How much does a contested divorce actually cost?

[Anonymous]

My divorce in MD was contested and cost about $200,000 for the first settlement (split about 50/50). After he stopped paying alimony and child support, I had to spend another $40,000 to go back to court and have his salary garnished. I was not working at the time, so the attorney fees came out of our joint assets. I had to pay for the entire $40k when we went back to court. Initial settlement would have been 50/50, but he spent down our assets maliciously while we were separated, so I got about 70% of the remaining assets, including 100% of our IRAs. I think this was very unusual, and the high costs were related to his high income level and the complexities of the case.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, especially the youngest? I'm guessing that if you've been married twenty years, the youngest is at least in high school and child support won't last for long.

There's really no reason to hire a lawyer and waste money that could go to you and the kids on that. Just offer 50/50 split of marital assets and child custody, assuming at least one of your kids is still under the age of 18.

Things you'll need to spell out in addition to the above: College expenses for kids, who carries them on health insurance, who claims them for taxes, whether you can afford a house that is big enough for all that are still at home, extraordinary expenses like special camps and travel sport teams, and so on.

Once you file for divorce, he can't actually stop you from going through with it. So, you don't need a lawyer to make him comply. In DC, you can use the mediators they have on staff and they are incredibly competent and helpful. This is what I did in my divorce even though we could have afforded to pay lawyers. (I'm a lawyer myself.) I just got a feel for what is the standard settlement and worked from there. You need to put some thought into things like how you want to handle holidays and schedules for when the kids are with you or him. Make sure to give yourself a full two weeks in the summers for times you want to vacation with them. My sister failed to do this and her ex would constantly block her ability to travel by asserting his every other weekend rights. Also, be careful about dividing vehicles. If you owe a balance on a vehicle, make arrangements for it to be paid off before it is allocated to you, unless you're fine with making the payments yourself.

My current partner got screwed by the Maryland courts in his divorce. They awarded the ex wife who had been a SAHM with their two kids half of all of his assets, not just what he'd earned during the marriage. Be careful to avoid that by drawing up clear financial documents for the court to review.

Child support is based on a formula in DC, but it tops out at about $150K or so, which doesn't provide much guidance to middle class families. MD might be the same. I don't know how it works when one spouse how no income history though.

You'd be wise to consider getting yourself a job before filing anything. You'll have to do this anyhow, but it will be harder when you're on your own. Use family assets to pay for any credentials or training you might need ASAP.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a martyr.

You didn't 'need' to step off your job track so your DH could focus on his. You wanted to; you and he may have decided together it would make your overall lives easier. You benefited from you staying home, because you just didn't have to work as much, be as busy, and hustle as much as if you had stayed working. Men and women work full time all the time with kids. Staying home and working PT is an unnecessary luxury.

Second, your DH can handle 50% schedule. You are not the only person on planet earth who can meet your teenage children's needs. Given your 20 year marriage, why would any of your children need a nanny?? Even if they did, why is this a reason for your DH to not get 50/50? Nannies and childcare are fine; tons of people augment raising their kids with outsourcing.

Move past thinking of yourself as the martyr, the only good parent, the one who deserves money and children.

Accept 50/50 and save yourself $100k. And move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a martyr.

You didn't 'need' to step off your job track so your DH could focus on his. You wanted to; you and he may have decided together it would make your overall lives easier. You benefited from you staying home, because you just didn't have to work as much, be as busy, and hustle as much as if you had stayed working. Men and women work full time all the time with kids. Staying home and working PT is an unnecessary luxury.

Second, your DH can handle 50% schedule. You are not the only person on planet earth who can meet your teenage children's needs. Given your 20 year marriage, why would any of your children need a nanny?? Even if they did, why is this a reason for your DH to not get 50/50? Nannies and childcare are fine; tons of people augment raising their kids with outsourcing.

Move past thinking of yourself as the martyr, the only good parent, the one who deserves money and children.

Accept 50/50 and save yourself $100k. And move on.

You act like the partner who is working doesn't benefit from having a SAHP. Which is completely insane. I would have loved to be the bread winner but my earning potential was not very high. I would much rather work 10 hours a day, come home to a clean house, cooked meal, rarely do laundry and just get to enjoy my kids like my partner does. I would love to not bear the brunt of 99% of our SN kid's issues. I would love to be able to accept invitations for happy hours or dinners without thinking about it because my partner is our rock, keeping the family together. You all act like working FT with a SAH spouse is soooo hard. No, it's a wonderful luxury to be able to focus on your career too. We both chose a lower-stress life where we each sacrifice and we each benefit. If you don't see it as a team, you shouldn't be married and you absolutely shouldn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Recently got divorced in Maryland and it cost me about 5K total. I initiated the divorce by filing with the court myself (I am not a lawyer, anyone can do this), xspouse didn't want it and hired expensive lawyers to fight me, I hired a reasonable priced lawyer and told them to just get it done asap. Not dragging out the fight (and expense) was worth giving up some of the things I wanted. In the end we mostly split kids and assets 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a martyr.

You didn't 'need' to step off your job track so your DH could focus on his. You wanted to; you and he may have decided together it would make your overall lives easier. You benefited from you staying home, because you just didn't have to work as much, be as busy, and hustle as much as if you had stayed working. Men and women work full time all the time with kids. Staying home and working PT is an unnecessary luxury.

Second, your DH can handle 50% schedule. You are not the only person on planet earth who can meet your teenage children's needs. Given your 20 year marriage, why would any of your children need a nanny?? Even if they did, why is this a reason for your DH to not get 50/50? Nannies and childcare are fine; tons of people augment raising their kids with outsourcing.

Move past thinking of yourself as the martyr, the only good parent, the one who deserves money and children.

Accept 50/50 and save yourself $100k. And move on.

You act like the partner who is working doesn't benefit from having a SAHP. Which is completely insane. I would have loved to be the bread winner but my earning potential was not very high. I would much rather work 10 hours a day, come home to a clean house, cooked meal, rarely do laundry and just get to enjoy my kids like my partner does. I would love to not bear the brunt of 99% of our SN kid's issues. I would love to be able to accept invitations for happy hours or dinners without thinking about it because my partner is our rock, keeping the family together. You all act like working FT with a SAH spouse is soooo hard. No, it's a wonderful luxury to be able to focus on your career too. We both chose a lower-stress life where we each sacrifice and we each benefit. If you don't see it as a team, you shouldn't be married and you absolutely shouldn't have kids.

I didn't say the working partner didn't also benefit from having an easier life. They both benefit from having an easier life. But women who lean out of work need to stop saying that the only reason they did that was to support their spouse's career. That's just not true. You did it so that you and your spouse could have less stress. SAHMs need to stop acting like they don't benefit from staying home. If they didn't benefit, women would never choose to stay home and put themselves in a financially precarious position.