well off family growing up, but not now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in the Minneapolis suburbs, where you can live a really nice quality of life (beautiful new home, great vacations, etc) without a huge income.

Now that I live in DC, I see so many friends who grew up UMC (with their dad working as a federal government attorney and their mom as a SAHM!) Now, it takes two incomes to get something even approaching the lifestyle they had growing up.

DC is so expensive! I like living here (and we have good HHI), but it does make me cringe to see so many people eeking by, when they could be living large elsewhere. There are a lot of other good places to live in the US.

I love the way people are always like, "Just move! You could be living so much better elsewhere!" without regard for the fact that a lot of people live in DC, not because they love the high COLA, but because their industry is based here and moving would require switching industries, passing another bar, getting re-licensed, etc. My job exists around major urban centers - there is no market for what I do in Minneapolis (nor do I want to freeze my tail off, if I did, I'd have moved to Canada long ago). Nearly everyone I know in my field who's moved away from DC, NY, Chicago, etc. has gone somewhere that there were one to three employers in the field, and when they got laid off, finding another job, even one not as lucrative, was very difficult. At least two are now doing remote consulting work for DC-based companies - for decent pay, but having to pay your own taxes and benefits.

And it's eking (from eke, not eek). Eek what the fainthearted say when they see a rodent.

Fair enough. But I do believe that several studies have shown that DC residents pay a larger share of their income for housing than do people in other cities. It's just a bummer, and people are missing out on having a nice house. My DH and I are also kind of "stuck" in DC, but I will encourage my kids to take into account, when choosing a career, how mobile that career might be. (For example, my brother is a doctor, and like most people in health care, can choose where to live.)

Yeah, I think I would encourage mine towards more portable careers as well. Neither DH nor I knew what we wanted to be when we grew up (probably still don't), and we happened into primarily DC-based industries. We do not plan to retire here. Our families are very extreme - we live in a very urban area, and our families are quite rural (my BIL has a house that would be a $1M+ here, but paid less for it than one would a one-bedroom condo here; downside is that he travels 3-4 days/week for his job and is rarely there to enjoy it). I don't think either are great.

We do have a nice house up here, though - much nicer than either of us had growing up on a farm and in less expensive surburbia. And we fight less with the school system for services than my similarly-situated friends in lower COLA areas. The traffic still sucks, though.

[Anonymous]

A good friend of mine grew up UMC as the daughter of a physician (with a sub specialty) and a SAHM. She married a lawyer, but a do-gooder type from a middle class family who works as a local prosecutor in their town. Friend stays at home and their house is very modest (although there is a low COL in their town) but she is in many ways subsidized by her parents. I don't think she is given spending money directly, but every few years her parents hand them down a 3-4 year old car, pays for them all to go annually to somewhere like Disney or Hawaii, and also have plans to pay for all of the grandchildren's college.

So you can stretch a small paycheck far if you don't have to pay for cars, vacations, or save for college.

[Anonymous]

This is happening to my DH, born and raised in the DC area, both his parents were surgeons and invested their money very very well. They bought up real estate in now exceptional areas back when it was cheap, invested in hotels, and got in on some big IPOs. Private school all the way, first class travel for multiple vacations, very high end designer clothes, 2 homes in London, villa in Dubai, Upper East Side penthouse, housekeepers, 6 figure donations to charities, and sports cars. Due to some shady deals a relative got the parents involved in, their net worth has come down to about 7 million total.

Luckily, he is a doctor himself and with the assistance his parents provided prior to their downfall, we live debt and mortgage free so we are able to send our kids to private school and with dual incomes, we live a nice UMC lifestyle, but nowhere near how he grew up. His father used to fly him to London to buy his clothes and now he buys all his clothes from outlet malls. He's totally fine with all of this, in fact he finds it quite amusing. We're a happy little family that understands money doesn't buy happiness, but to me as a person who grew with next to nothing, this is all very interesting. I can say that I don't think I would be as well adjusted and normal as him, but I guess women process differently than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents came from wealthy families and we grew up upper middle class. Sister and I went to good colleges and my brother decided to drop out and become a boat mechanic. Later when he had problems with high blood pressure, he had to quit working on boats (too hot) but he went on to nursing school and was a nurse for several years.

I always thought he was a smart guy who was doing what he wanted to do and respected him for it. In fact, my parents weren't too good at the career thing themselves (too much dabbling in different fields and relying on inherited money) and so when my brother went to diesel mechanic school and then graduated and got a job doing that, I really looked at that as an inspiration when I myself was struggling in graduate school. And when he couldn't be a mechanic anymore, he reinvented himself and became a nurse! Really impressive.

But....I think he always regretted not finishing college when he was young and he felt that he had not lived up to his potential. But that may have been a factor of his alcoholism that killed him at a fairly young age. It also was a factor in two divorces and him giving up parental rights to his children (huge mistake). So it's hard to separate that devastating impact of alcoholism on his sense of self from the fact that he didn't take a traditional upper middle class path.

But the alcoholism thing wasn't related to the class issues as far as I can tell. We have lots of alcoholics in the family of all class backgrounds.

My parents were poor. Their parents were relatively wealthy. They both went to boarding school, grew up with maids, both moms were SAHM, etc. However, my parents were neither motivated nor particularly smart, so they both had LMC jobs. They got bailed out by grandparents, as required. It sucked growing up. I worked through high school and had to give my parents money too. I was able to go to private school my entire life as grandparents paid tuition, but it sucked being the poor kid. My friends were going skiing and had great European vacations. I had to work all summer every summer.

Now I live a MC/UMC life, trying to make up for my crappy childhood. First world problems I know. But I am much better with money than my parents.

[Anonymous]

I grew up UMC, the child of a psychiatrist and a SAHM.

My DH is a college professor and I'm an arts educator/artist, so our HHI is way below what I grew up with. We're very happy in our life and our chosen careers, but I wish I had learned how to budget when I was growing up. That was the steepest learning curve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in the Minneapolis suburbs, where you can live a really nice quality of life (beautiful new home, great vacations, etc) without a huge income.

Now that I live in DC, I see so many friends who grew up UMC (with their dad working as a federal government attorney and their mom as a SAHM!) Now, it takes two incomes to get something even approaching the lifestyle they had growing up.

DC is so expensive! I like living here (and we have good HHI), but it does make me cringe to see so many people eeking by, when they could be living large elsewhere. There are a lot of other good places to live in the US.

Believe me I've thought about that but it's hard to leave when my friends and family live here.

[Anonymous]

The Mandibles, by Lionel Shriver, is a dystopian take on this. It's a great novel, but terrifying.

[Anonymous]

SIL & family are going downward like this. She has been heavily subsidized by parents - buying her a new sports car when she wrecked the old one, paid for college tuition, down payment on house, paid for her husband's dental work, etc. Parents give DH equivalent $$, but he invests and saves his. She's very spendy.

Fast forward to her kids are grown and quite unmotivated academically. One went the community college route and the other is some kind of apprentice in metalwork? No idea how these kids are going to support themselves, much less a family. Slow motion train wreck.

[Anonymous]

Both sets of grandparents went through this when they had to live through ww2 in Europe.
I know some immigrants who had a really good life and had to give all of that up to subsist on H1B visa

It is not uncommon, happens all the time. I feel for those fleeing war like Syrian migrants. That must be the absolute worst that can happen to a person/family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother went from being unbelievably wealthy/powerful to being middle/upper-middle class. She had never cooked or turned on a stove before in her entire life (always had maids), never cleaned anything, never drove (always had a driver), never went outside the gates of her home without bodyguards, never had to push her own childrens' strollers(round-the-clock live-in nannies), never paid bills (always had a personal assistant), to having to do those things. It was a really hard transition.

My MIL says her husband did not know what a bread knife was.
For him growing up, breakfast meant sitting at a table and ringing a bell if he wanted some more toast. It would be served.

[Anonymous]

I do know a couple of people who grew up with a father who was a COO in a company and a SAHM. McMansion, private piano and tennis lessons. The whole nine yards.

But they never really learned to work for things. Neither (this is a pair of siblings) finished college. Both dabbled in drugs. One ended up with a horrible girlfriends and fathered a couple of kids with her and now struggles to keep afloat (relying heavily on help from mom and dad). The other has a couple of kids with different fathers. She's pretty, though, and now has managed to shack up with one guy who is willing to support her because (my suspicion) is that she's kind of out of his league looks wise. But they still struggle.

The parents have also suffered some downward mobility because of excess. They had to downsize drastically and aren't living the retirement they always talked (bragged) about, in part because they are still supporting their adult 30-something kids and likely will be supporting grandkids.

I wouldn't assume all people who grew up UC or UMC have good money skills. Some really don't. I grew up blue collar, as did my husband, and we're much better with money than the people I mention above. We also value self-reliance in a way that other people I knew growing up (who had wealthier parents) just don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is an interesting question. I grew up UMC, in this area. Now, DH and I have jobs that, while not different in education level or social status, pay less than my parents' fields. We make about 170k HHI, my parents probably made the equivalent of 200k or 225k at our ages. While that doesn't sound like that big a difference, I worry that combined with the rising cost of living around here, and much higher cost of college tuition, we won't be able to provide everything to our kids that my parents provided to me.


We're in the same boat. Growing up I think my parents made around 250k, we are similarly educated and make around 120k hhi now, will probably max out about same HHI as you. We just bought a "starter" house for double what my parents paid.

Similar story. DH and I have relatively high status but low income jobs (think academics). We're totally comfortable, but live a much more middle class lifestyle than I grew up with - think neighborhood pool club rather than elite country club. I'm bummed we won't be able to afford the same travel and educational opportunities for my kids that my parents provided me, and worry about covering our retirement/potential healthcare costs, but overall we live a good life and I'm not complaining. If I were to go back in time though I might have chosen a more lucrative career.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. My parents had a very high status job when we were growing up (think Ambassadors) and we were educated in the best most exclusive schools and attended eaitiful glittering social gatherings. As such I have developed a very expensive, old money taste in everything. However, due to various circumstances, my family is now broke and I ended up marrying a middle class guy from a LMC background. Coming to terms with my current life is a daily struggle. I did always think I'd love a much more glamorous her set life with a wealthy and powerful husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is happening to my DH, born and raised in the DC area, both his parents were surgeons and invested their money very very well. They bought up real estate in now exceptional areas back when it was cheap, invested in hotels, and got in on some big IPOs. Private school all the way, first class travel for multiple vacations, very high end designer clothes, 2 homes in London, villa in Dubai, Upper East Side penthouse, housekeepers, 6 figure donations to charities, and sports cars. Due to some shady deals a relative got the parents involved in, their net worth has come down to about 7 million total.

Luckily, he is a doctor himself and with the assistance his parents provided prior to their downfall, we live debt and mortgage free so we are able to send our kids to private school and with dual incomes, we live a nice UMC lifestyle, but nowhere near how he grew up. His father used to fly him to London to buy his clothes and now he buys all his clothes from outlet malls. He's totally fine with all of this, in fact he finds it quite amusing. We're a happy little family that understands money doesn't buy happiness, but to me as a person who grew with next to nothing, this is all very interesting. I can say that I don't think I would be as well adjusted and normal as him, but I guess women process differently than men.

I love it when people with tons of money (or who benefitted from relatives with tons of money) say money doesn't buy happiness. Of course, objectively, it doesn't. But it makes it a lot easier to be happy, and a lot less stressful. You own your house free and clear, are married to a DR, work yourself, and have in-laws with a mid-high seven figure net worth, so I would imagine your financial worries amount to, "Can we fly first class for this ski trip or not?" Money doesn't buy happiness indeed. Respectfully, just pipe down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother went from being unbelievably wealthy/powerful to being middle/upper-middle class. She had never cooked or turned on a stove before in her entire life (always had maids), never cleaned anything, never drove (always had a driver), never went outside the gates of her home without bodyguards, never had to push her own childrens' strollers(round-the-clock live-in nannies), never paid bills (always had a personal assistant), to having to do those things. It was a really hard transition.

Let me guess. Persian elite that had to flee in 1979?