If you sat alone at lunch, how did you truly feel?

[Anonymous]

I usually sat with other minority kids or people I knew from church but I didn't sit alone as a kid.

I have sat alone a lot more as an adult while eating meals out - work trips, friends being busy.

Hopefully your kid is ok with it but it is not always a sign of being unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finding out from the teacher that my 11yo 5th grade child spent the entire year eating lunch alone is tearing at my heart. He would always say lunch was good and never mention that he was alone at the table he sat at. When I found out and asked him, he says that he was fine and didn’t need company. I wish someone would have encouraged other kids to sit with him.

I worry that I may be feeling this more deeply as I was a severely depressed teenager who made multiple attempts so this worries me that he could end up like I did. I also do not want to place unrelated pressure onto him as I was also in a different setting, neighborhood, and life circumstance. So I’m torn on how to approach this but he will also be going to middle school next year.

If you sat alone at lunch in school, did you feel like it caused you sadness or were you truly content?

The teacher should have let you know sooner so you as the parent could assess whether it was normal or okay. Does he have friends? If not try this summer to help him find his people which normally happens over shared interests - whether it is sports, arts, religion, etc...

Sorry you are sad. It sucks but he is okay now and from here on out just focus on next steps. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I often sat alone at lunch. And now I'm the adult who frequently eats out alone. There are all these posts on social about being brave or liking yourself or having supreme confidence when you dine out alone. It's just normal for me.


Ad yes, for those wondering, I have a spouse and kids, and a good job, nice house and many wonderful friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have many terrible lunch memories. Both of these are from middle school:

1. Sitting at a table all year with girls who didn't like me and openly discussed plans and parties I wasn't invited to.
2. Having no one to sit with and being in a panic to get one of limited library passes to not have to stay in the lunch room during lunch.

I am fully functional and thriving adult with a lot of friends and a great social life.

No, it is not a great feeling. But I also consider these things somewhat formative in a positive way. It really helps anyone develop empathy and an awareness of others. To this day, I'm the type of person who is always aware of someone standing just outside the circle or standing alone and will be friendly and inclusive.

Those things matter. So much that later when the kid who had been excluded in middle school finds out that one of those kids who excluded them is going to the same university as them, they decide to change plans and commit to a different university (fortunately, they had an option to choose another university). That student who excluded said her mom doesn't like a certain ethnic group. Clearly that bias transferred to her daughter. Plus, middle school is perhaps the worst part of growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out from the teacher that my 11yo 5th grade child spent the entire year eating lunch alone is tearing at my heart. He would always say lunch was good and never mention that he was alone at the table he sat at. When I found out and asked him, he says that he was fine and didn’t need company. I wish someone would have encouraged other kids to sit with him.

I worry that I may be feeling this more deeply as I was a severely depressed teenager who made multiple attempts so this worries me that he could end up like I did. I also do not want to place unrelated pressure onto him as I was also in a different setting, neighborhood, and life circumstance. So I’m torn on how to approach this but he will also be going to middle school next year.

If you sat alone at lunch in school, did you feel like it caused you sadness or were you truly content?

The teacher should have let you know sooner so you as the parent could assess whether it was normal or okay. Does he have friends? If not try this summer to help him find his people which normally happens over shared interests - whether it is sports, arts, religion, etc...

Sorry you are sad. It sucks but he is okay now and from here on out just focus on next steps. Good luck.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finding out from the teacher that my 11yo 5th grade child spent the entire year eating lunch alone is tearing at my heart. He would always say lunch was good and never mention that he was alone at the table he sat at. When I found out and asked him, he says that he was fine and didn’t need company. I wish someone would have encouraged other kids to sit with him.

I worry that I may be feeling this more deeply as I was a severely depressed teenager who made multiple attempts so this worries me that he could end up like I did. I also do not want to place unrelated pressure onto him as I was also in a different setting, neighborhood, and life circumstance. So I’m torn on how to approach this but he will also be going to middle school next year.

If you sat alone at lunch in school, did you feel like it caused you sadness or were you truly content?

So sad that the student didn't have one trusted adult to turn to to see if they could assist. But sadly, it's the reality that students don't have a trusted adult at school and in many students' experiences, they have found that their counselor will gossip a student's situation to another student instead of actually trying to help the student. And that one experience with a counselor affects their school journey for the remaining school years. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Do all the 5th graders have the same lunch period? Maybe he has one or two kids he considers friends that he would eat with, but they have different lunch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand how a teacher or lunch aid wouldn't try to address this somehow. Do they just stay out of it? I know forcing people to sit with other people or teachers makes it worse... but really I would intervene.

In what way would you intervene? I was someone with no friends and a table of girls were forced to let me sit at their table in middle school. They were the only table that didn't emphatically say no. They ignored me. They were all close, had inside jokes, sleepovers and hung out and I just ... sat there. Eventually after two years I couldn't take it and would sneak out of the lunchroom to hide out in the library. What would you have done to intervene?

+1

I think it's great to have lunch bunches or social groups as long as students are free to opt into them. Another PP posted about a special lounge. Intervening and forcing it is something else.

I'm an early commenter who said that I would intervene if I were an aide or something but now I see that would be less than ideal for the kids. I feel like there needs to be a way to make it more intentional for the kids rather than something shameful. The lunch bunch table is a good idea or even better would be counter seating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out from the teacher that my 11yo 5th grade child spent the entire year eating lunch alone is tearing at my heart. He would always say lunch was good and never mention that he was alone at the table he sat at. When I found out and asked him, he says that he was fine and didn’t need company. I wish someone would have encouraged other kids to sit with him.

I worry that I may be feeling this more deeply as I was a severely depressed teenager who made multiple attempts so this worries me that he could end up like I did. I also do not want to place unrelated pressure onto him as I was also in a different setting, neighborhood, and life circumstance. So I’m torn on how to approach this but he will also be going to middle school next year.

If you sat alone at lunch in school, did you feel like it caused you sadness or were you truly content?

So sad that the student didn't have one trusted adult to turn to to see if they could assist. But sadly, it's the reality that students don't have a trusted adult at school and in many students' experiences, they have found that their counselor will gossip a student's situation to another student instead of actually trying to help the student. And that one experience with a counselor affects their school journey for the remaining school years. Sad.

Assist how? I was one of those kids and hid in the bathroom and library. Having an adult notice this and force me to “make friends” would have made me dread lunch period even more.

[Anonymous]

Your son is a different person than you, so don't expect him to go through the exact things you did.

I sat alone at lunch from 10th-12th grade. I think it started when someone I thought was a friend offered chips to everyone but me, so I would just leave lunch early and wander the halls, go to the library, or do homework. The next year, there was just no space and I didn't feel I really knew anyone well enough to sit next to them. Sitting alone was better than possibly getting heckled. Occasionally one girl would sit with me, but she was in a lower grade and we just said hi but did not talk. I was glad she sat near me, but it was still awkward. I detested sitting alone, but I survived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have many terrible lunch memories. Both of these are from middle school:

1. Sitting at a table all year with girls who didn't like me and openly discussed plans and parties I wasn't invited to.
2. Having no one to sit with and being in a panic to get one of limited library passes to not have to stay in the lunch room during lunch.

I am fully functional and thriving adult with a lot of friends and a great social life.

No, it is not a great feeling. But I also consider these things somewhat formative in a positive way. It really helps anyone develop empathy and an awareness of others. To this day, I'm the type of person who is always aware of someone standing just outside the circle or standing alone and will be friendly and inclusive.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. My kid had the same experience a few weeks ago where friends discussed going out together and acted like she didn't exist. After advice from people here, I suggested she give them the cold shoulder and one of them realized that and when she was asked she told the girl the exact reason and how it made her feel. She told the girl that them going out was not the problem but discussing in front of her like she didn't exist was a problem. The girl apologized to her and they are back to being friends. I just hope for her that it doesn't happen again because this really affected her. Kids can be cruel unintentionally sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really struggled with understanding social cues -- didn't detect sarcasm, couldn't tell when a question was rhetorical. in some ways being alone was easier. watching these unscripted conversations 'in the wild' and trying to participate during lunch was really hard. Like speaking a foreign language hard. I too eventually found my people -- fellow nerds and academics who cut you a little slack when you answer the rhetorical question or whatever. The rare times I did sit with others I was extremely exhausted afterwards.

How are you now as an adult? Do you have friends? My kid is like you - cannot detect if someone is being sarcastic or not and keeps quiet rather than being in unscripted conversations with anyone new. She seems fine with kids she knows well but they do the talking and she listens. She is always afraid of saying the wrong thing and being laughed at - it has happened before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out from the teacher that my 11yo 5th grade child spent the entire year eating lunch alone is tearing at my heart. He would always say lunch was good and never mention that he was alone at the table he sat at. When I found out and asked him, he says that he was fine and didn’t need company. I wish someone would have encouraged other kids to sit with him.

I worry that I may be feeling this more deeply as I was a severely depressed teenager who made multiple attempts so this worries me that he could end up like I did. I also do not want to place unrelated pressure onto him as I was also in a different setting, neighborhood, and life circumstance. So I’m torn on how to approach this but he will also be going to middle school next year.

If you sat alone at lunch in school, did you feel like it caused you sadness or were you truly content?

So sad that the student didn't have one trusted adult to turn to to see if they could assist. But sadly, it's the reality that students don't have a trusted adult at school and in many students' experiences, they have found that their counselor will gossip a student's situation to another student instead of actually trying to help the student. And that one experience with a counselor affects their school journey for the remaining school years. Sad.

Assist how? I was one of those kids and hid in the bathroom and library. Having an adult notice this and force me to “make friends” would have made me dread lunch period even more.

If a counselor does not notice this and does not know how to assist, they should not be a counselor or not a school counselor. - Not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding out from the teacher that my 11yo 5th grade child spent the entire year eating lunch alone is tearing at my heart. He would always say lunch was good and never mention that he was alone at the table he sat at. When I found out and asked him, he says that he was fine and didn’t need company. I wish someone would have encouraged other kids to sit with him.

I worry that I may be feeling this more deeply as I was a severely depressed teenager who made multiple attempts so this worries me that he could end up like I did. I also do not want to place unrelated pressure onto him as I was also in a different setting, neighborhood, and life circumstance. So I’m torn on how to approach this but he will also be going to middle school next year.

If you sat alone at lunch in school, did you feel like it caused you sadness or were you truly content?

So sad that the student didn't have one trusted adult to turn to to see if they could assist. But sadly, it's the reality that students don't have a trusted adult at school and in many students' experiences, they have found that their counselor will gossip a student's situation to another student instead of actually trying to help the student. And that one experience with a counselor affects their school journey for the remaining school years. Sad.

Assist how? I was one of those kids and hid in the bathroom and library. Having an adult notice this and force me to “make friends” would have made me dread lunch period even more.

If a counselor does not notice this and does not know how to assist, they should not be a counselor or not a school counselor. - Not OP

+1
A counselor can find places for kids to sit or make up "jobs" for them and passes for them. Instead so many poor kids are busted for being where they shouldn't be because they are avoiding lunch. This is terrible.

[Anonymous]

If it “fits” that your kid was fine, then he probably is. Some people just don’t need that much external stimulation and prefer to be alone to recharge a bit. I still like to eat lunch alone and I know people think that’s weird or I’m a snob, but I need to not participate for that precious break.

- an introvert who has a few good good friends