How can I explain to good friends who don’t understand SNs why a weekend trip is not possible for my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

Your husband doesn’t get to decide what you share with your friends. Those conversations are some of the most private and intimate of my life. Why does he get to dictate this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

The children -- and you -- have to live in this world and while you don't have to tell everyone you meet, surely having a close friend or two know could help everyone involved figure out ways to both make sure you and your kids aren't isolated and struggling through it all alone.

[Anonymous]

I have never regretted sharing our asd diagnosis nor judged another parent when they have shared their diagnosis. It makes life so much easier for general understanding and normalizing. While before I would judge a parent on food intake, knowing it’s not their parenting but necessary makes me check myself. When I talk openly about our struggles it helps our friends too as they deal with their own kids behaviors. That’s not to say that a diagnosis gets you a free pass, but knowing it’s not something you can control or punish a child to get a better behavior helps

[Anonymous]

I would recommend reading (or even just looking up the Ted Talk) from Brene Brown. She talks about vulnerability and perfectionism.

The short version is that the only route to true connection is letting go of perfectionism and that what makes our friends loves us is our vulnerability.

I’m having a hard time even imagining what your “friendships” look like with other moms if you aren’t talking about such a massive part of your life. They must not be very deep friendships?

I am with you on the travel thing though. We don’t travel with other families who have kids our age. It upsets me too much. What I find most enjoyable though is sitting with girlfriends and talking about our lives and it makes me sad to imagine your life without that.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is wrong imo.

You cannot keep this a secret forever, and like some have said already, they likely already know.

Thick skin will make your life easier. I won’t apologize for dc’s issues.

That said, most people won’t get it.

[Anonymous]

You could use some understanding and support from friends. Yes, some unfortunately fade away ,but the ones who remain are a tremendous support and sounding board. His anxiety over others knowing, should not result in you being isolated and unsupported.

For your friends and the weekend away I would keep it honest and brief - Sorry, but our household of neurodivergents struggle with weekends away and routine changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies. My husband is adamant I not share the diagnosis with friends. He says it’s none of their business, it’s deeply personal information that we cannot control once shared, and he doesn’t want judgement, pity, or any sympathy from people who don’t get it. He also doesn’t want the kids being judged.

Judging your kids against NT kids is an issue and sets them up for failure.

+1. This is a huge red flag that your husband has issues he needs to work through. This has a strong potential to lead to greater problems between you, your husband, and kids. Do you think he’s in denial?

Op here. He is frustrated and angry about our kids and their diagnoses. I also have ADHD, as does my mom, and he seems to blame me for our kids and their challenges. He also repeatedly tells me how hard it is for him because me and the kids are all off in lalaland (his perspective) and he’s the only one who he thinks is paying attention to time, schedules, planning, household chores, etc. That is not true, and while I have always struggled with time blindness I try very hard to be attuned to the clock, the schedule we have, etc. He says he feels crazy living with all of us.

And actually I don’t think my friends know, I think they probably just think we are overbearing parents. One friend I see very infrequently and the other is usually socializing when we see each other at larger get togethers and usually pays little attention to what the kids are doing because hers can manage being unsupervised. I have alluded to the fact that our kids have challenging and we are working through issues but haven’t gotten more specific. I just think they do not get it, because their children are NT.

I don't know you but this is a lot and I want the best for you and your children. If you aren't already seeing a therapist, please find one. Also are you medicated for your ADHD?

[Anonymous]

This is definitely a husband problem. There have been discussions on here before about who you share your kids’ diagnoses with - but if you can’t share them with your close friends, who can you share with? I don’t think you need to go deep into the weeds/specifics - but I think being open leads to more understanding and openness, not more judgment.

[Anonymous]

I would not share but say now is not a good to travel but you need to work on those behaviors or it’s only going to get worse and harder to address as they are older. Maybe consider aba if your insurance covers it. Sone kids just take longer but with lots of time and patience most, not all kids can improve their behavior. Work on one thing at a time. Picky eating is no big deal but they need to learn to sit at the table to eat.

[Anonymous]

I would also gently suggest that DH may not be as normal and neurotypical as he thinks. If we assume he’s not just a jerk, his behavior includes some pretty big red flags for anxiety including the fears about what could happen, the need to manage those fears by controlling everything, etc.. Another reason to consider therapy to help him get some better coping strategies in place and keep his anxiety from running all of your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never regretted sharing our asd diagnosis nor judged another parent when they have shared their diagnosis. It makes life so much easier for general understanding and normalizing. While before I would judge a parent on food intake, knowing it’s not their parenting but necessary makes me check myself. When I talk openly about our struggles it helps our friends too as they deal with their own kids behaviors. That’s not to say that a diagnosis gets you a free pass, but knowing it’s not something you can control or punish a child to get a better behavior helps

Some people are pure mean. It’s no one’s business. You’ve been lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the less you go on trips though, the less exposure your kids will have to doing this differently and being more flexible.

We have tried this. We went to the beach this summer (just our fam) and one or both of the kids had daily meltdowns. Most days we didn’t get to the beach til 11. We tried eating out and DD cried because the pizza was not the kind she liked and the music was too loud. They can’t even eat Mac and cheese if it’s not the preferred type.

We used to feed our picky kid before we went out so if they wanted to eat more, great and if not they were not hungry. Even if it was good they liked we’d always give a snack before to prevent the wait meltdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never regretted sharing our asd diagnosis nor judged another parent when they have shared their diagnosis. It makes life so much easier for general understanding and normalizing. While before I would judge a parent on food intake, knowing it’s not their parenting but necessary makes me check myself. When I talk openly about our struggles it helps our friends too as they deal with their own kids behaviors. That’s not to say that a diagnosis gets you a free pass, but knowing it’s not something you can control or punish a child to get a better behavior helps

Some people are pure mean. It’s no one’s business. You’ve been lucky.

I mean, pick your poison for most of us. If a kid won’t sit at the table, won’t listen, won’t play, is melting down, you can either give an explanation, or expect that they think you’re a terrible parent and your kid is awful and you’re doing nothing about it. I guess some people could not want to be around a kid with asd, but those same people might also just not want to be around a terribly behaved kid.
You decide whether you want to control your narrative.

[Anonymous]

Please tell your friends how much you wish you could go but that you are dealing with medical issues with your children that prevents overnight trips. Suggest a local park outing or something you could do when they are available. Good luck to you! There are many parents on this board who totally understand. I hope you find real-life friends with kids with SN as that really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never regretted sharing our asd diagnosis nor judged another parent when they have shared their diagnosis. It makes life so much easier for general understanding and normalizing. While before I would judge a parent on food intake, knowing it’s not their parenting but necessary makes me check myself. When I talk openly about our struggles it helps our friends too as they deal with their own kids behaviors. That’s not to say that a diagnosis gets you a free pass, but knowing it’s not something you can control or punish a child to get a better behavior helps

Some people are pure mean. It’s no one’s business. You’ve been lucky.

DP. Well, my good friends are not “pure mean” or I wouldn’t be good friends with them.

Having people to confide in is really helpful.