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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm
[/quote]

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have t[i]rue agency and autonomy over his or her own life[/i]. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality. [/quote]

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older.  All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.[/quote]

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.[/quote]

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