Close friend found out she can't conceive

[Anonymous]

I don't want to get into all the details (she doesn't want to do IVF; she's tried clomid, etc.). She's heartbroken. What kinds of things can I say to her that might be comforting?

[Anonymous]

That it's okay to grieve.

After she's grieved for awhile, remind her that there are other options out there -adoption, childfree living.

But before anything else, please just listen and let her cry.

[Anonymous]

I could not function after my last IUI failed b/c I thought I couldn't conceive. We couldn't afford IVF and my husband didn't want to adopt. I thought we were going to be childless b/c I couldn't see any other options. I couldn't go to work for several days I was so catatonic.

Then, I slowly I began to see other ways to parent or ways I could deal with not being a parent. My husband and I took classes to become foster parents, although in the end we decided that wasn't the route for us. We began making lists of all the things we were going to do without children: travel, retire earlier, etc. Then, my husband was suddenly given a well-paying part-time job and suddenly money was no longer stopping us from doing IVF. We did IVF and now I am 6.5 weeks pregnant with twins.

When I was in my devasted state, the best thing people did for me was just be there, acknowledging my grief and NOT telling me it "was going to be okay". When I finally got out of the deepest parts of the hole, they helped me to see options. Maybe you can help her those options down the road.

[Anonymous]

No---do NOT remind her that there are options out there like adoption. Trust me, women who cannot conceive are well aware that adoption is out there. I have been through rounds of IUI, IVF, surgery, etc. I am so SICK of my well-meaning friends who had no trouble conceiving their 2.5 biological children asking me if we are considering adoption---as if the idea has never crossed my mind.

Okay--this is somewhat of a rant--but I resent the implicit societal assumption that if a woman can't conceive she should automatically leap to adoption. Right now, I want my own biological children. If I can't have those children, then that's another analysis altogether----do we want the experience of being parents enough to then devote years of energy to the pursuit of adoption---or do we want to take our lives in another direction---be a happy childless couple pursuing our careers with lots of freedom to travel, etc. Some of the happiest marriages I know are between people who chose not to have (or adopt) children.

Don't suggest anything to your friend right now aside from expressing your unconditional love and support. That's what she needs--not facile, well-intended, but ultimately trite advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No---do NOT remind her that there are options out there like adoption. Trust me, women who cannot conceive are well aware that adoption is out there. I have been through rounds of IUI, IVF, surgery, etc. I am so SICK of my well-meaning friends who had no trouble conceiving their 2.5 biological children asking me if we are considering adoption---as if the idea has never crossed my mind.

Okay--this is somewhat of a rant--but I resent the implicit societal assumption that if a woman can't conceive she should automatically leap to adoption. Right now, I want my own biological children. If I can't have those children, then that's another analysis altogether----do we want the experience of being parents enough to then devote years of energy to the pursuit of adoption---or do we want to take our lives in another direction---be a happy childless couple pursuing our careers with lots of freedom to travel, etc. Some of the happiest marriages I know are between people who chose not to have (or adopt) children.

Don't suggest anything to your friend right now aside from expressing your unconditional love and support. That's what she needs--not facile, well-intended, but ultimately trite advice.

I was the one who mentioned bringing up adoption further down the road. I, myself, have been TTC for several years and have gone on to watch my friends succeed while my body fails me. From my perspective, after I had grieved for awhile, it did help me to have friends (not the ones who say stupid things like, "Just relax and you'll get pregnant") and sympathetic family members remind me of adoption. When we were trying to figure out if it was a viable option for us, it helped to hear people whose opinions I valued (and who had always been attentive to our situation) say that they also saw this as a natural (albeit) different way to form a family. I do think, though, when I was in the depths of grief, I just needed someone to let me be tearful and angry and sad. I am sorry if my post didn't indicate this.

I truly didn't mean to offend any of my fellow TTCers. To 10:22, please know that I didn't intend to cause you any pain with my suggestion.

[Anonymous]

And don't just say "well you never know, it could happen..." which is possible. I was told that I probably couldn't carry children and that I should consider surrogacy, which was financially not possible for us. In the end, I did get pregnant via IVF, despite being given virtually no odds of being able to carry a child. Now, I'm pregnant with my second child...naturally. Go figure. I can't tell you how many people have said "well, it happened, b/c you were relaxed." No, I got pregnant b/c my medical issues changed --- didn't get better, but changed, after my daughter was born.

Anyway, I still am irked when people comment about my infertility. It was real, and it was a miracle I got pregnant with #1 let alone #2.

As other posters have said, just be supportive and ask if there is anything you can do to help her grieve.