DC is finishing freshman year and doesn't want to return

[Anonymous]

Rory Gilmore!

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Just wanted to circle back since I sort of posted and ghosted. Yes to all of you (or almost all of you). DC must have a plan. Thanks for reminding me DC need to PICK YOUR HARD! (Love that one). Agree with "go back to same school or make a plan for a different school or a different path. A clear plan. Not some made up halfway plan." Yes we have concerns about depression and social anxiety and DC actually sought help on campus so we may be continuing once home - this may include counseling and/or meds. I hadn't thought of a triggering event/trauma but wow yes I need to probe about this with my very closed of child.

Agree we need to listen carefully and not project our own college experiences onto our child. Transferring is not a big deal - in fact I'd love it if DC were attending somewhere closer to home! Thank you to the poster who told their child that they hadn't given their school a fair shot (8:51). Your post gave me a lot to think about. Maybe if they transfer it will be more of the same??? It's so hard to find the balance of how hard to push. I'd love to say give it one more semester and see where you land. Thanks for the recommendation for The Anxious Generation - I'm ordering it tonight. Thanks for reminding me that mental toughness is important and the military post also sits well with me. "sphere oc control" poster - thanks for the reminder! DC is 18 so a legal adult...who actually decided that 18 year olds are mature enough to make any kinds of decisions??

So thank you to all of you for giving me some things to consider and advice to follow.
ps - I had a great greek experience but know with 1000% certainty it's not for my DC.

[Anonymous]

Semester abroad. Internship. Courses online or at community college. If nothing else then volunteer work related to career choices.

[Anonymous]

Well, 18 year olds are legally and biologically capable of making their decisions. As modern parents we undermine their abilities and coddle them into staying immature.

[Anonymous]

If they can buy gun, vote, drive, join military, have sex, make health decisions, make babies etc then they sure can decide if their mental heath needs a semester off.

[Anonymous]

I think that forcing anyone into something that isn't working, just isn't right.

[Anonymous]

I would also worry, OP.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careersandeducation/many-gen-zers-in-their-decisive-decade-are-leaving-school-and-struggling-to-find-work-they-re-part-of-america-s-disconnected-youth/

The reality is that you have little control. Hopefully you can help tease out the reasons for the decision and go in a + direction. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP there was a thread very like this on mumsnet recently. The kid in question was taking a course with a tutor they had trouble understanding, the kid lived in a single person accommodation and spent most of their time taking classes online / catching up online. So their problems may well be very different and mostly about loneliness and a feeling of alienation. I don't have a link but if you go into the higher education section you'll find it.

[Anonymous]

I am pretty sure my freshman experienced some social 'trauma' the first semester of his freshman year. It came to a head over Christmas break when he asked if I could get a refund on tuition for spring so he could stay home. He could not specifically explain what was wrong but he was locked into the idea of transferring to a much closer school with his hs friends. It was hard and I wasn't sure if I was right, but I said he needed to go back for spring semester and we would talk about options for the next year. Not sure what happened but by April he was all in at that school he hated the first semester and is now finishing up his sophomore year and staying in that city for the summer rather than come back to be with his hs friends. I did push him and I questioned if I was doing the right thing, but he pushed past whatever the issues were and found his footing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Just wanted to circle back since I sort of posted and ghosted. Yes to all of you (or almost all of you). DC must have a plan. Thanks for reminding me DC need to PICK YOUR HARD! (Love that one). Agree with "go back to same school or make a plan for a different school or a different path. A clear plan. Not some made up halfway plan." Yes we have concerns about depression and social anxiety and DC actually sought help on campus so we may be continuing once home - this may include counseling and/or meds. I hadn't thought of a triggering event/trauma but wow yes I need to probe about this with my very closed of child.

Agree we need to listen carefully and not project our own college experiences onto our child. Transferring is not a big deal - in fact I'd love it if DC were attending somewhere closer to home! Thank you to the poster who told their child that they hadn't given their school a fair shot (8:51). Your post gave me a lot to think about. Maybe if they transfer it will be more of the same??? It's so hard to find the balance of how hard to push. I'd love to say give it one more semester and see where you land. Thanks for the recommendation for The Anxious Generation - I'm ordering it tonight. Thanks for reminding me that mental toughness is important and the military post also sits well with me. "sphere oc control" poster - thanks for the reminder! DC is 18 so a legal adult...who actually decided that 18 year olds are mature enough to make any kinds of decisions??

So thank you to all of you for giving me some things to consider and advice to follow.
ps - I had a great greek experience but know with 1000% certainty it's not for my DC.

Being a transfer student is a different kind of hard. And sometimes when you talk to student who have done it , they gloss over that and just say how the school they transferred to was a great "fit" and how much better it is.

In reality, what has happened, is the student now knows what to expect from college, and they essentially got a do over with the bonus of hindsight. The mistake is believing a do over can only happen when you leave the school. Even in a small school of a few thousand students, no one knows everyone. One can return, move on from freshman year friends, and make all new friends. Also freshman year of college is like a 5th year of high school for most with a lot of the same feelings of cliques and feeling excluded and believing that somehow the whole school knows what incidents happened. The 2nd year rolls around, a students move into different dorms, classes, clubs, and they begin to realize how many students they don't know and how many students don't know them.

[Anonymous]

All 4 years of Engineering School were a grind — for virtually every engineering student. Little time to socialize - maybe Friday night off, then back to studying on Saturday after breakfast. Students who graduated just had to tough it out.

After entering the workplace, I discovered that every engineering colleague had roughly the same experience, regardless of which E school they went to. Sometimes college just is a grind, largely without the “fun” that seems to be talked about in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. Just wanted to circle back since I sort of posted and ghosted. Yes to all of you (or almost all of you). DC must have a plan. Thanks for reminding me DC need to PICK YOUR HARD! (Love that one). Agree with "go back to same school or make a plan for a different school or a different path. A clear plan. Not some made up halfway plan." Yes we have concerns about depression and social anxiety and DC actually sought help on campus so we may be continuing once home - this may include counseling and/or meds. I hadn't thought of a triggering event/trauma but wow yes I need to probe about this with my very closed of child.

Agree we need to listen carefully and not project our own college experiences onto our child. Transferring is not a big deal - in fact I'd love it if DC were attending somewhere closer to home! Thank you to the poster who told their child that they hadn't given their school a fair shot (8:51). Your post gave me a lot to think about. Maybe if they transfer it will be more of the same??? It's so hard to find the balance of how hard to push. I'd love to say give it one more semester and see where you land. Thanks for the recommendation for The Anxious Generation - I'm ordering it tonight. Thanks for reminding me that mental toughness is important and the military post also sits well with me. "sphere oc control" poster - thanks for the reminder! DC is 18 so a legal adult...who actually decided that 18 year olds are mature enough to make any kinds of decisions??

So thank you to all of you for giving me some things to consider and advice to follow.
ps - I had a great greek experience but know with 1000% certainty it's not for my DC.

Being a transfer student is a different kind of hard. And sometimes when you talk to student who have done it , they gloss over that and just say how the school they transferred to was a great "fit" and how much better it is.

In reality, what has happened, is the student now knows what to expect from college, and they essentially got a do over with the bonus of hindsight. The mistake is believing a do over can only happen when you leave the school. Even in a small school of a few thousand students, no one knows everyone. One can return, move on from freshman year friends, and make all new friends. Also freshman year of college is like a 5th year of high school for most with a lot of the same feelings of cliques and feeling excluded and believing that somehow the whole school knows what incidents happened. The 2nd year rolls around, a students move into different dorms, classes, clubs, and they begin to realize how many students they don't know and how many students don't know them.

Not OP, but we're going through the same thing and this is pretty much exactly what my freshman said to me, they want a reset. We introduced the idea of a reset being possible at their current school and it has opened up their thinking.

DC will be home soon and I am planning our "pick your hard" conversation.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, I want to normalize that worthwhile things can be hard, but I’ve also seen kids transfer and be vastly happier. A friend of DC’s transferred halfway through freshman year and is thriving at the new school. It’s a totally different environment and clearly better for him in every way. I also have friends who left college to work and they’ve done well too.

My feeling is that it’s too much money to spend for someone can be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All 4 years of Engineering School were a grind — for virtually every engineering student. Little time to socialize - maybe Friday night off, then back to studying on Saturday after breakfast. Students who graduated just had to tough it out.

After entering the workplace, I discovered that every engineering colleague had roughly the same experience, regardless of which E school they went to. Sometimes college just is a grind, largely without the “fun” that seems to be talked about in high school.

Engineering major here ('89). This is my experience. To top it all off, I was often the only female in my class(es). Good Times.