Alternative to two Christmases?
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Anonymous
I don't think you have to make it a big deal. You can send them their gifts from you whenever they want. They can give your kids gifts when they see them. I view that as getting late presents not a second Xmas...?? |
Anonymous
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We also have will-not-travel ILs who live 3 hrs away and my family across the country. Once we had kids we established that we go to the ILs for Thanksgiving, we stay home for Xmas and anyone is welcome to join us. Which ends up being my parents every other year (they alternate with my sister) and never my ILs. We either drive to see the ILs for New Year or later in Jan for FIL's birthday. The ILs so hold the kids presents until they see us, which is fine with me.
OP - I think you just need to get over your objections to the ILs "doing Christmas" in January. What harm is there? To me the annoying part would be hassling you about when you are coming. Make a plan and stick to it. E.g., we'll visit the first long weekend in January and then your DH needs to shut down the nagging. |
Anonymous
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Once married, you have major holidays at your house! Definitely after children, you have Christmas at your house. Marriage means that you are grown up people and you start your very own holiday rituals/memories. Family can visit or you can visit them BUT AFTER Christmas. Believe me, your children do not care if they on presents after Christmas.
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Anonymous
| Stop stressing and draw the line. Your kids deserve to have Christmas at home. Let the parents and inlaws hold presents hostage, it shows how petty they are. You've invited them to your house and they declined, their loss. |
Anonymous
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When our kids were young, we held firm to the idea that we celebrated Christmas at home. Add to that the fact that we were pretty involved in our church and had to be there Christmas Eve and Christmas Day..... it was not an issue.
We invited grandparents/family to our house. Sometimes they came, sometimes they didn’t. It is up to you to set the routine for what you want to do. We thought it was important to begin family traditions when our kids were young. And, the way to do that was for us to be at home. |
Anonymous
No, but it makes your husband one for ignoring the needs of his family and giving into demands that clearly upset his wife just so he doesn't have the backbone to establish some normal boundaries. TL  R - you have a husband problem. Start there.
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Anonymous
| As a kid we were always to broke for the expensive transcontinental flights required to visit family for major holidays. We saw family several times a year but always at other random times like mid-February. All my holiday memories are low-key, relaxed and with my immediate/nuclear family. It is something my parents definitely got right. |
Anonymous
| Christmas at home and whoever wants to can come. We started that after DC 1 was born and there was a lot of pushback but it's worked well for 2 years now. Just keep reinforcing that as you get older (children born) traditions change. |
Anonymous
| You and your husband need to get on the same page, make a decision that works for *your* family, communicate it and stick with it. I think it's crazy that you feel held hostage by extended family to spend holidays in a way that causes stress and isn't what you want as a family. If you stick with your decision, they'll get over it and it will become something they just get used to. As long as you carve out time for them during the year, the timing should't have to be dictated by them. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I would stop letting them use the gifts as a power struggle. It's their choice to gift them or not. You don't need to worry about what their choice is. Decide what you prefer for the holidays and do that regardless of what their threatening with the gifts.
I would just stay home every Christmas and keep the open invitation. They will complain about it. They will start fights over it. They may refuse to come or send gifts. Just ignore it. If you want to share in visiting them for a holiday, I think it would be easier to alternate Thanksgivings. You have a long weekend from work and school and then you can insure your kids have Christmas morning in their own home. |
Anonymous
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I think it's so interesting that you completely accept that grandpa and grandma will NEVER travel, but you question your own desire to have Christmas at home.
Why are they allowed to have preferences, and you are not? Trust me, if you draw the line and stick to it, they'll start to think travel isn't so bad. Which could be good or bad for you, but at least you'll still have your Christmas at home. |
Anonymous
What's wrong with holding the gifts until they seem them? That's reasonable. You shouldn't feel compelled to travel. They can travel to you and bring gifts...whenever they like. |
Anonymous
| I guess we kind of do 2- one with either side of our family and then another "let's let the kids open their gifts" time during a visit either before or after actual xmas with the other side- the difference is that the grandparents who we didn't see travel to US- I think that is the only way to make it tenable. Just tell BOTH sides that you can't travel 2 times in a month and that you are happy to help them visit you (if you can swing that) around holidays on their off year. |
Anonymous
OP, why isn't that a solution? You said you don't want the gifts so what's the big deal. Wait until March or July or whenever you see them again and forget about Christmas gifts unless they bring it up. Keep reminding them (before hand) that they are very welcome to celebrate Christmas at your house but you won't be able to travel THIS SEASON so it would be great to see them if they come to your house, but otherwise, we'll see you when we can make it out there. |
Anonymous
| FWIW, I don't see the big deal about having xmas at home, and I was a kid who had most of them at home! But what I loved was having all my extended family together - even though we got together frequently. I cherish the intergenerational bonds and traditions in our families (moms and dad's sides). I love passing that on to my boys which means no xmas in our living room on the 25th except maybe once every 4years, maybe only 1 time in the "santa years"- YMMV but I think a different perspective never hurts |