Best friend hates my boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My boyfriend is not autistic lol. I’m also extremely tired of unqualified people putting labels on others like that.

I talked to my friend and then us together. She said she feels awkward because he’s so quiet most of the time. She is not used to me dating men like this and she has never dated anyone like this.

My boyfriend finds her annoying because she is very nosey about his job and his past jobs. She takes him not willing to answer ( he’s a fed and his job is classified) as him being dismissive and rude to her. I explained to her that I don’t even know the half of what he does yet. I think it will eventually smooth over and they will grow to like each other.

This post indicates to me that she's pretty immature, OP. Here's why:

--She can't deal with a personality type she hasn't personally experienced/dated. An adult should not "feel awkward" because someone else is "so quiet." You said earlier that she's extroverted and it sounds like she disdains anyone who isn't like her. That's an immature trait. She does not have to adore or even like him but she does need to learn that her experiences and preferences are not the standard for her friends' lives.

--She can't accept that you are not her. "She is not used to me dating men like" your boyfriend. Sounds a bit controlling, as if she thinks that you ought to find attractive the same qualities SHE finds attractive. A mature friend would not be as rattled and negative as she is, based just on the idea that he's not a type that SHE would date herself.

--She can't take no for an answer re: his work. This is a red flag that she has no respect for his word when he's said, or you've said, that the nature of his work is classified so he can't discuss it even with you, much less with her. Grown-ups in this geographic area should be entirely used to the idea that there are jobs that just cannot be discussed, are not fodder for office stories or gossip, etc. It sounds almost as if she now finds it a game to prod and challenge him about his work. Does she really not take it seriously that he could lose his job, his security clearance, etc. if he talks about his work? Again -- immature.

I am not saying to dump her. But I'd think hard about the friendship. Is it based on shared experiences in the past? Do you have a lot in common other than this issue with the boyfriend? It's a long friendship -- but does it really have deep roots in shared interests, values, etc., or have you just known each other for years and...that's it?

I'd do as some people have said and communicate with her, not with us. Tell her what you told us earlier -- that you value your friendship with her, but you need her to stop the commentary on him, and to stop asking him about his work. Tell her that as her friend, you expect her to trust your judgement in dating him, and that while he is not her type, he IS your type now that you know him.

I wouldln't necessarily try to push them to get to know each other better. Frankly they'd both be doing it just to please you and not out of a sincere desire to change their minds about each other. And please do not tell her that he said she's pushy or whatever re: his job etc. Make it about you, not him. This is about her not respecting your choice or your happiness, and her thinking that her taste should be your taste too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My boyfriend is not autistic lol. I’m also extremely tired of unqualified people putting labels on others like that.

I talked to my friend and then us together. She said she feels awkward because he’s so quiet most of the time. She is not used to me dating men like this and she has never dated anyone like this.

My boyfriend finds her annoying because she is very nosey about his job and his past jobs. She takes him not willing to answer ( he’s a fed and his job is classified) as him being dismissive and rude to her. I explained to her that I don’t even know the half of what he does yet.

I think it will eventually smooth over and they will grow to like each other.

You're dreaming.
Now I know not to take this post seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My boyfriend is not autistic lol. I’m also extremely tired of unqualified people putting labels on others like that.

I talked to my friend and then us together. She said she feels awkward because he’s so quiet most of the time. She is not used to me dating men like this and she has never dated anyone like this.

My boyfriend finds her annoying because she is very nosey about his job and his past jobs. She takes him not willing to answer ( he’s a fed and his job is classified) as him being dismissive and rude to her. I explained to her that I don’t even know the half of what he does yet. I think it will eventually smooth over and they will grow to like each other.

Not the PP who wrote that, but it def sounds like he's on the spectrum to me too.

I think you know that too, or else you wouldn't be getting so defensive and passive aggressive about it ("lol").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is similar to your bf OP. They make great husbands!

I mean this is just a crap thing that happens sometimes. Its chicks before d*cks until you meet the guy who becomes your family and then its your family before anything else.

Your friend is either misjudging the situation (ie, doesn't think you'll marry and she can wait this out) or she doesn't understand what it feels like when you're on the other side of this divide. Regardless, this is kind of on her. You should tell her it bothers you, but she's either going to change or she's not. And you're not going to blow up the relationship that you believe is the one over this so either she'll turn it around or your friendship will fade as this drives a wedge that will become impossible to overcome. And to be clear there's not much YOU can do to prevent that. You will resent her if she causes a breakup or if she refuses to let you be open about that part of your life, even if you want to go out of your way to make the friendship better.

Lots of people lose friends this way! It sucks, and its why I personally never talk crap about my friend's significant others unless there is some like, REAL big concern.

He doesn't sound like he'll be a great husband at all... did you hear the adjectives she used to describe him?

Rude was used more than a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you admit he's rude, and that you didn't like him yourself. But you're upset your best friend notices these things? You're in the wrong here.

OP here. Cold is a better word to use than rude. He’s very polite and respectful but she has said the fact that he never talks to her unless she speaks is rude. He will greet her but he just sort of is in the background of most conversations unless it’s something he knows a lot about. Then he’s a big talker.

Sounds like your best friend is an insecure extrovert. As an introvert, I love driving those people crazy with my listening skills.

Keep telling yourself that. 🫣

If you were as confident as you claim, you wouldn't be intentionally "driving anyone crazy".
That's not what happy, confident people do.

It's what calculating, insecure people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My boyfriend is not autistic lol. I’m also extremely tired of unqualified people putting labels on others like that.

I talked to my friend and then us together. She said she feels awkward because he’s so quiet most of the time. She is not used to me dating men like this and she has never dated anyone like this.

My boyfriend finds her annoying because she is very nosey about his job and his past jobs. She takes him not willing to answer ( he’s a fed and his job is classified) as him being dismissive and rude to her. I explained to her that I don’t even know the half of what he does yet. I think it will eventually smooth over and they will grow to like each other.

This post indicates to me that she's pretty immature, OP. Here's why:

--She can't deal with a personality type she hasn't personally experienced/dated. An adult should not "feel awkward" because someone else is "so quiet." You said earlier that she's extroverted and it sounds like she disdains anyone who isn't like her. That's an immature trait. She does not have to adore or even like him but she does need to learn that her experiences and preferences are not the standard for her friends' lives.

--She can't accept that you are not her. "She is not used to me dating men like" your boyfriend. Sounds a bit controlling, as if she thinks that you ought to find attractive the same qualities SHE finds attractive. A mature friend would not be as rattled and negative as she is, based just on the idea that he's not a type that SHE would date herself.

--She can't take no for an answer re: his work. This is a red flag that she has no respect for his word when he's said, or you've said, that the nature of his work is classified so he can't discuss it even with you, much less with her. Grown-ups in this geographic area should be entirely used to the idea that there are jobs that just cannot be discussed, are not fodder for office stories or gossip, etc. It sounds almost as if she now finds it a game to prod and challenge him about his work. Does she really not take it seriously that he could lose his job, his security clearance, etc. if he talks about his work? Again -- immature.

I am not saying to dump her. But I'd think hard about the friendship. Is it based on shared experiences in the past? Do you have a lot in common other than this issue with the boyfriend? It's a long friendship -- but does it really have deep roots in shared interests, values, etc., or have you just known each other for years and...that's it?

I'd do as some people have said and communicate with her, not with us. Tell her what you told us earlier -- that you value your friendship with her, but you need her to stop the commentary on him, and to stop asking him about his work. Tell her that as her friend, you expect her to trust your judgement in dating him, and that while he is not her type, he IS your type now that you know him.

I wouldln't necessarily try to push them to get to know each other better. Frankly they'd both be doing it just to please you and not out of a sincere desire to change their minds about each other. And please do not tell her that he said she's pushy or whatever re: his job etc. Make it about you, not him. This is about her not respecting your choice or your happiness, and her thinking that her taste should be your taste too.

I think this PP nailed it. OP, your BF is military and works in a classified job - something that he obviously take very seriously. Your BFF is actually a b**ch for not respecting and appreciating that there are things your BF just cannot talk about - she can't let it go and wants to harp on it.

[Anonymous]

She’s got a secret thing for him and it drives her nuts that he won’t give her the time of day.

[Anonymous]

I know I’m a little late to this thread but every time I’ve seen friends not like the partner the friends have always been right. (I’m a guy if that makes a difference) Three times in my life I’ve been in a situation where the friends can’t understand why thier friend is with someone and it ended in divorce. My theory is that the person in the relationship just wants to get married (it’s been both guys and girls) and they can’t see past that. Maybe the best thing to do is try to see it from your friends perspective and see if the relationship looks the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is similar to your bf OP. They make great husbands!

I mean this is just a crap thing that happens sometimes. Its chicks before d*cks until you meet the guy who becomes your family and then its your family before anything else.

Your friend is either misjudging the situation (ie, doesn't think you'll marry and she can wait this out) or she doesn't understand what it feels like when you're on the other side of this divide. Regardless, this is kind of on her. You should tell her it bothers you, but she's either going to change or she's not. And you're not going to blow up the relationship that you believe is the one over this so either she'll turn it around or your friendship will fade as this drives a wedge that will become impossible to overcome. And to be clear there's not much YOU can do to prevent that. You will resent her if she causes a breakup or if she refuses to let you be open about that part of your life, even if you want to go out of your way to make the friendship better.

Lots of people lose friends this way! It sucks, and its why I personally never talk crap about my friend's significant others unless there is some like, REAL big concern.

He doesn't sound like he'll be a great husband at all... did you hear the adjectives she used to describe him?

Rude was used more than a few times.

My husband is quiet and friends and family have thought his lack of engagement rude at times. He talks to me! And that's all I need! OP has repeated that she does not think he is rude. People are just uncomfortable with quiet people. There's a lid for every pot though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your friend single? She sounds jealous.

Jealous AF