My best friend is a womanizer

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman, and one of my best friends is a man who recently married his long-term girlfriend - a nice, loving, attractive woman. But I've seen him flirt hard with other girls over the years, and once when he broke up with his then-girlfriend (now wife), he had a lot of one night stands. (Never with me though - he has tried to sleep with me in the past but I was firm that I'd never go there with a close friend and he respected that.)

I've had serious misgivings about him marrying his girlfriend because I just don't think he, personally, was actually that ready for marriage. He's a good man but deeply insecure, and that is why he keeps trying to attract other women without actually sleeping with them - he wants to be technically faithful but he also wants to reassure himself that he has game, that he is desirable. His wife has always tolerated it because he is handsome, rich, and overall a good person and she loves him. But I think she's as insecure as he is (because she tolerates his behavior while not being happy with it) and I'm just worried I see a divorce on the horizon one day.

And it pisses me off whenever I see my friend hitting on other women. I don't think I'm really asking for advice. I think I'm just ranting. My boyfriend and I hosted a huge Super Bowl party yesterday and my best friend and his wife came, along with several other mutual friends/couples and a couple of single women from my workplace. One of those single girls is extremely beautiful, smart, polished, etc and my best friend's eyes lit up when he saw her and he was low-key flirting with her the whole evening and she was responding, while his wife was trying to hide her annoyance. I knew if I pulled him aside he'd just roll his eyes and say I'm overreacting and that his wife trusts him and why don't I trust him, etc. But how can someone be so selfish, and yet also a good person in other ways? It's frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just worried I see a divorce on the horizon one day.

Why do you care? This isn't your problem, especially if his wife is aware of it.

[Anonymous]

He is gay and keeps it up because it serves his purpose- he looks like a player, his spouse is too pissed to sleep with him etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just worried I see a divorce on the horizon one day.

Why do you care? This isn't your problem, especially if his wife is aware of it.

Seriously? He's my best friend. He's stuck by me through horrible periods in my life, and I've help him through his problems. Would you care if your best friend was engaging in reckless, self-destructive behavior and was in danger of losing their money and happiness in a divorce one day? I'm both concerned for him, and kind of angry with him for being a dick to his lady (I like his wife). I think he needs reality to slap him in the face before he learns his lesson, but I'm afraid that the reality check might be a costly one.

[Anonymous]

Let his wife worry about this. You sound like a character in a bad Julia Roberts movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just worried I see a divorce on the horizon one day.

Why do you care? This isn't your problem, especially if his wife is aware of it.

Seriously? He's my best friend. He's stuck by me through horrible periods in my life, and I've help him through his problems. Would you care if your best friend was engaging in reckless, self-destructive behavior and was in danger of losing their money and happiness in a divorce one day? I'm both concerned for him, and kind of angry with him for being a dick to his lady (I like his wife). I think he needs reality to slap him in the face before he learns his lesson, but I'm afraid that the reality check might be a costly one.

But you obviously care about these issues more than he does. In the end, they are his problems. The more you try to get involved, the more you're intervening in his marriage. And then you start to seem like the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Just get ready to help him pickup the pieces when she files for divorce. IDK - I could never respect a man who behaves that way in front of his wife.

[Anonymous]

I would have dropped this friend long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just get ready to help him pickup the pieces when she files for divorce. IDK - I could never respect a man who behaves that way in front of his wife.

Maybe she should focus on helping the wife pick up the pieces! She sounds like the nicer one here.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so if you feel like you have to say something, sit him down privately and discuss the incident at the Super Bowl party. Tell him that it made you uncomfortable and it was pretty obvious that his wife was also uncomfortable. That it's not about whether his wife trusts him but whether he respects her and their marriage. Flirting with other women, whether he consummates anything or not, is fundamentally disrespectful to his wife and their marriage. It's not the way a mature adult behaves and your friendship is too important to you to continue to stand by and watch him behave in a way that you cannot respect without saying something.

I agree that a MYOB approach is probably best, but if you have to say something, say something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have dropped this friend long ago.

Wow, OP, I guess this is something you should consider. Can you really respect someone who behaves this way? I say this not as a wife married to a person like this but as a former single woman who felt that guys like this played with my feelings and wasted my time. I know this is your good friend but watching someone play these mind games with single women and in front of his wife would be enough for me to back off somewhat in this friendship.

That said, I think the other posters are right in that you can't change this person. All you can do is tell him what you think of his behavior (sounds like you have) and then stop trying to change him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: he has tried to sleep with me in the past but I was firm that I'd never go there with a close friend and he respected that

Guy here and you need to know this statement is bullshit. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect other women, and he sure as hell doesn't respect himself. He sounds like a dick and there's no reason for a woman to have a man for a best friend outside of a romantic relationship. Because if you're not in a serious relationship now- as soon as you get into one your friendship with this guy will be a problem.

[Anonymous]

The good part of this is that he does it in front of his wife and she is aware- she's not being duped.
The issue here is you are losing respect for your friend. And understandably so. You may want to scale that relationship back.

[Anonymous]

I probably should MYOB, you're right. And I generally do keep my nose out of affairs. When he decided to get married, I knew it was a bad idea but I attended his wedding, drank with his wife, and celebrated with smiles like everyone else. At every stage in his life I have given him advice but let him make his own decisions.

I'd have done the same for his wife but I'm less close to her, and I know her best friends have been annoyed with this guy for the same reason but she doesn't listen to them.

So yeah, they're both being allowed to make their own choices. But one day they will crash and I guess all I can do is watch.

[Anonymous]

You sound like one of those bitches you relishes in stuff like this. Weird.