Support sister even if she's in the wrong

[Anonymous]

My sister has found herself in the middle of getting divorced. She is currently home full time with her kids 3, 5, 8, and basically told everyone she was completely blind sided. But the issues were clear as day. They had money issues and her husband basically asked her to work. She refused. So, he asked for a divorce. At Christmas there was a ton of drama with my sister complaining about this being the last "Real Christmas" and stuff. She is having money issues and still hasn't found work, but is living off of child support. Sister blames everyone for her issues. Our mother (who was legit crazy but mellowed in old age), our dad (who's long dead), her ex, her old co-workers, even me (as not being supportive enough). She even (a few glasses of wine in) blames her kids. She has asked for support and I've tried to be there for her, but right now I am don't know how to basically tell her that her life is a wreck and there's is one there: her.

The biggest issue I've run into is that she asked I testify at a custody hearing where she is seeking full, sole custody. I don't think it's right because her ex is by all accounts a great dad (from what I know so I don't know what I can say beyond that without lying) and the kids deserve a good relationship with their dad. Also: she's crazy.

My biggest concern is whether I should even open myself up to this. How can I walk away gracefully without setting off an alarm.

[Anonymous]

I meant there is one theme there: her.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you will be happy to testify but that you will support shared custody as they are equally good parents and the kids deserve a relationship with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear she is acting this way and still hasn't taken a look at herself, even with all of this going on! I agree that you can't testify against the father. You can tell her you'll testify but that you won't lie at all. Let her make the call on whether she still wants you to testify or not.
Sounds like the kids will need his stable influence.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am a mom who is home with my kids. I question how much money your sister would bring in if she went back to work since much of it would go right back out the door for daycare. What I'm getting at is that her going back to work wouldn't solve their money problems. Many men (and women) don't realize this. Husband may want to divorce for other reasons, but working is a red herring. Don't fall for that. Also, your sister is in pain. Just love her. Loving her doesn't equal testifying on her behalf for sole custidy. Also, your sister may be blaming your folks, but she may also be trying to process what's going on. I'm coming at this from another perspective, always believing I would work full time once I had kids to the point that I had very little homemaking skills. Just let your sister know you love her, listen to her (which doesn't mean agreeing) and give it time.

[Anonymous]

Sister OP here. I get it. My DH was a SAHD for 6 years. He also eventually went into another field (teaching) because it was more family friendly than his old job (consulting). As the primary earner, I get her frustration but I called this issue years ago when her ex was asking her to start making steps to return to work and she was resistant.

She's a smart woman and went to a great college and had a great career before kids. Somehow the wheels fell off and she's just mired in anger, frustration, and blaming other people for her own issues. I don't know how to be supportive when all I see is someone who isn't willing to do the work to be happy.

I listen to her. We talk several times a week and I love her, but the testifying issue sent me spinning and has made me question whether she should get help (I asked and she basically called me a bitch for suggesting she may be a bit depressed).

[Anonymous]

Let her know that if you testify, you will speak honestly about what you know about her and her husband as parents.

FYI - no one wants to testify at a divorce hearing. You are completely correct, that it is unlikely to chance the outcome of the custody decision. Unless there is some huge smoking gun, he will be granted joint custody. I suspect that she wants full custody to increase her support payments at the moment. She may be more willing to share custody when she sees how hard it is to work full-time and be a single parent.

I doubt that the SAHM thing was the real reason for the divorce. It does sound as if your sister is either depressed or has an addiction of some sort. I hope that she finds happiness. It sounds like you are going to be wrong in her eyes no matter what you do. She'll hate you if you don't testify and she'll resent you forever if you do and don't bash her ex.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't think it's the SAHM thing (although I don't think that helped). I think she just got into a cycle of blame and couldn't get out of it. I got freaked out about the testifying and just don't want to get into bashing her ex who by all accounts is a decent guy. I just needed to get a temp check to make sure I wasn't off for not wanting to get involved.

[Anonymous]

I find it terrible that one spouse would divorce the other over not going back to work. But no matter, because your sister's ex is probably leaving her because she's crazy, not because she hasn't found a job. Your sister is definitely in pain and not thinking straight right now, if ever. So try not to let the insults get to you. State composedly that if you testify, you will advocate for shared custody. Let her mull on that for a while.

[Anonymous]

Does she understand that the child support is for the children, not to be a source of income for herself? Does she want sole custody to max the child support? Sounds like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I find it terrible that one spouse would divorce the other over not going back to work. But no matter, because your sister's ex is probably leaving her because she's crazy, not because she hasn't found a job. Your sister is definitely in pain and not thinking straight right now, if ever. So try not to let the insults get to you. State composedly that if you testify, you will advocate for shared custody. Let her mull on that for a while.

NP here. But did the STBX husband fully support having a third child and your sister staying home, and then somehow change his mind? Or is this one of the commonly seen DCUM situations where the wife pushed the husband into having another baby and the husband has been asking her for years to return to work and reduce the stress of having only one wage earner? The latter seems quite common, if you believe the posters here. Those are two entirely different scenarios.

OP, I would be completely honest with your sister. You really owe that to her children and to her STBX.

[Anonymous]

Stbx?

[Anonymous]

Soon-to-be-ex.

[Anonymous]

I would continue to support her but with boundaries (I'll listen to you vent, but not when you're drinking. I'll watch your kids for x hours a week so you can job search.) And I would make it very clear to her that you would never lie on the witness stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she understand that the child support is for the children, not to be a source of income for herself? Does she want sole custody to max the child support? Sounds like it.

I doubt she realizes this.

OP, tell her you'll be there for her, but you think she and her soon-to-be ex should share custody. I hope she can get some counseling and get her life back together.