Moving on from potential emotional affair

[Anonymous]

OP I have a male friend and we both share a lot of details about each other's lives. Our kids are similar aged, we are in the same career field, so we have a lot to talk about. I sometimes talk to him about things I do not talk to my husband about because my husband doesn't have the interest in certain things. We sometimes both complain about our spouses. On paper, does this sound sketchy? I don't know, maybe. But I can tell you there is nothing going on here behind a platonic friendship. I guess my point is, it is very possible for a man and a woman to be good friends who share and commiserate about life.

[Anonymous]

OP what motivated you to go snooping on your DH’s phone? I feel like the issue here isn’t so much what you found, which could be in many maybe most circumstances be totally innocent, but what motivated you to go looking in the first place. Context matters a lot here. What were you worried about and why? Unless you have not been w DH very long and haven’t built up trust, it sounds like there is something missing in your relationship that gave you pause and motivated you to start reading his texts. I would focus on addressing whatever those issues are instead of focusing on the texts. They are just a potential symptom of whatever it is that is not working in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Similar but opposite situation. I had a close male friend from college, we were really close and it was a unique relationship - not sexual but just a deep, platonic connection. I really withdrew from that friendship, and especially after having kids. It didn’t feel appropriate to have that type of relationship anymore with another man. I miss what that friendship was, but value my marriage more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he is in an EA with this woman and is downplaying things because you found out.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for everyone's input so far. We have had more conversations and one thing is that I have been stronger about - this is really seeming more like it really is an EA, even if you think it was "early" or "developing" or you don't think you realized consciously it was.. it has the hallmark signs the more I learn. And getting him to admit that real lines were crossed was important, to know he understands the weight of this and the affect it has on our relationship.

So as mentioned before, we're setting up therapy to look at how to move forward together and how we can rebuild trust.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone been in a similar place? Did you move on and things were okay?

If anyone has an answer to the original question of moving on from an EA, that'd be nice too.

[Anonymous]

Emotional affairs can be extremely hard to move on from, for everyone involved. There is often some serious love involved especially if the lure isn't totally sexual interactions. It's pretty hard to just stop feeling that way even if your goal is to save your marriage. The people involved in the EA are getting something pretty important to them from that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for everyone's input so far. We have had more conversations and one thing is that I have been stronger about - this is really seeming more like it really is an EA, even if you think it was "early" or "developing" or you don't think you realized consciously it was.. it has the hallmark signs the more I learn. And getting him to admit that real lines were crossed was important, to know he understands the weight of this and the affect it has on our relationship.

So as mentioned before, we're setting up therapy to look at how to move forward together and how we can rebuild trust.

If it had the hallmark signs of an EA why wouldn’t you have posted about those signs? You would have listed those things in your original post that you had seen. Seems more you are jealous / controlling.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation and I wasn’t paranoid, he was having an EA and physical affair. You know him best, and you know yourself and your judgement. If it were a harmless friendship your subconscious would not be ringing alarm bells.

[Anonymous]

Based on my experience, here is a life tip. If over the course of a long relationship, you’ve never checked your husband’s phone/email nor thought about doing it, and then one day you feel compelled to check, you know something your conscious mind hasn’t realized yet.

[Anonymous]

If it had the hallmark signs of an EA why wouldn’t you have posted about those signs? You would have listed those things in your original post that you had seen. Seems more you are jealous / controlling.

I said after talking and learning more we got to this point.

[Anonymous]

Also I didn't list everything about the situation because my question wasn't actually "is this an EA"

[Anonymous]

Marriages can come back from all sorts of crazy things but he has to come around to trying to fix it, and to put in the work. Also sorry to say but I would not assume it was an EA only. He may be admitting as little as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband was getting close with a female friend in ways that made me uncomfortable. He admitted he was feeling the same about how much they talked and shared and wanted to scale back their talking anyway so agreed to take steps to drastically reduce their messaging. They're in a friend group so it would be really difficult to cut her out entirely, and doesn't seem to be necessary at this point I think anyway.

While I'm sad that maybe he was starting to form this emotional connection, I am glad that it does seem like it hadn't gone anywhere and that maybe it's nipped in the bud. But is it? It's so hard to move on mentally or know what to do to build trust back or not just think this person and the associated friend group are bad news.

Has anyone been in a similar place? Did you move on and things were okay?

Your husband’s affair will def continue then.

Friend groups aren’t important when being part of it is trashing your married.

Your husband should revist that friend group…

I agree. I've seen where this goes with former friends and their spouses.

[Anonymous]

To come back from this, he needs to rebuild trust. You should absolutely both read “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, and then you should talk about each chapter together. It’s short but so illuminating. He also needs to stop all communication with this woman (and that’s non-negotiable).