Those who used a donor egg and/or older mothers, are you happy with decision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a donor egg baby at 45. We are ecstatically happy. The only regret we have is that it took so long.

Why not just adopt? It’s not your baby either way.

Clueless much?

[Anonymous]

Seriously. What a colossally ignorant, tone deaf thing to say.

[Anonymous]

BBT wrote:I am looking to hear experiences as I know no one who has used a donor egg and we have very few parents in our friend group. After the child is born, how often do you think about not sharing a genetic link?

If you were in your 40s when you had a child, are you glad you did it? We do not have children and I am 43. I worry about not having the energy to be a parent and worry about being in my 60s when the child graduates from high school.

Had my daughter at 43 with donor egg. She is amazing. Hardly ever think about not having genetic match (she has my husband's though). She is 6 and I do want to start talking about it in some way so there no surprises. My family knows. We told them right after she was born - kinda in a joking way, like they said - she looks like you - and I just responded well, you should know she is not genetically related to us. Some friends know and some don't.

Shes the best thing ever. I can't even imagine if she had my genes. I feel like I got the best of someone else and I am so grateful.

[Anonymous]

Had all 3 of my children at 40, 42 and 44, respectively, did not use donor eggs, but I remember thinking when my first was born that he could have been a Martian and I would not have cared - they arrive and you just love them so much. And in the DC area most of the parents have kids in their late 30s and 40s, you won’t be seen as an ‘older mom’. Women are not living in the ‘Golden Girls’ era anymore, we have a lot of life building left to live in our 40s, 50s 60s, even though *some people* clearly have a hard time accepting that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a donor egg baby at 45. We are ecstatically happy. The only regret we have is that it took so long.

Why not just adopt? It’s not your baby either way.

1) except that in the case of egg donation it's still genetically the spouse's baby.
2) adoption is fraught with peril and uncertainty-- I had a friend whose first placement was taken back when the birth mom changed her mind.
3) For foreign adoptions there may be ethical considerations about financially contributing to state-sanctioned exploitation of poor parents
4) There are ethical considerations about raising children outside of their culture
5) many adoption orgs have age restrictions in place

There is no "just" about adoption.

--an adoptee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Had my daughter at 43 with donor egg. She is amazing. Hardly ever think about not having genetic match (she has my husband's though). She is 6 and I do want to start talking about it in some way so there no surprises. My family knows. We told them right after she was born - kinda in a joking way, like they said - she looks like you - and I just responded well, you should know she is not genetically related to us. Some friends know and some don't.

Shes the best thing ever. I can't even imagine if she had my genes. I feel like I got the best of someone else and I am so grateful.

As the parent of a donor conceived child, your daughter should be told now. Particularly given the amount of friends and family that know. Stop putting it off.

[Anonymous]

I was in an infertility group where several families ended up using donor egg. Most of us ladies were in our early 40's to one or two being 50. All of us ended up conceiving (I used IVF with donor sperm). We all still get together and everyone is happy with our outcomes and have the same ups and downs and energy levels as most parents now a days. The donor egg conceived children look shockingly like their mothers (and fathers).

I agree with a previous poster - the sooner you tell your child about donor conception the better. I have shared details with my child from age 3 on. We talk about how I had help having her. It takes sperm plus egg to make a baby, a doctor helped me, etc. The kids that have trouble adjusting are the ones that were surprised by finding out - maybe later on through DNA testing or what not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a donor egg baby at 45. We are ecstatically happy. The only regret we have is that it took so long.

Why not just adopt? It’s not your baby either way.

1) except that in the case of egg donation it's still genetically the spouse's baby.
2) adoption is fraught with peril and uncertainty-- I had a friend whose first placement was taken back when the birth mom changed her mind.
3) For foreign adoptions there may be ethical considerations about financially contributing to state-sanctioned exploitation of poor parents
4) There are ethical considerations about raising children outside of their culture
5) many adoption orgs have age restrictions in place

There is no "just" about adoption.

--an adoptee

+1.

Adoption is far more complex than people realize.

[Anonymous]

I never understand why it matters to people that they will be in their 60s when the child graduates from high school. What does that mean to you, OP?

I think about my DE daughter’s genes pretty often, actually, but not at all in a negative way. She’s completely mine.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the person above who said "parenthood isn't encoded in DNA".

I haven't researched the science but I wonder if the reason why DE kids look like their moms is also strongly related to development. Clearly it's true that humans can share and teach each other facial expressions, body posture, and gestures. So in addition to coincidental or intentional similarities like hair and eye color of donor, kids are learning facial expressions from the mom that bore them. And that strengthens the resemblance and truly makes them even more your kid in looks.

I like to read general science articles about "mirror neurons" Thread readers might look into that if interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the person above who said "parenthood isn't encoded in DNA".

I haven't researched the science but I wonder if the reason why DE kids look like their moms is also strongly related to development. Clearly it's true that humans can share and teach each other facial expressions, body posture, and gestures. So in addition to coincidental or intentional similarities like hair and eye color of donor, kids are learning facial expressions from the mom that bore them. And that strengthens the resemblance and truly makes them even more your kid in looks.

I like to read general science articles about "mirror neurons" Thread readers might look into that if interested.

My DE daughter and I have the same laugh and sense of humor.

We started reading this book together when she was in preschool: https://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Was-Your-Tummy-Big/dp/0979276101

She’s in college now. I have asked her about her interest in finding the donor. She always replies, “no, I have my mom,” and hugs me.

[KaylieMoses]

My friend was 42 when they had their baby, and her partner was somewhat younger. Yes, sometimes age can create some challenges, but that did not stop them from being loving and caring parents. Moreover, with age, they both became more patient and wiser, which, in fact, can be useful for parenting.
Every experience is unique, and what works for one may not work for another.