What to say to dying grandfather?

[Anonymous]

My grandfather is not expected to live more than another week or two. I'm going to visit him tomorrow. I guess this is a stupid question, but what do I say? Should I just act like everything is normal and chit-chat? We see each other regularly. The last few times I saw him he was very weak and did not speak much. When he did, it was very hard to understand him, so I just nodded and smiled a lot, which I'm sure is frustrating for him. I don't want to do that if this is The last time I'll see him. I also don't want him to think I'm uncomfortable or anything.

Also, how do I explain his death to my almost 3-year old, who knows him and will ask about his absence? We are religious (Catholic), but I don't think she has any concept of heaven.

[Anonymous]

OP here. what if I start to cry? Should I try to hold it back?

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him you love him, and thank him for being an important part of your life. You can talk about a strong and special memory you have of time you spent together. But I also think just bring there, holding his hand and yes, smiling and nodding is just fine.

[Anonymous]

Tell him what's new in your life and ask about his. Talk about all of the wonderful memories you have together and how much he means to you. And of course that you love him.

[Anonymous]

^^ being there.

I know people have different feelings about this, but I yhink it's just fine to cry. It reflects your love for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him you love him, and thank him for being an important part of your life. You can talk about a strong and special memory you have of time you spent together. But I also think just bring there, holding his hand and yes, smiling and nodding is just fine.

I agree.

For your 3yo, the book Badger's Parting Gifts is lovely.

[Anonymous]

I'm jealous, OP. My grandparents died when I was quite a bit younger, couldn't accept it in the same way an adult can and was too immature to say goodbye. They knew I loved them, but I would give anything to say it a final time. Go for broke.

[Anonymous]

You tell him you love him, how much you appreciate him and what he has done.

[Anonymous]

What others said - you love him, thank him for his role in your life

Give him an example of something you've learned from him or from his example and how you plan to use it in your life.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I've been through this too. With my Aunt, she ended up doing most of the talking so I did some active listening and accepted her advice, and told her all my favorite things I learned from her. My Granddad, well, he wanted us to pray the rosary with him ... none of us could remember precisely how. Oops (so brush up on that!!). So there was some laughter, some tears, some awkward chit chat. Lots of love, hand holding, and meaningful eye contact where words just wouldn't work. Can you take some photos of memorable times to share with him?

My kids have been through this at various ages too and their questions have varied. I read Leo Buscaglia's "Fall of Freddie the Leaf" and Maria Shriver has a few books on talking to children about death that take a Catholic bent. But mostly when they were 3 and went through it, we gave it a light touch as they really won't have much memory about it later. Simple and straight forward with not too much detail depending on what they ask you. When they were older, we openly shared our grief so they could learn from our example, and did our best to answer their questions.

My sympathies.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had walked back into my grandfather's room by myself (a few family members were there) and told him all the amazing things I thought of him. He was clinging to life and I'm a coma like state. My mother was desperate for him to get better but he was 94. I regret most not telling him it was okay to go. Still makes me cry when I think about that.

[Anonymous]

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I recieved when my dad was dying was "treat them in death as you would in life." I remember when my dad was hardly awake, I leaned over to give him a hug, and I was crying. He said "I love you, darlin'" (that's what he called me). I got up, looked him in the face, and said "I've got to go start killing baby animals to toughen myself up!" He smiled. I will never ever forget that moment, or that smile. Just do/say whatever comes naturally. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm an ICU nurse, and I've found that most dying patients want to talk honestly and face the reality of their situation. So I agree with the other posters-- honestly tell him you love him and thank him for being a part of your life, and ask him if there is anything you can do for him. It's totally ok to cry, but not to the extent that makes him feel like he needs to comfort *you*.

My daughter has handled the death of her great grandma and great aunt just fine. I cried at both and explained that it is ok to be sad. She was quite sad about the death of my grandmother, but we talked about it and still talk about her now 4 years later. It's all happy memories now (my grandma was very quirky/funny).

Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very sorry. I recently lost my mom after a long degenerative illness. In my last conversation I told her I loved her and that I didn't want her to struggle anymore for my sake. I told her that I wanted her to rest.

My heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

I think sharing some nice memories would be a good plan. Just something you remember fondly that involves him. Though I'd follow his lead. It could be he wants to talk. In that case, smiling and nodding is just fine. I'd for sure tell him you love him. A few tears is just fine, but I'd try to keep yourself for dissolving into a blubbery mess.

I'm sorry about your grandpa.