Advice Re In-Law Divorce
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Anonymous
| My brother is divorcing my sister-in-law after 19 years of marriage. My brother is probably "mostly to blame" in the divorce. Although my sister-in-law and I have been close and communicated regularly over the years (despite living across country from each other), she currently is not speaking to me. I know she is hurting and angry. Is she angry that I have kept in contact with my brother and tried to be supportive of him? Is it just too painful for her to respond to me right now? If you have been in her shoes, do you have any advice? I love both my brother and (soon to be former) sister-in-law and would like to support them both, but I don't know if that is possible. Thanks so much. |
Anonymous
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I don't know why she's angry--only she knows. And it might just be that she needs space and time, and your brother's family is not the best source of support for her right now. Your loyalties are divided, at best.
The best you can do is send her a letter, explaining that you love her and care about her and you are thinking of her during this difficult time. You understand if she needs space right now, but you want her to know that you will be there for her if asks. Then let it go. |
Anonymous
| Once my brothers divorced, I never saw or heard from my sils again. I think sometimes those relationships are a casualty of divorce. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for the reality check. In my naivete, it actually didn't occur to me that we couldn't remain friendly...I wrote a letter like the PP described and didn't hear anything back. |
Anonymous
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I think she needs time to separate and be herself without him or his family. I don't think this means you will never be friends again, but she needs time to heal and determine what sort of relationship she wants with you going forward.
Personally I think you sound like a really nice person to want to maintain the relationship -- she might have anticipated you will take his side. I'd leave the door open and let her come to you when she's ready. |
Anonymous
| If you have already written a loving letter and she hasn't replied, I would just give her some space. Send her a loving birthday card and a holiday card and otherwise just let her be. This may be incredibly painful for her and hearing from her husband's family may trigger really bad feelings right now. In a few years, when she's in a better place (hopefully) she may appreciate your concern and affection more. |
Anonymous
| OP here again. Thanks PPs for the sensitive and wise advice. We have a small extended family and she is my only sister-in-law so it is difficult to hear the perspective that she might (only might) seek out a relationship of some kind with me (and my children) again -- and even then -- it might not be for a few years! But it is good for me to hear of that possibility instead of wondering about it as each week goes by. I feel such a sense of loss that she has disappeared from my life so quickly, but if I thought about it from her perspective, it makes sense. She must be incredibly angry with my brother and if I am supporting him in any way, it is probably perceived as support for the divorce and a rejection of her. Her birthday is coming up so I will send a gift and note and try to keep reaching out periodically, but not too often..... |
Anonymous
| I can't imagine it's personal - you have a strong association (and could be perceived to favor) someone who has done her great harm. |