Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just confirmed the affair 100%, sadly both EA and physical now.
Not sure what will happen with me and DH. He’s ending it, as he says he wants “us” over her. But we obv have a LOT to figure out.

But being in a world of anger and pain, I feel that AP should not get off scott free. I’m assuming she loves my DH, so his ending it will hurt. Any reason why I should not blow up her marriage as she/DH have done mine?

Just mail over the photos to his office or workplace address.

[Anonymous]

Yes.
Emailed details.
Spouse filed for divorce.

I believe they had the right to know just how long the been cheating had been going on. Particularly because they thought they’d do it until empty nest, divorce and suck ‘em dry $$$$ w/out the cheating ever being exposed. Blindside long planned.

Broke. Lost the marriage. Lost the house. Had to get a job for the first time in 20 years.

Was the sex worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, please don’t. Someone did that to my mother and it caused her a world of hurt. All these years later and they’re still married. Accomplished nothing but to devastate the world of an innocent person.

You preferred your dad to keep cheating on her and your mom to be clueless? WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, please don’t. Someone did that to my mother and it caused her a world of hurt. All these years later and they’re still married. Accomplished nothing but to devastate the world of an innocent person.

Your dad devastated her when he f”Ed another woman.

[Anonymous]

I would insist my husband tell her her husband and I would need proof he did it too. If he won't do that then he's not really ready to end it and move on with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would insist my husband tell her her husband and I would need proof he did it too. If he won't do that then he's not really ready to end it and move on with you.

Move on with you? Why would you even think that was an option?

[Anonymous]

There isn’t any benefit to you if you tell. You only have something to lose. There’s a risk to sharing about the affair.

I’d keep silent and focus on my own life.

[Anonymous]

You could confront her/call her as well. Say your piece. Tell her secret is safe. Then a few months later drop her spouse an email with all the details.

Play some psychological mind games. Go for it. She was wishing you ill or, worse death, all this time putting little voodoo hexes on you and plotting to get him to leave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, please don’t. Someone did that to my mother and it caused her a world of hurt. All these years later and they’re still married. Accomplished nothing but to devastate the world of an innocent person.

Your father was responsible for that not the woman that called.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn’t any benefit to you if you tell. You only have something to lose. There’s a risk to sharing about the affair.

I’d keep silent and focus on my own life.

Wrong answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

[Anonymous]

I just stayed friendly and slept with my ex.
But I play the long game.

Plus, it was comforting and kind of nice.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he should know.

[Anonymous]

Doing so gave me closure.

[Anonymous]

I know someone that did and it backfired on her… Tread lightly