthouse and then flew to Europe for the week. (That's all the time off we had back then). Married 16 yrs, no regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married in the courthouse. We celebrated at home - around 50 people. No gifts. Parents had paid for college so we started with no student debt. It was a major legup for us in life.

I will do the same for my kids. I will pay for their college and higher studies. Also when they get married (in the courthouse), I will throw a modest party (approx - 10K) + 50K cash gift towards either retirement or down payment for a house + a new car (approx $30K). I will not spend more than this.

If my kids want grand weddings, they will have to pay for it themselves. I will give 50K for the down payment for a house/retirement. I will also put 30K for my grandkids college fund.

You sound pretentious.

You are welcome to think whatever you want. We are not poor. We can afford to pay for our kids wedding but see that as a waste of money. We would rather give them a boost in life by getting them things that they can use. It is our hard earned money, we choose to spend it in a way that we think is best. A big wedding and a expensive wedding ring is a waste of money. No student debt, retirement/college account, down payment to a house, a paid of vehicle that you can use to go to work - I consider these blessings for any adult starting their married life.

Just to give more background. We are UMC Indian immigrants. DH and I came here as graduate students and married when we were settled into our professional lives for a year. Our family flew in to attend the wedding. So we were able to get away with a simple wedding because we were in a foreign land.

In our community, an average (also known as a "respectable") wedding in the US costs 200K. It is common for parents to spend anything from 300-500K in our social circle, and invite 300 or more people. I will be going against the norm to actually spend just 10K on a wedding celebration party.

As an immigrant community that lived frugally when we came to this country, we are always trying to give everything to our children - including big fat Bollywood style weddings. I am no different from other parents in my community and I also want to give the world to my kids. So we will pay for all their college. After that, I would rather give them something that gives them financial options in life instead of an expensive celebration that lasts for a day. I don't want to give them 50K for the wedding. I want to give them 50K towards their down-payment and/or retirement savings. I don't want to give them money to buy a ridiculously expensive diamond ring which gives them peanuts in resale value. I will however buy them a new car. My kids know that. We have been having these conversations with them from the time they were in middle school. We have given them financial education, they are aware of our finances, they are aware of the magic of compound interest.

But lets say that they decide to pay for their own big fat wedding, what do we do then? Well, I will still have a party for them for 10 K, and my gift to them becomes that of just 50K down-payment for the house/retirement savings, and of course, at that point, there will not be getting a new 30K car. Why, because they are obviously doing very well or they are very naive.

In the end, when we pass away, all our assets will come equally to our children. So I am not feeling too bad. Yes, there will be plenty of raised eyebrows and whispers in my social circle and our relatives in India will flip out, but that's perfectly acceptable to us. I know some people in our community who have done the same and I think it is a trend worth bucking.

I think you sound like a smart, grounded, parent. Good for you. I think the person who called you pretentious should try looking that up in the dictionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married in the courthouse. We celebrated at home - around 50 people. No gifts. Parents had paid for college so we started with no student debt. It was a major legup for us in life.

I will do the same for my kids. I will pay for their college and higher studies. Also when they get married (in the courthouse), I will throw a modest party (approx - 10K) + 50K cash gift towards either retirement or down payment for a house + a new car (approx $30K). I will not spend more than this.

If my kids want grand weddings, they will have to pay for it themselves. I will give 50K for the down payment for a house/retirement. I will also put 30K for my grandkids college fund.

You sound pretentious.

You are welcome to think whatever you want. We are not poor. We can afford to pay for our kids wedding but see that as a waste of money. We would rather give them a boost in life by getting them things that they can use. It is our hard earned money, we choose to spend it in a way that we think is best. A big wedding and a expensive wedding ring is a waste of money. No student debt, retirement/college account, down payment to a house, a paid of vehicle that you can use to go to work - I consider these blessings for any adult starting their married life.

You are great parent PP and very wise. Respect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married in the courthouse. We celebrated at home - around 50 people. No gifts. Parents had paid for college so we started with no student debt. It was a major legup for us in life.

I will do the same for my kids. I will pay for their college and higher studies. Also when they get married (in the courthouse), I will throw a modest party (approx - 10K) + 50K cash gift towards either retirement or down payment for a house + a new car (approx $30K). I will not spend more than this.

If my kids want grand weddings, they will have to pay for it themselves. I will give 50K for the down payment for a house/retirement. I will also put 30K for my grandkids college fund.

You sound pretentious.

You are welcome to think whatever you want. We are not poor. We can afford to pay for our kids wedding but see that as a waste of money. We would rather give them a boost in life by getting them things that they can use. It is our hard earned money, we choose to spend it in a way that we think is best. A big wedding and a expensive wedding ring is a waste of money. No student debt, retirement/college account, down payment to a house, a paid of vehicle that you can use to go to work - I consider these blessings for any adult starting their married life.

Just to give more background. We are UMC Indian immigrants. DH and I came here as graduate students and married when we were settled into our professional lives for a year. Our family flew in to attend the wedding. So we were able to get away with a simple wedding because we were in a foreign land.

In our community, an average (also known as a "respectable") wedding in the US costs 200K. It is common for parents to spend anything from 300-500K in our social circle, and invite 300 or more people. I will be going against the norm to actually spend just 10K on a wedding celebration party.

As an immigrant community that lived frugally when we came to this country, we are always trying to give everything to our children - including big fat Bollywood style weddings. I am no different from other parents in my community and I also want to give the world to my kids. So we will pay for all their college. After that, I would rather give them something that gives them financial options in life instead of an expensive celebration that lasts for a day. I don't want to give them 50K for the wedding. I want to give them 50K towards their down-payment and/or retirement savings. I don't want to give them money to buy a ridiculously expensive diamond ring which gives them peanuts in resale value. I will however buy them a new car. My kids know that. We have been having these conversations with them from the time they were in middle school. We have given them financial education, they are aware of our finances, they are aware of the magic of compound interest.

But lets say that they decide to pay for their own big fat wedding, what do we do then? Well, I will still have a party for them for 10 K, and my gift to them becomes that of just 50K down-payment for the house/retirement savings, and of course, at that point, there will not be getting a new 30K car. Why, because they are obviously doing very well or they are very naive.

In the end, when we pass away, all our assets will come equally to our children. So I am not feeling too bad. Yes, there will be plenty of raised eyebrows and whispers in my social circle and our relatives in India will flip out, but that's perfectly acceptable to us. I know some people in our community who have done the same and I think it is a trend worth bucking.

I think you sound like a smart, grounded, parent. Good for you. I think the person who called you pretentious should try looking that up in the dictionary.

What if the other side of the family (grooms/brides) wants a big wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're very generous too, but would like to point out that you can certainly have a wedding for under 10k.

+1.

You are right. I have read about the cost of weddings in the US. "The average wedding cost in the United States is $25,764. Couples, on average, spend between $19,323 and $32,205 but, most couples spend less than $10,000. This does not include cost for a honeymoon."

However, this is not the reality in the Indian community. The reality is more along the lines of - http://www.lassiwithlavina.com/thebuzz/the-big-fat-indian-wedding-in-america/html

Their costs are off the roof and the wedding celebrations spans MONTHS, with multiple days of events, and each event has all the same costs - clothes, jewelry, hotel suites, makeup, hair, coordinated clothes for family, food, booze, servers, venue, photographer, videographer, guy doing the drone photography, elaborate invitations that are hand delivered, flowers, henna artist, ice-sculptures, hand crafted Indian desserts, hand crafted western desserts, caricature artist, picture booth, themed cocktails, drummer, wine specially blended for the wedding, scotch specially blended for the wedding, bollywood sets, dance choreographer who teaches everyone to dance to bollywood hits, music videos of groom and bride lip-synching their love to some bollywood song, karaoke artists, whatnot! Most of us are breaking the bank and running ragged trying to keep with the Joneses/Junejas.

The interesting thing is that Indian weddings now also include western traditions like having bridesmaids and groomsmen, father-daughter dance, mom-son dance, bridal shower, bachelorette and bachelor party, some kind of digital video and PowerPoint montage of the groom and the bride and multiple wedding coordinators. We are taking all celebrations from all cultures and adopting everything. All this fusion is just creating confusion.

PP here. Yes, I can see how all that would easily add up! I had just laughed to myself b/c your modest 10k was actually a lot to me, but I can appreciate cultural differences and expectations. I hope your kids will appreciate your generosity. My cousin just got married and her parents delayed their retirements to pay for the $80k plus wedding; both she and her husband are in their 30s too! While I understand how people want a nice party, I can't imagine one day waking up to realize you just blew a house down payment on 6 hours of your life.

[Anonymous]

I had a medium wedding (100 ppl not in DC area) and definitely wished we did 20 ppl and a nice restaurant lunch after, the end. I was way more excited for the honeymoon and marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What if the other side of the family (grooms/brides) wants a big wedding?

We do have a backup plan for that! We have planned to throw a fit about the marriage and refuse to give our blessings. In turn, our kids will elope , instead of trying to win us over. They elope in the old-fashioned way - run away at night, in secret and get married in the nearest courthouse without telling anyone etc. Then they come back to us as a married couple and ask us to accept them. We cry a bit and forgive them for eloping.

After that I throw a party for 10K, give them a down payment for their home, and buy them a car. All this has been planned, thought out, ready for execution!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What if the other side of the family (grooms/brides) wants a big wedding?

We do have a backup plan for that! We have planned to throw a fit about the marriage and refuse to give our blessings. In turn, our kids will elope , instead of trying to win us over. They elope in the old-fashioned way - run away at night, in secret and get married in the nearest courthouse without telling anyone etc. Then they come back to us as a married couple and ask us to accept them. We cry a bit and forgive them for eloping.

After that I throw a party for 10K, give them a down payment for their home, and buy them a car. All this has been planned, thought out, ready for execution!

[Anonymous]

Woke up one Friday, drove to the courthouse and paid $35 for the marriage license, and then went around the corner to an attorney who married us for $100. Walked down the street to have lunch, and then went to work. No wedding, no reception, no party, no honeymoon. Still married over a decade later with two beautiful kids.

[Anonymous]

We got married is a restaurant with about 30 guests. Pro tip: just tell people you are doing a small wedding and a big reception later that they will be invited to. And then never have the reception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I are not planning on having a wedding.

Her family would not attend and my family is smallish. We have friends located in various parts of the country and we’d be asking people to travel no matter what area we chose.

Neither of us are particularly traditional and don’t have much of a drive for a wedding. I’d rather put the money into the honeymoon or a house. I’m just afraid we’ll regret it.

The plan is a courthouse wedding and a reception with a few family members and close friends. All of our other friends had extravagant weddings, and that’s just not us.

We got married in a national park and had a catered reception for 20 people at a relative’s house. It was perfect and I don’t regret a thing, 18 yrs later. Do what feels right to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did a planned elopement in Hawaii then barbecue in my hometown a month later. It was the kind of thing that dcum people would hate with kegs and pulled pork and fried chicken. , children and even dogs were invited. It was amazing

Sounds awesome!

[Anonymous]

We eloped in Hawaii. No reception.