Cooking for visiting family awkward

[Anonymous]

But if you're at someone's house for several days, there is no "beforehand." You can't stuff the kids on Monday in case they don't like what's served on Wednesday night.

If you're talking *at the dinner table*, that's one thing -- I might tell my kid, "Take a bite or two, and if you don't like it, I'll fix you something later." But in order for me to do that, there have to be foods in the house my kid will eat.

If you are staying at someone's house for several days, there is a beforehand or afterwards, i.e. before or after they sit down to the dinner table. My sister in law picks up some fast food (because that's what she feeds her kids anyway), or gives them some bread and fruit and whatever they will eat beforehand (or afterwards). What house doesn't have bread, butter, and fruit in it (and how this is less filling that pasta with butter eludes me)? I would also find it odd to invite family over and not allow them to go into my kitchen and make a snack for themselves at whatever time was convenient for them. I do not think, however, it is unreasonable to expect small children to at least try what is put in front of them at mealtimes and I think it is rude to not teach kids from a small age to at least make a pretense of sitting at the table and sharing a meal ritual, even if they need a snack later.

[Anonymous]

I have a very picky eater, much like most of the adults in my family. When we are guests for dinner, I expect him to sit nicely at the table, eat what he likes, and say thank you to the host. I don't require him to eat foods he doesn't like.
That's fine for a meal or a day, but not OK for several days. At some point I would need to make sure he had food he would actually eat. I don't think anyone wants a starving child on their hands.
It seems to me the host is making foods she and her family likes. Trying to include foods the guests like, at least some of the time, would be a gracious thing to do as a host. If it truly offends her to make boxed mac n cheese one night as part of a meal, maybe she should stop having houseguests until she finds some who like the same things she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But if you're at someone's house for several days, there is no "beforehand." You can't stuff the kids on Monday in case they don't like what's served on Wednesday night.

If you're talking *at the dinner table*, that's one thing -- I might tell my kid, "Take a bite or two, and if you don't like it, I'll fix you something later." But in order for me to do that, there have to be foods in the house my kid will eat.

If you are staying at someone's house for several days, there is a beforehand or afterwards, i.e. before or after they sit down to the dinner table. My sister in law picks up some fast food (because that's what she feeds her kids anyway), or gives them some bread and fruit and whatever they will eat beforehand (or afterwards). What house doesn't have bread, butter, and fruit in it (and how this is less filling that pasta with butter eludes me)? I would also find it odd to invite family over and not allow them to go into my kitchen and make a snack for themselves at whatever time was convenient for them. I do not think, however, it is unreasonable to expect small children to at least try what is put in front of them at mealtimes and I think it is rude to not teach kids from a small age to at least make a pretense of sitting at the table and sharing a meal ritual, even if they need a snack later.

OK, so you're talking at the dinner table, that makes sense to me.

I am not sure it would make much difference to the OP, though -- there would still be kids in her house eating mac & cheese in lieu of shrimp stew, even if they were eating a bite of shrimp stew at the table and filling up on mac & cheese either before or after the meal. It seemed like their diet was the issue, more than their behavior.

[Anonymous]

If your guests were vegetarians, would you fuss that they do not eat meat? When we have guests for dinner or stay, I want them to be comfortable. We do not drink soda. MIL does. So DH gets her a 12 pack and everybody is happy. When my friends who are vegetarian come for dinner, I make something that they can it. It's the same with kids. You TOLD them to bring something for the kids. They DID - what is the problem beside your superior attitude?

[Anonymous]

I am not sure it would make much difference to the OP, though -- there would still be kids in her house eating mac & cheese in lieu of shrimp stew, even if they were eating a bite of shrimp stew at the table and filling up on mac & cheese either before or after the meal. It seemed like their diet was the issue, more than their behavior.

PP here, and I'm not the OP so I don't know what she's thinking, but I think I get the gist of it. In my family, growing up there was a culture that we would all sit down and try what my mother made. My brother was picky about a few things--he never really liked green vegetables or salad so my mom always had a fruit salad, and he didn't like cheese very much so my mom avoided things like mac and cheese and scalloped potatoes and typically served bread with the meal so we wouldn't starve if there was something we absolutely wouldn't eat, but in general it was a pattern that we sat down as a family, tried a variety of foods, and my mom was not a short order cook. My sister-in-law doesn't have this culture at all in her house. She gets pizza, McDonalds, microwaves a TV dinner, or gives her kids a hot dog or frozen chicken nuggets. They typically don't eat at a table, they sit in front of the TV and don't necessary all sit down as a family and eat at the same time. My husband's family was the same way growing up. When her kids are out of the house, my nieces generally eat chicken nuggets. I can see how this "culture" would be annoying to someone who is used to having a family meal, especially if the kids don't want to sit down and at least try the food and behave politely at the dinner table, even if they are picky.

My younger niece has some medical issues that have led to feeding issues, so I understand that my SIL is happy to get her to eat at all, and she gets most of her nutrition from a feeding tube and pediasure anyway, so I get that she is very lenient with that child and just happy to get her in the habit of eating at all. But my older niece has a limited palate largely because she has been catered to her whole life, and my SIL doesn't expect her to like anything "adult" so tells her she won't like it before she'll even give it a try. I get that much of pickiness and taste preference is inborn and much of it is luck of the draw, but meal habits and what is and is not considered rude is cultural. Also, there are a lot of cultures where children's palates are a lot less limited than typical American food--of course people point to the French as a prime example, but I think this is true of most European and Asian cultures. I have trouble believing that the vast majority of cases is due to sensory issues and other things out of the parents control that are severe medical issues. It certainly is for some children, but probably not most of the cases we're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, and I'm not the OP so I don't know what she's thinking, but I think I get the gist of it. In my family, growing up there was a culture that we would all sit down and try what my mother made. My brother was picky about a few things--he never really liked green vegetables or salad so my mom always had a fruit salad, and he didn't like cheese very much so my mom avoided things like mac and cheese and scalloped potatoes and typically served bread with the meal so we wouldn't starve if there was something we absolutely wouldn't eat, but in general it was a pattern that we sat down as a family, tried a variety of foods, and my mom was not a short order cook. My sister-in-law doesn't have this culture at all in her house. She gets pizza, McDonalds, microwaves a TV dinner, or gives her kids a hot dog or frozen chicken nuggets. They typically don't eat at a table, they sit in front of the TV and don't necessary all sit down as a family and eat at the same time. My husband's family was the same way growing up. When her kids are out of the house, my nieces generally eat chicken nuggets. I can see how this "culture" would be annoying to someone who is used to having a family meal, especially if the kids don't want to sit down and at least try the food and behave politely at the dinner table, even if they are picky.

I also consider having a meal together as a family to be very important, and it annoys me, for example, that my MIL, who eats over at our house often, isn't willing to sit down at the table with us and insists on eating once we've finished. That being said, what rubbed me the wrong way about OP's post was: (1) that she made it sound like she was being forced to abandon her critical family tradition because her relatives were in town for a few days and some of them weren't participating to her liking; and (2) she said it was awkward for everyone involved when really it didn't seem to bother anyone other than her; and (3) it wasn't clear if she was really upset by her family meal being disrupted or the fact that not everyone appeared to appreciate the effort she put into planning thoughtful meals. I don't really think OP needs our advice, she just needs someone to compliment her shrimp stew.

[Anonymous]

OP, this doesn't have to be awful. It really doesn't. What you did previously is just fine, up to and including instructing your son to eat what he is served. It would be nice if he was also given some of the mac and cheese so that he is not excluded from Team Kid. Is it possible that your family, when they brought mac and cheese, picked something that was easy so as not to inconvenience you? Are you saying that when they are at home, they ONLY eat chicken nuggets and mac and cheese and whatever else? My kid will eat all those things and it's certainly an easy way to please her, but at home, we also eat a variety of other things. Maybe your relatives would be more receptive to, when asked what they could bring, you saying "What do Jane and Jim eat at home when you make chicken/salmon/pasta/etc.?"

[Anonymous]

Maybe just put some whole wheat bread at the table in addition to your regular food, and they can eat that to fill up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe you made them bring their own food. You are the host, stock & cook what they like. A side dish of Kraft and a new attitude is all that is needed here.

Holy hell you are making this way harder than it needs to be.

I agree, and I think YOU are the one who made it awkward by forbidding your child to eat what they were eating. It makes it obvious that you disapprove, and that's the height of rudeness. It won't kill you all to eat it a couple times a year.

Seriously!! Sheesh, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think you should accommodate your smaller guests the same way you accommodate the larger ones. A few nights of boxed Mac and cheese is not going to ruin your family's "meal culture." Unclench.

+1

[Anonymous]

I keep a jar of plain marinara, a package of regular pasta, and chocolate syrup in my pantry. In my refrigerator, there is always milk and shredded cheese. In my freezer, I keep a bag of TJ chicken nuggets, corn, and vanilla ice cream. That way, I can always quickly whip up a kid's meal along with whatever I plan for the adults. I enjoy watching people eat heartily at my table. It's part of the joy of entertaining.